Dammit Janet

There's a small theater in town that's advertising a new run of the Rocky Horror Show for the next month or so. I think most people are pretty familiar with the Rocky Horror Picture Show (which I love) but seeing the whole thing performed on stage is pretty fun too. Different in a lot of ways, but it's a script that leaves a lot of room for actors to play around with and get cheeky.

Plus, if you've ever done Rocky Horror in a movie theater you know that there are all sorts of audience participation things that go on that are really the whole fun of the deal. Now imagine doing those same things with actors who actually react back to what you are shouting out (I once saw a production of this in Tampa where every time we called Brad an asshole he'd tell us to "kiss his grits" - which was for some reason funny as hell every time even an hour into the show).

So when I saw the marquee at the old Club 5 advertising for Rocky Horror, I was totally jazzed about it. Or at least I was until I looked into buying tickets and discovered that the show would only feature what they called "limited audience participation."

So you got caught with a flat? Well -- how 'bout that?

I mean, what the hell does "limited audience participation" mean anyway -- At Rocky Horror, no less? The theater that's hosting the show was recently refurbished, so maybe I can see not wanting the crowds to throw rice and make a mess of the floor or whatever, but knowing this town -- I'm not really so sure that's what they're getting at.

See, the theater the show is set to be performed in has had a long and storied history -- it started out as a movie house (the first talkie in town) but eventually was transformed into a traditional theater. For a long time it was known as the River City Playhouse -- back in the days when there were all sorts of independent theaters around town. This was also the same time that I started doing set design work, and I actually worked a number of shows in that house as part of their lighting and stage crews (the props department were the ones that loaned us all of the Audrey II puppets we used to put on Little Shop of Horrors at Stanton).

A few years later the place opened up as a live music room -- the original Club 5. It hosted random touring bands and did some DJ gigs. Once again, the timing of this coincided with the time I was doing roadie work around town -- and I was fortunate enough to be on the crews for shows featuring bands like Steve Morse, Kansas, and Tower of Power.

After that Club 5 (later renamed The Marquee) became one of the main clubs people went to downtown -- DJ's, watered down drinks, live music, Saturday Night Seduction (the local fetish show), stuff like that. Most of that happened while I was at College, but I do remember several occasions swinging through town to see concerts at the Milk Bar where Club 5 was a no-brainer afterparty spot.

But like so many other clubs in this town, things eventually started going downhill. One of the original owners passed away in an unfortunate accident, and as the club struggled to move on it became more of a haven for violence and drug busts than anything else. Eventually people stopped going to it, and it sorta collapsed under it's own weight. The building was literally empty for ages until recently when it was bought by local businessman/developer/possible future city politician Mike Shad.

To his credit he's cleaned up the place and completely refurbished the theater and the building it resides in, but for those of us who had so many good times there the bad news is that the hotel above it is probably going to become high-class condos, and unless he can get the theater running as an event center (recently it's been rented out for high-school reunions, corporate parties, and wedding receptions) it will probably end up being a Starbucks or a Kinko's (which would really suck).

The point I'm trying to make with all of this is that considering who the owner of the place is and the crowd he tends to roll with, it seems pretty clear that the current vision for the place is kinda upscale. Meaning that booking the Rocky Horror show is intended as some sort of guilty pleasure or whatever for the hoi polloi to make a fancy evening of once they've finished dinner at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse. And as such it might not be acceptable for local highbrows like Tommy Hazouri or Mayor John Peyton if they end up sitting next to a guy like me who feels it necessary to shout out things like "Who gives the best blowjobs on the Enterprise?" during Frank N Furter's intro to "I Can Make You a Man."

At the same time, why even bother seeing
Rocky Horror if you aren't allowed to do that?

That's the whole damn point of the thing! Have you ever tried to watch the movie without doing any of the extra participation parts? Of course not -- the majority of the performances are horrible, and the story itself only barely makes sense. That's why people started yelling at the screen. That's why it's become the phenomenon it is!

To be honest, I'd be kinda disappointed if the Mayor didn't scream "Slut!" every time Janet said something.

Back in the day, it was almost a required activity for teens old enough to go out at night but too young to go to clubs to go hang out at movie theaters. Which side of town you lived on dictated which theater you went to, but for those of us in Arlington and at the Beach, the destination was clear --

The AMC theaters inside the Regency Mall foodcourt, home to The Midnight Movie Express.

