Sometimes I think I thrive on it.It's been this way as long as I can remember. Putting things off until the last second, letting notes hang in the air before going to the chorus. I sometimes suspect that I actually like it better when I'm painted into a corner with my back against the wall.
I think maybe it has something to do with ego. Something in the fact that when you're down to the wire, 4th and 10, right on the edge -- it takes more than just a normal effort to get things done. I'm starting to think that I actually get excited by the prospect of being in "do or die" situations because they require me to summon up something extra. To find creative solutions. To think on my feet and react to the changes while they're happening.
The more I examine these situations that keep coming back and back and back into my life where I've only got so many days to get something done, or I'm just about out of time to fill the requirements, or I've got to pull an all-nighter to get it all in before the buzzer -- the more I start thinking that I've started to assign some misguided sense of heroism to getting things done against impossible odds.
I mean - any clod can show up early and get things done ahead of schedule. But everyone knows that it takes serious footwork to pull rabbits out of hats time and time again.
The only problem is that it's notToo many times lately it seems like I'm coming close, but not quite getting there. It's like there are too many hats. Too many rabbits. You grab at their ears only to have them bite you on the finger. You pull them into the air only to see that the curtain's already closed. The audience has already gone home. They've seen you do this one before -- and whether you're ready to admit it or not, they're getting tired of it.
working like it used to anymore.
Self-sabotageMore and more I'm waking up on the couch to the sound of the remote control falling out of my fingers and hitting the floor. More and more I'm finding my to-do lists only half crossed out.
More and more all the rabbits I've pulled in the past are starting to leave pellets on the floor behind them, and people are looking at me to clean it all up.
I live on this.
I thrive on this...I'm gonna die from this.
[Listening to: Mudvayne, "Fall Into Sleep"]