Memories Can't Wait

Do you like nice people? Do you want a nice guy in your life?

Because I don't think you do.

I think everyone appreciates niceness. Some days it feels like there's hardly any such thing as consideration anymore. From the jerk who doesn't know how to use his turn signal to loved ones whose occasional missteps and oversights (despite their best intentions) seem to cut the deepest -- it's hard not to sometimes wonder just how difficult it is to think for a second before you speak, or to write something down once in a while, or to just think of how the things you're saying might make another person living on the same planet (much less standing right next to you) feel.

Do you remember anyone here?
No you don't remember anything at all.
I'm here, flat on my back.
Never woke up, had any regrets..

But that's not what I'm talking about.

What I'm talking about is what you want in your life. Day to day. Moment to moment. Sunrise to sunset.

Take a walk through the land of shadows
Take a walk through the peaceful meadows

Do you want to rely on people who always think of others, all others before making a decision? Do you really want someone who holds the door for everyone, who is always gonna come running when that call comes over the lines, through the skies, into their ears? Do you really want someone who can't say no? Someone who does their very best not to hurt anyones feelings?

Try not to look so disappointed
It isn't what you hoped for, is it?

It's like the oldest cliches in the book that nice guys finish last. That women go for the jerks. But thoughts like that aren't worth anything if the only ones saying them are the very same ones who are willing to accept that they are being victimized by that generalization.

Because the truth is that women don't love jerks.
Women love backbones -- and a-holes have them.

I like to think of myself as a considerate person. I try really hard to be there for people. I listen. I pay attention. I remember things. I let the little stuff go. I give a crap.

But you know what?

I'm not jerk enough.

Not that I've never been a dick. Not that I've ever let people down, or hurt them with words, actions, or inactions. Because I've done plenty of that. Ask my ex-wife, ask my father, ask j, ask my friends, ask my family, ask the people close to me who've ever felt unimportant, under-appreciated, over-needed, or blamed for all my shit even when it's really my fault. I'm not an asshole, but there is a healthy amount of things I'm pretty inflexible and insensitive about. In some cases, they are things I feel absolutely justified with -- but it's not like I'm gonna stand here and pretend every one of my issues comes from honorable places.

Because you know what nice people do? We pick our targets. Waitresses. Customer service reps. Panhandlers. People who fish off bridges. Coworkers with less standing or seinority. People nicer than us.

There's a party in my mind
And I hope it never stops
They party up there all the time
They'll party till they drop

Nice people don't always tip when they eat alone. Nice people litter. Nice people step on ants. Nice people take it out on the people they think they can get away with it on.

And when that isn't enough - we'll take it out on the people closest to us.

For every extra little project you take on at work, for every screwed up food order that you didn't make a fuss about and ate anyway, for every time you knew you were being worked, dumped on, worn down, used to make someone else jealous, left alone when you didn't want to be, or pulled into a crowd when you wanted to be alone. For every time you bent over backward, for every time you got down on your knees there's an equal and opposite reaction. It's like some natural law. I can't explain to you why there are some of us who just take it and take it and take it -- but I can damn sure tell you that eventually it's gotta come out, and for those of us who don't like to rock the boat it ususally ends up being the kind of deal that takes the whole damn ship down with it.

Yeah, you wish he'd remember to put down the toilet seat once in a while -- but when your in-laws are treating you like shit does he bring the pain or does he tell you that "it's just the way they are?"

Other people can go home
Other people they can split
I can never stop
I can never quit

I don't want to give up the part of myself that makes me different from all the douchebags you've ever dealt with in your life. I value that part of myself. I cherish the fact that I was raised by a man who was always there for me, still is, and will always be. But when we're both sitting at a restaurant picking at our food because we know what we shoulda done, what we should have fucking said it's hard not to wonder if things could have been different.

Everything is quiet
Everyone has gone to sleep
I'm wide awake
with these memories..

I want to be there for you. Every one of you that's in my heart. But when two of you call at the very same time, when I'm with you and the phone starts ringing, when you can't find me on the phone when you need me, when I wish things could have worked out differently, when that's just the way things have to be, when the memories can't wait..

That's when you'll wish I was a jerk.

[Listening to: Taproot, "Sumtimes"]