I feel like I've been a total ghost lately. Translucent, like I'm there but not quite fully. It's been strange -- but at the same time it's just sort of the state of things. I find myself tied up for huge chunks of time every day and then more or less spacing out afterwards. It's not like I'm doing nothing at all -- I've been running again and working on some new guitar tracks for DIV (not to mention all the things I've been working on to get ready for the return of the school year next week), but somehow I can feel myself detached from that sense of... connectedness that usually helps me to get through it all.
Ever since returning from NYC there's been sort of a change in the pacing of everything, this sense almost like all the serious things in my life are now demanding attention and focus, and unfortunately in many of the areas I'm having to deal with I'm finding myself unable to affect the changes I want. Dealing with pissed off mortgage companies and banks brings a totally different sort of empowerment than the one I was feeling when I was gallivanting around the Big Apple imagining futures untapped -- and perhaps it's that contrast overall that's turned me away from being as online, as available, as social as I normally am, even though contact, affection, and validation are probably the feelings I've been craving the most lately.
Thanks to everyone who's taken the time to ask where I've been or what's been going on. I'm still around, I still answer the phone and return the emails. It's just that I've got a lot of things going right now that seem to take the majority of my focus away from anything else, and then afterwards leave me with questions and contemplations that for whatever reason I choose to face alone.
It strange, because all of this processing of my own shit feels like something necessary for me to do, and yet the isolation that it brings makes me feel lonely in ways I don't like. It's like I'm creating my own hole and then wondering why I keep getting into it.
Besides, it's not like I'll be down here forever;
Ever since returning from NYC there's been sort of a change in the pacing of everything, this sense almost like all the serious things in my life are now demanding attention and focus, and unfortunately in many of the areas I'm having to deal with I'm finding myself unable to affect the changes I want. Dealing with pissed off mortgage companies and banks brings a totally different sort of empowerment than the one I was feeling when I was gallivanting around the Big Apple imagining futures untapped -- and perhaps it's that contrast overall that's turned me away from being as online, as available, as social as I normally am, even though contact, affection, and validation are probably the feelings I've been craving the most lately.
Thanks to everyone who's taken the time to ask where I've been or what's been going on. I'm still around, I still answer the phone and return the emails. It's just that I've got a lot of things going right now that seem to take the majority of my focus away from anything else, and then afterwards leave me with questions and contemplations that for whatever reason I choose to face alone.
It strange, because all of this processing of my own shit feels like something necessary for me to do, and yet the isolation that it brings makes me feel lonely in ways I don't like. It's like I'm creating my own hole and then wondering why I keep getting into it.
And of course on top of all this I'm broke,Still, it's the friendships I have that help me to get through it all. The message boxes and phone tags, the moments taken and the drinks bought. So appreciated, more than maybe anyone really knows.
which doesn't do a lot for my spirit either
Besides, it's not like I'll be down here forever;
I just have some things I need to
take care of right now, you know?
[Listening to: Dark New Day, "Brother"]
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