Semper Fidelis Tyrannosaurus

You try to keep it running. You want to push it harder. But sometimes it's just hard. Sometimes a feeling creeps in, and all you can think to yourself is

"what's the point?"

Six months of this. Six months without answers. Six months of trying to make it work, trying to open a new door. Trying to find a better mousetrap to stick your head in. Six months of wondering, of worrying, of hoping, pretending, and postponing.

Where does it all get you?

Does it make you snap at the people you care about? Does it make you forget what a dish cloth is for? Do you stay up all night worrying, but go for days without doing anything constructive at all?

It's been a tough couple of days for a variety of reasons. I get the feeling that the holidays are going to be particularly hard this year, as I start to face the reality that many of the people I care about the most will simply not be around to celebrate it with.

I wish there were a way to put a happier face on things, but sometimes you just can't. Sometimes it gets ahead of you -- sometimes you don't feel up to joking about it, or turning it into something else. Sometimes you just want to punch the wall.

Sometimes all you want to do is sleep.

They tell you to keep your head up. They tell you to always be faithful. To never surrender, and to fight another day.

But they didn't have a weekend like the one I just did.

They don't know what it's like to feel this lost.

[Listening to: Onyx, "Slam"]