For better or worse, it seems like I've spent almost every night since last week at one bar or another with a drink in my hand. Whether I'm running away from something or trying to get somewhere new is a thought I'm not overly concerned with at the moment -- because the simple fact of the matter is that I'm lonely and enjoy being around other people. Not that there's always tons of folks to be found on a Tuesday (or Wednesday, or Thursday..) night, but that sometimes sitting at home is too much of a reminder of what is or isn't happening in my world, and this is the way I'm choosing to try and deal with it.
It's not like I'm on some sort of extended bender or anything, I just like having a cocktail or two after a long day of work. Of course for most people this constitutes some sort of stop on the way home or regular place to unwind -- so I guess I'm not really doing it right, but this is what works for me right now, so I'm running with it until a better idea comes along.
Besides, even if might look from the outside like I'm trying to insert myself into an Edward Hopper painting -- I'm having a good time with it right now. I know my limits, and these forays into the darkness aren't about trying to test or stretch them. Regardless of what happens after the sun goes down there's still somewhere I have to be when 8am rolls back around, and no amount of explanations about searches for satori or Desolation Angels is gonna change that.
At the same time, I think there's something to be said about the effect all of this is having on me. There was a point I think where it was about drinking away sorrows, but as time has moved on it's become something more akin to getting back to being myself. Not the myself that's capable of downing multiple shots of jager when they're offered to me -- but more the self that seems interesting enough to include in a round of shots when they're being bought. It's about having the confidence inside to wear myself on the outside, instead of holding back and hoping someone will be interested enough to chip through all the layers of rock on the outside without prompting.
Because in a lot of ways I'm that guy. I'm a social creature, but really only when I feel comfortable in my surroundings. If I was an animal out on the veldt, I'd be the one who have to know at least one of the other antelope hanging out before I felt ok starting up a conversation on my own. I don't really know where that comes from, but I do know that's what makes me prefer having a regular place I can go to. Of course the same would be true for hopping bar to bar if I had a regular crew to hang out with.
The thing about it though is that I hate the way that feels. I can dress it up any way I want to with language and words, but when you get right down to it the name for this is herd mentality. For whatever reason, I normally prefer the comfort zone that comes from having numbers, or at least foraging around the same caves every Thursday night when Aerial Tribe is on the back deck and ladies drink free until midnight.
I'd much rather be the predator, moving from place to place and having all the herbivores clear a space for me to drink. But in the end you start to realize that even that thought doesn't happen all that often -- most predators travel in packs themselves, and are only feared once they've hunted the same grounds long enough to be remembered.
And even so, what's that get you -- a spot in some badly animated commercial where all you do is say carne asada over and over?
It's something I think we all go through to certain extents, a process that's frequently easier when you have other people around you to help reflect off.
It's not like I'm on some sort of extended bender or anything, I just like having a cocktail or two after a long day of work. Of course for most people this constitutes some sort of stop on the way home or regular place to unwind -- so I guess I'm not really doing it right, but this is what works for me right now, so I'm running with it until a better idea comes along.Besides, even if might look from the outside like I'm trying to insert myself into an Edward Hopper painting -- I'm having a good time with it right now. I know my limits, and these forays into the darkness aren't about trying to test or stretch them. Regardless of what happens after the sun goes down there's still somewhere I have to be when 8am rolls back around, and no amount of explanations about searches for satori or Desolation Angels is gonna change that.
At the same time, I think there's something to be said about the effect all of this is having on me. There was a point I think where it was about drinking away sorrows, but as time has moved on it's become something more akin to getting back to being myself. Not the myself that's capable of downing multiple shots of jager when they're offered to me -- but more the self that seems interesting enough to include in a round of shots when they're being bought. It's about having the confidence inside to wear myself on the outside, instead of holding back and hoping someone will be interested enough to chip through all the layers of rock on the outside without prompting.
Because in a lot of ways I'm that guy. I'm a social creature, but really only when I feel comfortable in my surroundings. If I was an animal out on the veldt, I'd be the one who have to know at least one of the other antelope hanging out before I felt ok starting up a conversation on my own. I don't really know where that comes from, but I do know that's what makes me prefer having a regular place I can go to. Of course the same would be true for hopping bar to bar if I had a regular crew to hang out with.
The thing about it though is that I hate the way that feels. I can dress it up any way I want to with language and words, but when you get right down to it the name for this is herd mentality. For whatever reason, I normally prefer the comfort zone that comes from having numbers, or at least foraging around the same caves every Thursday night when Aerial Tribe is on the back deck and ladies drink free until midnight.
I'd much rather be the predator, moving from place to place and having all the herbivores clear a space for me to drink. But in the end you start to realize that even that thought doesn't happen all that often -- most predators travel in packs themselves, and are only feared once they've hunted the same grounds long enough to be remembered.
And even so, what's that get you -- a spot in some badly animated commercial where all you do is say carne asada over and over?I'm not in this to end up forgotten like some talking dog.It's just that I find myself sometimes floating between different sides of myself, struggling with the image that I'd like to see in the mirror and the one that's actually there. Almost like I'm searching to find some sort of balance between maintining my sense of personal authenticity and being the type of person other people want to gravitate towards.
It's something I think we all go through to certain extents, a process that's frequently easier when you have other people around you to help reflect off.
Which is what I'm looking for when I'm out, drink in my hand, night after night.
[Listening to: Earl Greyhound, "SOS"]
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