Know Your Chicken

Congratulations on the successful acquisition and completion of your recent threesome. Like many other individuals out there, you have made a choice that will enrich your life in a variety of ways. However, in order to maximize the quality of this selection we strongly suggest taking the following proactive steps to ensure the health and continued enjoyment of the memory of your experience.

These aftercare instructions are intended to prolong the life of your good feeling, making it easier to transition back into your normal day to day life without risking any negative side effects that may result from pretending it didn't happen.
1. Immediately find someone to tell.
Disclosure is a vital step towards extending the life of your good feeling about this. Consider the following adage: If a threesome falls in a forest and there's no one around to hear, did it really actually happen? -- or are you just drunkenly boasting about things you've never really done in a misguided attempt to make yourself look cooler to others?

If and when you've had a couple of cocktails and decide to break out this nugget of joy in casual conversation -- it's important to have the ability to get independent confirmation from a known and trusted source (especially considering the possibility that the other participants in the event may not be at liberty or feel comfortable admitting to said threesome).
2. Don't get too specific with details.
Many people make the mistake of offering technical drawings, PowerPoint presentations, or dramatic vocal re-enactments of the event while completing step #1. And while your individual experience was surely unique and exciting, remember that while some people get a vicarious thrill from sharing in certain stories, they're usually more comfortable hearing them told in the following ways:
Well one thing led to another, and well, know
I didn't think he was the kind of guy to go for that, but ..he did
Well, lets just say everyone went away feeling good.
In other words, while the desire to brag is understandable, it's far more effective to leave the interpretation of the actual events to the person on the other end of the phone.
3. Add negative spin (for balance)
Once you've recounted enough details of your experience to gain validation from the other person, it's important to avoid the appearance of being a braggart. This can be accomplished easily by immediately downplaying how good the sex actually was.

This step serves a double purpose, as it implies to your listener that your personal sexual experience level is such that something like a threesome is actually kinda blasé by comparison. But it also helps bring the story back to reality a bit -- offering the sort of negative balance that helps assure people not only that the story is true, but also that they totally missed out on an event that while enjoyable at the time -- isn't likely to happen again.
Try employing phrases like:
I don't know why everyone thinks it's such a big deal, it's not that great
It was certainly exciting, but I doubt I'll ever do it again
To be honest, it wasn't all that I was thinking it would be
Well, they certainly had a good time, and that's really what it was all about
4. Choose your audience wisely.
Perhaps the most important step in the aftercare process -- it's vital that you take the time to carefully select the right person to tell about your experience. The intended recipient should be someone you trust, but at the same time someone who will be properly impressed and congratulatory once they learn the news. And while many of you may have family members or close friends who might fit this description -- it's important to remember that once this news has been reported, it has the potential to be reported again. Wives will tell husbands, good friends will tell their best friends, and family members cannot always be trusted not to drink and tell at Thanksgiving get-togethers.

As such, the most important consideration when choosing the audience for your threesome announcement is to make sure that you tell someone who has not actually experienced a threesome themselves.

While people fitting this description may be tough to find, the rewards speak for themselves. For example, if you tell your story to someone who has also had a threesome -- it's only natural for them to want to tell their story in return. This exchange can de-emphasize the special-ness of your own experience, especially if the other person makes it seem (refer to steps 2 and 3) like they've had so many of these particular types of trysts that they've actually grown weary of them and as such have pigeonholed them as part of their "wilder days back in college" (a statement that not only scoffs at any excitement you may feel about your recent threesome, but casts aspersions at the overall wildness of your college experience as well).

This is why it's vital to choose an audience who can only imagine what the experience was like. An audience who still considers the concept of a threesome unique, mystical, and essentially unattainable without the use of secret codes, handshakes, and a boatload of dumb luck. An audience who doesn't think in terms of what effect so many elbows and knees in such a confined space could have, but will rather use reference points taken from their own imaginings mixed with visual cues they've taken from the world of pornography -- which means regardless of how things actually went, they'll have no choice but to imaging you as some sort of bedroom superhero.

Of course, since apparently everyone out there has had a threesome it might seem difficult to come across individuals who fit this particular description, but rest assured they are out there -- bitter and blogging about it as we speak.

Look, I'm happy for all of you. It sounds like great fun -- but geez, can we maybe space these announcements out a couple of weeks at a time or something? I swear it feels like everyone had a meeting and decided to call me all at once, or there was like a sale on threesomes at Macy's this weekend that I didn't hear about.

You know what I did this weekend? I dropped my car off for an oil change and went bowling.
At the same time.
[Listening to:    Rage Against the Machine"Testify" ]