An Open Letter to Jerry Seinfeld


You don't know me personally, but I just wanted to let you know that I am aware that you have a new animated movie coming out. It's called "Bee Movie" and it features you playing a Bee that I guess falls in love with a human woman voiced by Renee Zellweger. I am also aware of the fact that many of the people involved in making this film were involved in the making of the Shrek films, and that there are apparently several jokes at Ray Liotta's expense. I am also fully aware that Steven Spielberg produced the film.
Do you hear me? I get it.
I've seen the commercials, I am aware of the film, I know that it's opening up at theaters everywhere
So for the love of all that's holy, can you frikkin' let up with the advertising blitz already?
I mean Jesus Christ -- you're 'effing Jerry Seinfeld, since when are you worried that white people somehow aren't going to flock to anything with your name on it? I swear, the way you're hammering this thing into the ground you'd think no one had ever heard of you before.

What's the problem there, Jerr -- Little short on cash? Need to dig up some extra money before the holidays? Because I gotta tell you, as hard as that is to believe -- if you need a couple of bucks to tide you over I'll gladly pony up if it means you and your ads will go the hell away.

But the problem is that you won't, will you? This whole marketing push now is just the tip of the iceberg, isn't it? Because I'm sure there's got to be an X-Box game I haven't heard about, or Happy Meal toys I haven't seen? Beach towels, action figures? Then there's gonna be ad after ad on TV saying "You saw it once, go see it again!"
And this is all before we even start hearing about the special edition DVD release, or
the inevitable sequels opening up in theaters everywhere just in time for Christmas '09.
Look, I understand that Hollywood is a dog eat dog town, but perhaps it's time for someone to go up to the front desk over at Columbia/Tri-Star and say:
Just wanted to let you know I got all those messages regarding Spiderman 3, kthxbye.
It's almost like instead of spending all that time and money to make V-chips or television controls that can help block programming that I might find inappropriate, I wish that they'd develop some sort of return receipt functionality for my television, you know -- like you can do for your emails so you can find out when people got the message? Not that it's gonna make a lick of difference to Jerry Katzenburg or Michael Eisner -- who apparently will not rest until I can sing all the songs in High School Musical from memory.

I mean seriously -- is it just me, or has the entire world of marketing turned into some bizarre sort of frat initiation, some hell week bullshit where if I can't recite the names and birthplaces of all the members of the Fantastic Four movie cast on cue, I'm gonna have to wait until next fall before I can rush them again?
You like ice cream. You like ice cream. You love it. You can not resist ice
cream. To resist is hopeless. Your existence is meaningless without ice cream.
Once upon a time there was this television show on Thursday nights. It was setup like a situational comedy, but there wasn't really a specific recurring plot device that drove the action week to week. Basically it was a show about nothing, that consisted of comedic explorations of funny things that reminded people of things that happened in their lives.

But the thing about this show was that if you didn't watch it, or you missed an episode it wasn't like people could say "oh you know, it was a lot like last week -- he tried to get the girl and some funny stuff happened" -- it was the sort of thing that required a certain amount of explanation to set up the premise. It was the kind of show that people loved talking about (even if other people didn't really want to hear about it).

I know movies are different, and it's really important to generate a little hype beforehand to make sure that a film's opening weekend isn't a disappointment -- so you can use the big weekend numbers to help market the film during the rest of it's run, but honestly, there's a line between generating excitement and pushing people away, and from where I'm sitting -- you crossed it a long time ago.
Seriously, where's Newman when you need him?

[Listening to:    Stone Temple Pilots"Big Bang Baby" ]