Sometimes it's enough to just overcome. To rise above and persevere. You can have pride. You can feel good about what you produce. You can love the flavor of your own cooking, the sound of your own music, or the way the words look on the page after you've written them.
It's like this line you walk without knowing it. I think there's an real importance behind the desire to have a sense of validation in what you do. But the place that feeling lives in borders so close to the insecurities we keep just beneath our surfaces, that it's easy to get things mixed up. Or to put it another way, it's easy to get lost in the need for critique and the desire to be loved.
I don't think we always see ourselves doing it, either. Bands and musicians constantly send me information on MySpace, constantly provide me with links to their music, their work, their statements. On a certain level you can't help but respect the effort. But at the same time there's just no way to ignore just how utterly bad some of these bands are. And not just because their style isn't one that I enjoy, but that the simple quality of what they do doesn't measure up.
I think in a way that's what draws people to reality television. Not the tabloid crap where random handfuls of semi-attractive college students are locked in some secluded house and offered some cash prize on the other side of some flaming hoop where all they have to do is eat bugs or backstab their roomate or get the most drunk and ridiculous that particular season. I'm talking more about the competition-themed shows that seem to be emerging lately where people whose skills and creativity have never had the chance to be seen are put to the test to see if they really are any good.
It's hard not to identify with someone who has dreamed all their life of sharing their gifts with the world. It's hard not to instantly spot the people who have dreamed all their lives of living a lifestyle easily associated with a certain type of creative success, who perhaps even seem to embody all the characteristics of the people who are successful in that field to the point where it might even seem like in some sense they belong in that world, regardless of the fact that they may lack the determination, drive, or talent to get them through the door.
The chance to recognize all of those qualities in someone, qualities that you can easily see in yourself sometimes.. it's hard not to find it addicting in a way.
It sucks to see talented people cut off their own legs. It's sucks to think that I might be doing that to myself sometimes. But you see it happen everywhere you look. The apparent sweetness of success ruining the delicate balance of the batter that got you there in the first place. The indie artist who seems suddenly too eager to be on MTV. The pro athlete who has all the skills and tools, but never seems driven enough to come through when it really matters. It's not like these people don't work hard at what they do, it's not that they don't have the tools to succeed.
It's that somehow we all have the ability to undercut ourselves, and we're not always able to resist Icarus temptations. I think we all want to be loved, but it's odd to think about how that desire sometimes manifests itself. Will you do anything for it? Will you forsake those around you? Betray your own principles? Will you lose yourself in the process, only to find it when some other dude is shaking the hands of the judges when it's all said and done?
At the same time it's not like personal creative fulfillment can be measured in terms of winning and losing on some television show. All too many times that comes down to popularity, to the bridges you burn and the ones that you don't. What I'm talking about (or at least trying to) is gaining the respect of your contemporaries, having the chance win or lose to get critique by those who have the ability to know whether something is worthwhile or not.
It's just that creativity is such a personal thing that it's hard not to see approval or rejection of your vision as a validation or disapproval of yourself.
And when you think about it that way, it actually kind of concerns me that more people haven't heard my music or read my words. Not so much in the sense that I need outside opinions to feel like the things I create are worthwhile, but that there has to be a reason why.
Sometimes I think I hesitate. I think I fear the criticism, the rejection. Sometimes to the point where I don't take the risk. Or perhaps better put -- I don't take enough of the risks it would take to really put myself out there beyond the level I already do.
I wonder if sometimes the streaky nature of my writing isn't sometimes more telling. Those periods where the words won't come, or it's too easy to find other things to do instead of draft, post, or revise.
I don't like these periods of doubt. I don't like all the questions, the thinking too much, the hesitations.
At the same time, it seems like all too often I follow up those voids with periods where I write so much it's almost like I'm lashing out, doing whatever I can not to be forgotten.
It's about the balance of all those things put together.
And you know how that goes:
But sometimes you need more.It's kinda strange how we sometimes need to feel validated in our own individuality. How we almost need that feeling of comparison against the rest. I think sometimes there's an honest place creative people reach when it's not enough to simply complete the process. You need input from others, or perhaps just the ability to see how your abilities and inspiration "stacks up" when put to the test.
But even more curious are the times when things like that get lost.It's hard to explain. I wish more people knew what my guitar playing sounded like. I wish more people read my writing. But at the same time, it's impossible to deny the fact that I really want them to like it. It sounds narcissistic (and sometimes it certainly is), but I have a desire to be heralded. I want to be discussed.