Every Friday around midnight they'd play something like Mad Max, Heavy Metal, John Carpenter's The Thing, or Night of the Living Dead. But on Saturday nights there was one show and one show only -- Rocky Horror.

We screamed, we threw rice, all the jokes that were supposed to be about Nixon were changed to be about Reagan -- it was a hell of a time. First timers got the word "Virgin" written on their foreheads, and people dressed like the characters would stand in front of the screen and act out the parts. It was raunchy, silly, and just about the best time you could have for less than $10 bucks in a town like this.

I'm sure it still plays somewhere in the country, but Rocky in Jacksonville faded away about the time theaters moved out of the malls. But I'm convinced that all the fun I had out there is the basis for one of my longest-standing secret dreams

Opening up and running a mugs and movie type theater at the beach.

Whenever I'm unemployed (which is unfortunately a lot more than I'd like) I always reach a point where I revisit this evil scheme. It doesn't help that the old Neptune theater at the beach has been empty and unused for ages -- because that would be the perfect place to do it. Of course operating a non-first run theater like that is basically a license to lose money, and it's not like I really have the investment capital to do something like that in the first place -- but make no mistake, I would LOVE to open up a place that featured Monster Movies, Bad Sci-fi, Russ Meyer nights, Anime Screenings, Horror Movie marathons, and of course:

Saturday Night Rocky.

I don't know -- I don't think kids are into things like that the way we used to be, which makes me feel kind of old to say, but I really do believe that it's because they haven't had the chance to see what it's like. As much as I love Rocky, it's tailor made as a parody of things that were funny to people in the 70's and 80's. There's probably a better film out there to become the next great audience participation classic -- but until we find it, Rocky's still the king.

We just have to find a way to get the kids to know what to say

Like this:

Hey Janet.
Yes Brad?
I’ve got something to say. SAY IT ASSHOLE! I really loved the... STARTS WITH AN S, TRY SKILLFUL. ...skillful way... WHAT A FUCKING GENIUS! ...you beat the girls... WITH WHIPS AND CHAINS! ...to the bride’s bouquet. HAVE AN ORGASM BITCH! SING IT ASSHOLE! -- The river was deep, but I swam it. JANET. The future is ours so let’s plan it. JANET. So please don’t tell me to can it. JANET. There’s one thing to say and that’s DAMN IT! JANET! LET’S GO SCREW! damn it! Janet! I love you! -- The road was long, but I ran it. JANET. There’s a fire in my heart and you fan it. JANET. HEY RIFF, KILL THAT SMURF!! If there’s one fool for you then I am it. JANET. I have one thing to say and that’s damn it! Janet! I love you! ONLY ASSHOLES WRITE ON CHURCH DOORS. Here’s the ring to prove that I’m no joker. HE’S A QUEEN! There’s three ways that love can grow. FIND ‘EM, FUCK ‘EM, AND FORGET ‘EM! That’s good, bad, or mediocre. HOW DO YOU SPELL SLUT? J-A-N-E-T I love you so!
Oh, this is nicer than Betty Monroe had. OH BRAD. Now we’re engaged and I’m so glad. OH BRAD. That you FUCKED MOM AND YOU BLOW DAD. met mom and you know dad. OH BRAD. There’s one thing to say and that’s: Brad, I’m mad for A SCREW! you too! Oh Brad!
Oh... ...damn it!
I’m PREGNANT! mad.
Oh SHIT! Janet! I WANT TO SCREW YOU TOO! I love you too-oo-oo-oo. There’s one thing left to do THAT’S SCREW! ah-oo. PICK A BUGGER AND LET IT FLY ASSHOLE! And that’s go see the man who began it. JANET. When we met in his science exam-it. JANET! Made me give you the eye and then panic. JANET. Now I’ve one thing to say and that’s DAMN IT! JANET! LET’S GO SCREW! Damn it! Janet! I love you! ASSHOLE SHUFFLE! Damn it, Janet...
Oh Brad, I’m mad.
Damn it, Janet. LET’S GO SCREW!!

[Listening to:   Black Light Burns – "4 Walls" ]