Nobody Listens to Turtle

Lately at the office I've been finding myself working on projects with people that I don't normally work with. New product release type stuff that's got me hobnobbing with the R&D crowd a lot more than I ever really have before. It's sort of odd, because I've worked at this place for almost three years now and I've come to realize that there's a whole mess of people here that I've never even seen.

On the one hand, this means I've got to go through a whole new round of figuring out where people's offices are, building alliances, discovering who the "difficult" signatures are, and pretending to not notice a whole new group of people staring at my lip ring.
But on the other, it means I'm gonna have a chance to make up a whole new list of nicknames.
I don't know if other people do this as much as I do, but I tend to give pet names to the people I have to deal with on a regular basis. These aren't the kinds of nicknames you share with the people you give them to -- because they're usually based off inside jokes, and many of them aren't very flattering.
But that doesn't mean that they aren't terms of endearment.
For example, I started calling my former downstairs neighbor "Slammy" years ago because of his continual habit of slamming every door between his car and his apartment whenever he left or came back. He'd drive up and SLAM the door on the car, check his mail and SLAM it closed, open his door and then SLAM it shut. You'd come home from work and walk by his door only to be caught off guard by a sudden barrage of racial slurs and obscenities he would randomly shout at his Television loud enough to be heard through the door.

Truth be told, Slammy kinda scared the hell out of me for a while there.

Of course we eventually did meet and shake hands, and he turned out to be a pretty nice guy. He still slammed doors and hated the anchorman, but he was also quick with a wave hello and would even hold the front door open if he saw you carrying lots of things up the steps.
But I never once considered changing the name.
I mean, how could I? It's Slammy -- you know, the scary dude who lived across the hall from the Fighting Stoners, downstairs from Hat Guy and myself.
Now that I think about it, they probably had a name for me that I probably don't want to know about either.
So with all that in mind, here's a quick list in no particular order of the nicknames I've given several my coworkers that they don’t really know about.
  • Crazy Ivan
  • Bolo Yeung
  • Hopalong
  • Shreve
  • Chemistry Hottie
  • Slingboob
  • Darth Roy
  • Skeletor
  • Not Alix
  • Jesus Fish
  • Ashanti
  • The E-Harmonizer
So now that you've seen mine, the question is -- who are yours? Because I know I'm not the only one who does this. It's not like they're gonna see, and I give you my word that I won't tell, so spill it. Present jobs or past, loved ones or enemies -- it doesn't matter. I want to hear them all.
Well, except the ones you have for me.
..Or do I?.
[Listening to:  The Sex Pistols"God Save the Queen" ]


Werdna said…
I dunno. I don't really nick-name my work people. Just friends.


I think you know Lefty.
Peanut Angel said…
Oooo lemme think back....
The Spitter
The Frizz
3 minute man
The Ex said…
The Old Chick

Most people in office aren't that bad. Lucky for them.

"Chemistry Hottie"

Are you hitting on me again?
Jaeme said…
Mount St. Helen. (somewhat unstable lab coworker with a tendency to be calm, except when she blows. And the thing never see it coming)

Houdina-manny. Guy has a remarkable ability for magically losing his protein, but swears he didn't forget to put it in the vial when he prepared his injections. It just, poof, disappears.

Dora- the guy who delivers the liquid nitrogen to my lab who had the unfortunate luck of running into me one evening as he was walking out to his car with a pink Dora the Explorer backpack in his hand.

wonder twins- two guys I work with who are in love with each other but pretend to be straight by having wives outside of work. I don't know why I call them that, I said it once out loud when they were late for a meeting and it sort of stuck

Hmm, I guess I'm better at impressions than actual nicknames. I do everyone.
whatigotsofar said…
Bolo Yeung, awesome.

Okay, here's my list of current and past petnames for people.

Grammar Nazi - a college professor
Hitler Moustache - a high school teacher
Parking Nazis - a pair of people who work across the driveway from me
(seeing a pattern?)
I love nicknames, but the funny thing is I don't emply them the way that most people do. I'm rather lame in this area. But you've inspired me to start nicknaming in earnest.

Who is sling boob, btw?
Hex said…
Werdna -- I think you're forgetting hammer, slammer, and jammer, aren't you?

Peanut -- Oh man, when someone gets locked into the name "Booger" that never goes away *lol*

Ex -- Slope? Does that mean what I think it might? That's a tough lab you've got going there! (And of course I am [even though Chemistry Hottie is someone else])

Jaeme -- I know you're having a laugh at a memory, but should I be worried about the guy in your lab who's always *losing* things? That doesn't sound good..

WIGSF -- Canadian Nazis? Are they anything like Illinois nazis (I hate those guys)? And really, what is there to be fascist about up there? The proletariat not getting enough back bacon these days?

[Cherry] -- Slingboob is a lovely and helpful older woman who happens to have an extremely pear-shaped body. She also has a habit of wearing the kind of clothing that has uh.. separate McDLT type compartments (is that the best word?) for her torso and her top, which occasionally leaves her boobs resting on top of her belly -- resulting in um... "movement" while she walks.

..It's just as sexy as it sounds.
Amanda said…
Hot side hot, cool side cool.

Your brother does this as well, but mostly for people on reality tv shows which is funny as hell when he's trying to recap a show for me.

Mine are:
Mommy Dearest
Brett Butler
Crazy Bitch
and Ohmygodpleasegoaway.
The Kaiser said…
Having done security work for so long, I have a lot:

The Flaming Dutchman
Tan Man
Ratfuck Stan
Atlas Sagged
Wonderwoman (she believes the following things:
- She is destined to save the world
- She has been hired by Congress to do the above.
- David Letterman is plotting to kill her. Unknown if this in connected to the world saving).
Ice Cube
Needles McGee
Boss Bossington
Fabian The Delayer
Hex said…
Amanda -- Brett Butler? Oh man, I'm so sorry. I don't even know the person, but with a nickname like that..

Kaiser -- A few notes on your comment:

#1) In my experience, you've got to be a special kind of asshole to rank a nickname that includes the word "McGee"

#2) Almost every name on your list would make a great names for a ska band.
The Kaiser said…
Needles McGee was a special sort of asshole. He used to come in to the store I worked at and shoot up in the bathroom every day, and most of the time he would totally fall out in there. Guess who got to go roust him and hope that he wasn't dead this time because if he were I would be obligated to render aid until EMTs showed up? He also shit in the alleyway, which is a step up from the women who shit in the fitting rooms I guess.

I'm guessing Fabian The Delayer is the big loser on the ska band front. There's just not enough classical education to pull off references to the Punic Wars in todays punk/ska scene.
unMuse said…
friends and family:

don gordo
sultan of swing
the mormon
jew chris
your mom
pizza roll
The Ex said…
Slope is the only racist thing I've ever said in my life. But in my defense it didn't begin that way.