He'll find the culprit. It's probably that evil Gavin MacLeod!

There are a lot of reasons that being unemployed sucks. I mean, beyond the frustration of job-hunting, waiting for phone calls, continually buying newspapers and hitting the "refresh" button on Monster.com, there's this horrible lonliness that comes from existing in this limbo called daytime without anyone to talk to.

But If I were to offer you any advice, any advice at all -- it is this.

     Don't turn on the TV

No matter how much you pine for other people's voices, or how bad you feel about your situation, don't turn on the television. I don't know - it's just something about being jobless.. TV just sucks you in, compells you to pay attention to things you really don't have any interest in at all.

I mean, sure -- "Bewitched" is cool, but right after "Bewitched" is "I Dream of Jeannie," and then right after that there's almost always somethign morbidly hilarious happening on Jenny Jones... And even if Jenny is dull, you can always just flip over to the guy who stands in the middle of the room pointing out people's fashion mistakes under the pretense that he is "conversing with the dead.."

     "Yes, you in the back? Your Grandmother wants you to know that she is here
     with you, and she wants you to do somethign for her --- take someone with you
     the next time you decide to go shopping for shoes... and, what? yes, ok, I'll tell her...
     She also says to take those earrings out, they make you look like a slut."

And all the while this is going on, you're just sitting there with the remote, almost paralyzed by the crap coming off the screen. You want to move, you know that you have to move, but for whatever reason.. you just can't.

And then, as if there is a hidden camera pointed at you, you always say the same thing out loud...

"I can't believe people actually watch this shit."

For a while there, I found myself getting pulled into the void - justifying the whole pathetic exercise with the claim that "I only watch until Hawaii 5-0 comes on, because I've always loved that show."

Luckilly for me, though - there was a programming change. Oh, Hawaii 5-0 is still on, but they've pushed it back to 2 in the afternoon.

When I first heard about this I was a little worried, because my pathetic plan was always to watch whatever crap came along until McGarrett, Dano, and Chin Ho showed up on my screen. It's flimsy, but I could usually justify watching the idiot box until 11 if I promised myself that I would read the want ads at the same time.

But sitting in front of the thing until two in the afternoon? That could be trouble.

Fortunatley, though - the fates were on my side. Because instead of the old line-up I was used to (Bewitched, I Dream of Jeannie, Gunsmoke, 5-0), the local re-run channel instigated a new broadcast lineup. This new schedule included a special show, an electronic antidote, if you will.. the perfect cure for me just sitting on my ass and vegging out all day.


It's on three times a day! Three times in a row!

I swear the first time I realized this I reared up from the television hissing like a vampire that had just eaten a piece of garlic bread.