Resistance is Futile

One of the secret fantasies I've harbored ever since I was a little kid was to be a Supervillain. Sure I loved all the superheroes and good guys that were presented to me in comic books and on Saturday morning cartoons -- but the thing that separated the shows and comics I stayed with versus the ones that I didn't really like was the coolness of the arch-enemy involved.

But being the weird sorta kid I was -- a lot of my playtime fantasies were actually spent pretending to be a henchman of a given supervillain, carrying out their evil schemes while waiting for the perfect moment to rise up and take over the bad guy army for my own evil purposes. As such, I spent a lot of time playing Imperial stormtrooper attacking the rebels, Motorcycle Apache chasing Speed Racer, and things like that.
It was good fun, and it allowed me more opportunities for death scenes --
which were always my favorite part of playing good guys versus bad guys.
The reason that I bring this up is that I currently make my living working for an multinational corporation. Which means that as much as I'm thankful for the gig, and like the place I'm working at -- I hold no aspersions to the fact that somewhere far up the ladder of this company there's a guy in a black cloak wringing his hands and laughing evilly while he muses over his plans to screw someone over somewhere in the world in the name of his new world order that will finally end this pointless conflict and bring balance to the galaxy.

Of course the place I work at is just a small manufacturing wing, and as such probably isn't really directly privy to the big picture evil scheme that's going on. Hell, we don't even get to wear matching uniforms or insignias -- or shout out things like "Cobrrraaaaaa!!!" every time we submit an expense report (which, btw -- I am totally suggesting at the next office morale brainstorming session).

At the same time, there are moments when the singular vision Supervillain side of this company shows itself.

It probably happens where you work too. You have to look close, because it's not like a publicly traded corporation is gonna come right out and say something like: "We're the Misfits, Our songs are better, We are the Misfits -- we're gonna get her!!!"
But make no mistake, it's there.
Lurking somewhere beneath the fliers offering discount tickets to Universal Orlando for Halloween Horror Nights and this month's training schedule is the proof that underneath it all, waiting to strike is the ultimate desire of your corporate overlords for all the employees to dress in the same outfits, drive special vehicles, and attack all that is right and good in this world.
Which is where I kinda have a problem, because this is ours:
Every manufacturing company has one of these, and for good reason. Things are dangerous. People get hurt from time to time. No joke, we make laser scalpels and endoscopic blades here. All day, every day people work with saws, lathes, presses, and all sorts of other things that could easily screw up any one's good looks if they aren't careful. Safety equipment around here isn't just required, it's common sense.
Which is exactly why I feel like this new poster campaign is suspect.
Seriously, it's not like the guy who uses the ultrasonic welders around here needs to be reminded that wearing goggles is a good idea. He's probably the one who went to the boss one day with singe marks on his fingertips and said "What the hell man, does someone have to die around here before you tightwads fork out for some gloves?"

In other words, all these posters that have popped up in the last week aren't really for the people who work with the slicey-dicey stuff -- they're clearly here to show potential customers that there are ongoing initiatives happening to deal with the various personal injury threats inherent in our given line of work.
Which in my mind means that the symbol chosen
to represent this message could have been anything.
I mean it's not really that hard to come up with a smiling animal to represent the rank and file and their specific need to wear safety glasses when working around machines. But being a big-dollar corporation, you know that there were meetings. Teams of specialists assigned to the task of whittling down all the possible choices until they found the one that best represented not only the need for safety awareness, but a perfect metaphor for what a happy henchman employee of this company looks like.
But seriously, a Turtle?
OK -- maybe I could see the shell being the precursor for some sort of body armor, but even so -- does the idea of a horde of evil turtles really strike fear into the heart of anyone?

Even the colors seem kinda gay. I mean, bright yellow and dark green might provide good camouflage if our bid for world domination involves guerrilla combat in canopy jungle, but I'm having real trouble believing that even a heavily-armed garrison of people dressed like this could effectively conquer/oppress anyone.

Nevermind the suggestion that any group of prisoners that we might want to capture could probably easily outrun us, or that any band of rebels could overthrow legions of our combat forces simply by pushing us onto our backs -- how about offering us some symbolism we as an evil army could get behind?
How about Giant Safety Mecha-Killbot? That's got a nice ring to it.
Or if you're really stuck to the whole Turtle thing, maybe jazz it up a little -- like Hey Kids, it's Tommy Tortoise -- The Remorseless Ninja of Death! At least have him transform into a jet fighter, or get one of his hands changed into a claw or something. For crying out loud, turtles in the Pokemon world have guns on their backs -- is this really the best we could come up with?

How about this:
Gamera says,"Be Safety Smart -- Always check the city streets for moving cars or attacking tanks before stomping the buildings and eating the people. And remember, high-rise office buildings are built with sharp glass that can often become a projectile risk when broken. So no open-toed shoes while on the rampage -- and put on those glasses, k?"
To me that sounds a hell of a lot better than standing up in front of the United Nations holding up the severed head of the commander of the worlds resistance forces and saying: "Your armies have been defeated and your defenses are in ruins. The leaders of your world governments have surrendered to our might -- so throw down your arms and accept your true fate..
Kneel before Safety Sam!!
[Listening to:  Frank Zappa"Pygmy Twylyte" ]