Tom Kazansky

Attention Northerners. Paging all Massholes. Calling all Midwestern farmers, Sherpa's, Eskimos, Yetis, Santa elves, Tauntauns, Wampas, St. Bernard's with tiny barrels of booze on their collars, Golden Compass Ice Bears, hockey players, Sub Zero from Mortal Kombat, cybernetic eye manufacturers from that one scene in Blade Runner, all the shots I took off the end of the ice luge at Endo Exo on New Years Eve, several of my ex-girlfriends, and anything else in the world that I've considered to be overly cold during my lifetime.

Today's the day.

Today's the day that you need to stop whatever you're doing, put on your short-sleeved shirts, open-toed sandals, winter tan exposing swimwear, and most importantly your holier-than-thou tone of voice and disapproving stares -- load them all up in the car, get on I-95, and come on down to where I am, because today is the day. Today is the motherfuckin' day.

It's officially kinda chilly in Florida.

Yes indeed, it took a little longer than it usually does -- but the moment has finally arrived where everyone here is all bundled up in heavy jackets, shivering through steamcloud breath and complaining to anyone who will listen about the chill. It's early January in Florida, and people finally have the chance to say things like "Cold enough for ya, buddy?"

I know everyone up North had really bad ice storms this year, your cars are snowed in, and it's been a miserable couple of months for all of you -- but Floridians all across the state had to sit in the car for a minute or two before driving off to work until their heaters kicked in today -- and it sucked.

But you know what? Somethings missing.

Maybe it's because it was such a mild Christmas. Maybe it's because there were just too many other things going on for the rest of us to notice. Because even thought Jack Frost has officially arrived for people living in the Sunshine State, the experience really isn't complete until someone from the north tells us how much we really don't know about cold weather.

What, you think this is cold?
Come on, you pussies, this is beach weather -- lets go swimming!
You think this is bad? Let me tell you about the winter when it was seriously freezing.

See, you people don't know. You just don't understand. Because honestly, this is the best part of the whole season. This is what makes all that laying out on the beach in late November worth it. When you're putting on your coat to go out for lunch and some guy in a Green Bay Packers tank top and a pair of Bermuda shorts gives you a dismissing look and then scoffs at you for having thin blood.

So come on, Ted Kennedy. Don't leave me hanging here Brett Farve. Tell me about your Polar Bear clubs and your snot-cicles and all that stuff. I really really want to hear about that time you almost died driving on black ice, or when you found that old magicians hat that brought your snowman to life but you were worried he was gonna melt so you hopped a train and rode with him to the North Pole but then you started to shiver and the snowman took you to a greenhouse to save you and then he melted and died anyways.

Because seriously -- that's the best, fer realz.

Go ahead and do that, because it will help give me perspective when the T-1000 kicks in with that old chestnut about the time Arnold Schwarzenegger drenched him in a truckload of liquid nitrogen because yeah -- you wanna talk about needing an extra sweater or two on the way to work in the morning?

Look, I'm sorry. I know the cold sucks. I know that for every guy like me who tries to describe the weather without trying to act like the winter we're having is in any way comparable to what everyone else is going through there are 50 more Floridians out there who like to brag about how awesome it is that it was like 80 degrees out earlier this week and wasn't it a shame that all the water parks were closed?

If it's any consolation, today's also the day when TV weathermen finally have the chance to go into panic mode while they describe in detail the emergency steps everyone should take to make sure that our pipes and pets are protected during the ..possible overnight frost.

Take heart, you warriors of the Nordlands -- Azalea bushes will die. They
will die screaming and alone in the dark, never knowing what it is to be loved.

And once again we will learn a tragic lesson about what happens when you don't count you blessings when it comes to the weather. A lesson we will take to heart.

Especially when we pull the same crap on all our friends
living in Southern California when it finally decides to rain.

[Listening to:    Bloodsimple – "The Leaving Song" ]