Winchell

Good evening Mr. and Mrs. America, from border to border and coast to coast and all the ships at sea -- Let’s go to press.

Flash! -- One of the day's most beloved celebrities, known to most as a devilishly handsome and talented writer of wildly unbelievable stories about tunnels under the English Channel has apparently been discovered wasting away his days away in a sea of corporate reports, boring meetings, and hours upon end of staring out the window at the increasing number of sunny Florida days as summer continues it's approach.

Who is he?? This reporter will never tell -- but one thing's for sure, this mystery man has plenty to say. In fact, here's the latest stories he's revealed about the dandies and dolls we all love from the society pages:

• Which starlet of the lab coat set has always been considered easy on the eyes, but as of late has been revealed to be sort of a stuck-up biznatch by anyone who tries to hold the door open for her? And if that wasn't enough, friends of the program are beginning to suspect that her habit of wearing what seems to be far too much brightly colored eye makeup might just a result of paying someone to permanently apply it. These facts have yet to be fully confirmed, but if they are true -- the only words this reporter can think to react with would be.. Eww.


• In other news, several paparazzos have noted the visible addition of a framed photo featuring a second floor romeo embracing an attractive, as yet unnamed femme. But what would the girl in the photo say if she knew just how bad the man's skills still appear to be when it comes to being being discreet while surfing dating sites at work, even as people who would rather not know about any of this continue to have to walk by his desk every day?


• Question! Short guy who's always walking around with that embarrassing white guy stride that seems to be only one step short of a flat-out sprint: WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU TRYING TO GET TO, AND WOULDN'T IT MAKE MORE SENSE TO LEAVE A MINUTE OR TWO EARLIER ONCE IN A GODDAMN WHILE?

New from the downtown desk -- where residents of one of riversides most exclusive apartment homes have started to notice that ever since that one new guy started hanging out with the couple downstairs that the entire stairway has started to reek with the aroma of (wink wink) cookies -- comes this update.

• Hey you -- college boy at the bar on Wednesday night. No one wants to hear your retarded jokes.


• Hey you, Duke University's men's basketball team. This is my NCAA bracket. See your name all over it? No!? How about I jam the damn thing down your throat just for tanking it in the early rounds again. Can you see it now, a-holes!?

And finally, in a story that should shock no one at this point -- sources say that the "mystery writer" featured from our first update above was recently seen stumbling around outside of a popular local bar, and as he attempted gamely to sit down in the seat of his vehicle, it became plainly clear that he'd forgotten to wear any underwear ..again.

Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[Listening to:  Ill Niño – "Numb" ]