The Queen of Queens

I can understand what it's like to want something just a little more than what you have. You work really hard to claw to a certain plateau, but once you get there it's like all you can really see is everyone you know sitting another level up -- and no matter how much you appreciate everyone who helped you to get where you are, all you really really want is to get to where it seems everyone else is.

Yeah I'm talking to you, Kevin James.

I'm sure having friends like Adam Sandler, Ray Romano, and Will Smith is tougher than it looks, especially when it comes down to things like who has the nicest house, who has the most new cars, and who's the first guy to get recognized when you go out in public.

Sure, people love your show -- but it's been on forever, and until you get that Emmy it's probably really easy to start believing that the lasting popularity of the series might actually be a result of the way that it nicely bridges the gap between re-runs of Everyone Loves Raymond and new episodes of How I Met Your Mother.

Besides, all your friends are doing movies.

Crap movies, at that (I mean honestly ..Click?)

Look Kevin, I know what you're thinking -- it seems like Adam Sandler could film himself sitting on a toilet for two hours and he'd still probably top the box office for three weeks. And even if he doesn't -- he still pockets 20 mil regardless, and the only thing that probably burns more than that is watching Ray Romano pull that kind of jack for doing nothing at all.

Meanwhile you're slogging it out at the studio day in and day out -- and for what?

So you call in a few favors, get yourself some face time in 50 First Dates, even find yourself with a decent spot in Hitch. Bet those paychecks were nice, eh? Felt good to be in there negotiating for points instead of being told how much of your syndication checks were going to be. Besides, now you have something to fire back at Sandler when you're on the back nine and he's up two skins on you.

The problem is, Hollywood doesn't care about Nielsen's. Hollywood cares about buzz. Hollywood cares about gross players, topliners, and tentpoles. And I got news for you pal, you ain't there yet. Even so, that doesn't mean it's really in your best interest to keep humping your friend's legs for Laverne and Shirley billings.

Or to put it another way, you really should have pulled the brakes long before this got out the door.

Look, Kevin -- someone's giving you bad advice. You're the King of Queens. You speak for fat married white guys everywhere. You play in Peoria because you are Peoria (believe me, I've been there). And if there's anything Peoria's not interested in buying you as -- it's gay.

And it's not because America is closed minded and has a latent problem with male homosexuality (even though they are and they do), the reason is because you're not that guy.

Welcome to typecasting. There's a personality surrounding you. One you've partially created yourself, but regardless -- one that Hollywood has assigned you. You're not a romantic lead. You're not an action hero. You can be the romantic lead's best friend, you can be the action hero's comic relief -- but right now you're not the star, and unless you start making that work for you things are gonna turn ugly faster than you can say "David Caruso."

Look -- I can understand wanting to take your career to the next level. I can understand not wanting to be Doug Heffernan for the rest of your life. It's not like I can't sympathize with your desire to get as far away from Leah Remini as you can -- bitch is crazy.

But is I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry really the best way to change all that?

You might think that you're making a social commentary about how closed-minded society is about the idea of male homosexual love, but this thing only flies as a mainstream comedy if you make fun of Gay People.

Which means that when you open in Hollywood, when you open in New York -- there are gonna be picketers. That means at the end of the film Adam Sandler's character kisses Jessica Biel, there are gonna be cheers. And that means when Larry King is looking for someone to ask the tough questions about Hollywood's continued use of negative gay stereotypes in film versus the lack of gay men in leading roles -- you're the one who's gonna get the call.

But more than that, have you even seen this trailer? Adam Sandler doesn't look like he wants to even be there. It looks like you're the one who's desperate for the screen time.

What are you, Tim Allen all of the sudden?

How about this -- instead of letting yourself be turned into the next Rob Schneider (who's been in almost every one of Sandler's films, and look where that's gotten him) you consider taking care of number one.

Here's a thought -- why don't you pack that New York accent of yours into a sports coat and do a couple of cop movies? I know you want to be a comedy star, but you've got buddy picture written all over you. Don't like that idea? Call your agent, tell them you want in on the remake market. Cannonball Run is due for another re-hash -- maybe it's time to see how you look in a Captain Chaos cape. And even if you don't want that hassle, it's not like Will Ferrell isn't slated to do 35 more sports-themed comedies in the next six months..

Better yet, how bout milking all those Scientologists you've got hanging around your day job and see if you can glom in on Travolta's next idea. How many half-stars were in that motorcycle flick he did last year? Look, if Martin Lawrence can still get run in this town, then why are you letting Adam 'effing Sandler smack you around for cheap laughs?

You're not Dane Cook for god's sake -- you can actually tell a joke.

So get on the phone and make something happen before you become one yourself.

[Listening to:   Emilie Simon – "I Wanna Be Your Dog" ]