Lets Kick the Ball to Devon Hester

Sure, that sounds like a great idea. Lets kick the ball to the guy who always scores a touchdown on kickoffs and punt returns. You know -- the same guy who already scored a touchdown on us when we kicked to him earlier in the game? It's not like the Denver Broncos desperately need this win to get into the playoffs or anything -- besides, I'm sure the guy who's already 4th all-time in kickoff and punt return touchdowns after only his second year in the league isn't really all that much of a threat, right?
Seriously, did you and Bobby Bowden get together this weekend to work on gameplans together?
"Well Bobby, what I'm thinking is, we'll just kick the ball to Devon Hester."
"Mr. Shanahan -- That there is some dadgum quality coaching, I'll tell you what."
"How about you, any ideas on how you're gonna beat the University of Florida Saturday night?"
"We're gonna let Tim Tebow score as many touchdowns as he wants on us until he tires himself out."
It's like both coaches have decided to adopt new offensive philosophies this year. No more high-percentage passing schemes. No more fast break offense. Now both teams use "The white people in a horror film gameplan:"
  • When you hear a suspicious noise, go to the area you think it came from and investigate.
  • Repeat the word "Candyman" over and over any time you see a mirror.
  • Choose vacation spots that favor half-naked, drug-addled debauchery, such as Slovakian hostels, summer campgrounds, or old abandoned houses.
  • Insult facially deformed hillbillies whenever possible.
  • When you see a zombie that resembles a former loved one -- attempt to strike up a conversation with them.
  • If you ever find yourself in Southern Mexico, Prague, or Transylvania -- wait until the sun starts to set, seek out as many hot women wearing goth-styled clothing as you can, and then make out with them in secluded places such as cemeteries or meat lockers.
  • Get a job with an underseas mining company. If you are out digging one day and find anything that glows -- make sure to bring it back home with you.
  • Swimming with dolphins is expensive. Sharks are free.
  • If you're African-American, and live in a town that harbors some horrible, dark secret -- make it a practice to always befriend every misunderstood yet strikingly handsome white kid who's family just came to town and moved into the old house up on the hill.
  • A 7-foot man wearing broken handcuffs on his wrists and torn prison clothes has stepped into the bar where you and your drunken friends are hanging out. He doesn’t say a word, but moves slowly towards the bar -- revealing several fresh wounds on his over sized biceps. Go over and ask him where he's from. Refer to him as "boy." If he doesn't answer, hit him over the back with your pool cue -- they like that.
Bobby Bowden has two National Championships. Mike Shanahan has two Superbowl rings. Cocaine is a hell of a drug. Big Jim Slade, former tight end for the Kansas City Chiefs, is outfitted with various whips, chains, a sexual appetite that will knock your socks off -- and the capital of Nebraska is Lincoln!
Kick the ball to Devon Hester (twice).
..What the hell were you thinking!?
[Listening to:    Ankla"Flush" ]