The Adam Maitland Conspiracy

Sometimes I truly love this country. From the purple mountain's majesties to the amber waves of grain -- every time I think that I've lost some degree of faith in America, someone comes along to give me the peace of mind that I need to go on. Sometimes it's as simple as the laughter of a child. Sometimes it's the sound of a Mustang's engine roaring to life. And sometimes, perhaps more often than not it's all the people around me every day who continue to wear expressions of genuine shock on their faces when they say things like:

"Alec Baldwin's an asshole?"

A statement to which the only real response can be: "Doy!?"

When was this issue ever a question? What's with all this debate over what kind of person this guy should be, or how shocking it is that he would say the kinds of things that he did? Sure it was kinda harsh, and maybe weren't the sort of thing you'd personally want to hear, but guess what -- You're not married to Alec Baldwin.

And just for the record, the person that he actually said all of those things isn't married to him anymore either -- probably as a result of moments just like this one. Yeah, it might sorta suck to hear some of those comments if you were his daughter, but who's genetic makeup do you think it was that prompted her to turn right back around and rat out her dad for the whole world to hear?

Now don't get me wrong -- I'm not saying that it's in any way, shape, or form right for Alec Baldwin to be such a jerkwad, but at this point it's just sort of a foregone conclusion, isn't it? This isn't exactly Alec's first time on the "go on TV and apologize for my behavior and check into rehab/anger management classes" merry go 'round, and it probably won't be the last.

Why?

..Because Alec Baldwin is an asshole.

Look, just because a guy acts on a screen in Hollywood (plays on a sports team, holds an elected position, wears the outfit blue) doesn't mean he's somehow gonna be exempt from being among the ranks of the a-hole faithful. If anything, it probably increases his chances tenfold. Sad but true, the same tenacity that it takes to claw above all the other people who are trying to get to the top of the celebrity anthill doesn't somehow magically go away once the director yells "cut."

And not for nothing, but did anyone bother to check old Alec's resume to see what sort of characters he's asked to play most often? I don't know where people are getting their delusions from, but if you're producing a script that has an asshole character in it, the easiest way to cast that part is to hire someone who's already an asshole!

Honestly, What kind of guy did you really think this was?

I mean -- have any of you even seen Glengarry Glen Ross? There are only a few people out there who are better on-screen a-holes than Alec, and that kind of ability doesn't come from years of doing Dinner Theater before you hit the big time.

So yeah, Alec's a pud -- but you know what?

That's exactly why you love him.

It's like I've said before, Women don't go for jerks -- but they love strong personalities. You've probably dated Alec before -- he had a different name of course, but it's essentially the same story, right?

After that first night, Alec didn't call back.
Alec was great, but he wouldn't set aside his career.
You had some good times with Alec, but in the end you had to let him go.

Alec was the one you couldn't fix.

But you didn't know that when you met him, did you? Of course not -- because he was all smiles and charm, all good times and crazy adventures. He was direct about what he wanted, took control, and once he got his mind set to something - he didn't stop until it was his.

But best of all, he wasn't:

	An abusive crackhead.
	A born-again stoner.
	A pretty face with nothing new to say.

..Because lord knows you'd already had your fill of those, haven't you?

The point I'm trying to make here is that you've got to stop acting so shocked at things that are simply not surprises. Yes, Don Imus is a bitter old bigot in a cowboy hat. Yes, Paris Hilton thinks she's above the law just because she's rich. Yes, if you continue to worship at the altar of celebrity and give these people access to anything they want without worry or consequence they're gonna abuse it, get away with it, and then go on The View and apologize for it once they get caught.

Look, I know we raise them up just so we can watch them fall, but honestly -- can we drop the whole 'shocked and disappointed' act now? It's making you look worse than the people you're calling out for acting that way.

Besides, if you really wanted to know what kind of prick Alec Baldwin was,
all you had to do was ask his first wife -- I mean, look what he did to her.

[Listening to: Oingo Boingo, "Only a Lad"]