It's like this line you walk without knowing it. I think there's an real importance behind the desire to have a sense of validation in what you do. But the place that feeling lives in borders so close to the insecurities we keep just beneath our surfaces, that it's easy to get things mixed up. Or to put it another way, it's easy to get lost in the need for critique and the desire to be loved.
I don't think we always see ourselves doing it, either. Bands and musicians constantly send me information on MySpace, constantly provide me with links to their music, their work, their statements. On a certain level you can't help but respect the effort. But at the same time there's just no way to ignore just how utterly bad some of these bands are. And not just because their style isn't one that I enjoy, but that the simple quality of what they do doesn't measure up.
I think in a way that's what draws people to reality television. Not the tabloid crap where random handfuls of semi-attractive college students are locked in some secluded house and offered some cash prize on the other side of some flaming hoop where all they have to do is eat bugs or backstab their roomate or get the most drunk and ridiculous that particular season. I'm talking more about the competition-themed shows that seem to be emerging lately where people whose skills and creativity have never had the chance to be seen are put to the test to see if they really are any good.
It's hard not to identify with someone who has dreamed all their life of sharing their gifts with the world. It's hard not to instantly spot the people who have dreamed all their lives of living a lifestyle easily associated with a certain type of creative success, who perhaps even seem to embody all the characteristics of the people who are successful in that field to the point where it might even seem like in some sense they belong in that world, regardless of the fact that they may lack the determination, drive, or talent to get them through the door.
The chance to recognize all of those qualities in someone, qualities that you can easily see in yourself sometimes.. it's hard not to find it addicting in a way.
Almost like it's you up on that screen being put to the test.So many times have I just sat in this place messing around with my guitar, developing ideas and just going with whatever inspiration happened to be around at the time, only to realize halfway through that a) something good is happening here and b) I'm the only one who's getting to hear it. You can kick yourself a thousand times for not keeping a tape recorder nearby, but the fact remains that sometimes the easiest way to extinguish the spark is to push the 'record' button in the expectation that brilliance will somehow simply just ..happen.
It sucks to see talented people cut off their own legs. It's sucks to think that I might be doing that to myself sometimes. But you see it happen everywhere you look. The apparent sweetness of success ruining the delicate balance of the batter that got you there in the first place. The indie artist who seems suddenly too eager to be on MTV. The pro athlete who has all the skills and tools, but never seems driven enough to come through when it really matters. It's not like these people don't work hard at what they do, it's not that they don't have the tools to succeed.
It's that somehow we all have the ability to undercut ourselves, and we're not always able to resist Icarus temptations. I think we all want to be loved, but it's odd to think about how that desire sometimes manifests itself. Will you do anything for it? Will you forsake those around you? Betray your own principles? Will you lose yourself in the process, only to find it when some other dude is shaking the hands of the judges when it's all said and done?
At the same time it's not like personal creative fulfillment can be measured in terms of winning and losing on some television show. All too many times that comes down to popularity, to the bridges you burn and the ones that you don't. What I'm talking about (or at least trying to) is gaining the respect of your contemporaries, having the chance win or lose to get critique by those who have the ability to know whether something is worthwhile or not.
It's just that creativity is such a personal thing that it's hard not to see approval or rejection of your vision as a validation or disapproval of yourself.
And when you think about it that way, it actually kind of concerns me that more people haven't heard my music or read my words. Not so much in the sense that I need outside opinions to feel like the things I create are worthwhile, but that there has to be a reason why.
Sometimes I think I hesitate. I think I fear the criticism, the rejection. Sometimes to the point where I don't take the risk. Or perhaps better put -- I don't take enough of the risks it would take to really put myself out there beyond the level I already do.
I wonder if sometimes the streaky nature of my writing isn't sometimes more telling. Those periods where the words won't come, or it's too easy to find other things to do instead of draft, post, or revise.
I don't like these periods of doubt. I don't like all the questions, the thinking too much, the hesitations.
At the same time, it seems like all too often I follow up those voids with periods where I write so much it's almost like I'm lashing out, doing whatever I can not to be forgotten.
You can't force inspiration.In the end I suppose that's the most frustrating aspect of all. That it's not about drive, dedication, or desire. It's not how long you spend in the weight room, the hours you practice, or even the people you know in the business or the breaks that fall into your lap whether you're ready for them or not.
But you can't dictate it either.
And you know how that goes:
It's either in,
..or it's out.
[Listening to: Taproot, "Mine"]
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