5 Jobs Guys Think Will Get Them Laid That Women Will Never Admit to Sleeping With

I think one of the bigger misconceptions that most guys hold in this world is that Certain jobs = Sex.
Unfortunately the reason most guys think this is because there are certain jobs in the world that actually do seem to work that way. Trouble is, most of those gigs (Rock Star, NBA player, former Democratic VP nominee hopeful) are pretty hard to come by -- but the standard male mind is a big subscriber to something called "The law of diminishing returns," which for most of us translates into,
"If NFL players can really have any woman they want 24 Hours a Day -- then there must
be some kind of gig I could land that would put me in the ballpark say, twice a week?"
Of course, there's little to no evidence available to suggest that women's minds work in a similar way, wherein they're just biding their time dating schlubs like you and me while waiting for the day when the bass player from Buckcherry shares a cab with them after a busy day of leading Amnesty International rallies and grooming quarterhorses wearing a half-unbuttoned pirate shirt -- but to be honest, most times you try to share any of your convoluted guy-ideas about "the way things really work in this world" with a woman they tend to shoot it full of holes using things like "logic" and "common sense" -- so the majority of dudes tend to keep their various conspiracy theories to themselves.
But that doesn't mean you can't catch us at it.
For example, if the man in your life seems to get unexpectedly edgy when you call him on the phone from the airport to say that you we're lucky enough to meet one of the pilots for your upcoming flight, and get this -- he pulled a few strings and got my ticket upgraded to first class! --- that's a tell.

Or if you text a guy you're seeing to let him know that you and your girlfriends are at a minor league baseball game -- and he suddenly starts grilling you with questions like, "Wait, you're there by YOURSELF?" or "Since when do YOU like Baseball!?" -- there's your hint.

Never mind the fact that dollar beer night at the ballgame is a regular weekly stop for you and your girls, or that the airline pilot is a 50-year old homosexual -- there's an association there; a deep-seated linkage between occupation and fornication fueled by the set-ups to every action flick and lame porno movie we've ever seen that has convinced every man alive that no matter what --
You never ever leave your lady alone with a British Secret Service Agent.
And sure, there's a underlying sexism to the whole thing that assumes that no matter how educated, self-assured, or independent the women in this world might be -- they are all still just hapless victims waiting to fall when faced with the sheer seductive force that is Shirtless Caribbean Resort Parasailing Instructor -- but I think part of the reason that this sort of objectification still exists comes from the fact it seems like most women would never really admit to being with one of these types of guys -- even if they actully have.

Why, you ask? -- Because even though we've progressed to a point where society finally understands that women have the right to be sexual creatures with their own desires and needs, there's still nothing in this world that carries the same kind of shame and destructive power than when someone is labeled a slut.

And I could try to go on for hours here trying to act like I completely understand how women think or that I know everything there is to know about the differences in gender attitudes about sex, but the simple fact is that I'm just as much of an idiot about it as everyone else is.
But what I do know is that few women take pride in admitting they've slept with a drummer.
I know lots of girls have done it -- but I also know that when their friends find out about it they usually never hear the end of it, and that in the last decade alone we've seen more than our share of professional women's lives torn apart from the foundations once it's found that they we're someone's mistress, or that they were doing things considered inappropriate for their given profession.
It's the double standard that trumps all double standards.
On top of all that, there's no doubt that women are all very aware of how fragile men's egos are when it comes to their morbid desire to know about their lover's past sexual history, even if they don't really want to know it at all.
So you don't tell us.
It's probably something women find annoying about guys -- the way we're such fragile babies about crap like this, but it's become part of the eternal dance. But what you gals don't realize is that when you get into that sort of cycle -- most guys will imagine the worst anyways.
Especially when you let little things slip.
You'll be sitting there watching football with your girlfriend some Sunday, and some highlight will come on that prompts you to blurt out, "Goddamn Matt Leinart, you call that a screen pass?" And she'll be like "Matt Leinart? -- You mean Matt Leinart who played for USC?"
"Yeah?"
"Ohmigod, I know him -- he's a total sweetie!"
"What? ..How do you know Matt Leinart?"
"Well, I don't really know him ..I sorta hung out with him once."
"Hung out!? When was this?"
"Back in college, before I knew you -- his team was in town for a bowl game and on their off day they came into the restaurant I was waitressing at, and I kinda screwed up his order so we had to go through all this stuff to fix it, and he ended up staying late just talking and stuff"
"..Stuff!?"
And then at that point, it doesn't even matter what really happened. Not because we think you're some kind of slut, but because he's Matt goddamn Leinart. USC quarterback. Media darling. Millionaire 1st round draft pick pro football player who shows up on TMZ.com more often than he's on ESPN.

Now before we go any further here and I dig myself into a hole with the opposite sex that I'll never be able to get out of -- what you might not understand here is that in a backhanded way, all of our assumptions and accusations are actually kind of a compliment.

Because it would be one thing if you were ugly as hell and spent 15 hours serving chicken fingers to one of the league's most eligible bachelors --
But what we're really saying when we have our little mini-freak outs is that you're not.
What we're saying in our own guy-mind sort of way is that to us you're exactly the kind of hottie Matt Leinart would try to get over on, and we don't like the idea of that manwhore sniffing around your henhouse -- even if it was 5 years ago.

But a freak-out is still a freak-out -- So you don't tell us. Even when there's nothing to tell.

And it's not just famous people, either. Ladies -- here's a little experiment. Next time you're dating someone, tell him you're planning a Caribbean cruise with your girlfriends, but make sure it's one where he can't or wouldn't want to go on (it's a scrapbooking cruise -- are you sure you don't want to go?). But then make sure to read the website to him -- you know the part about the private massage tables and the salsa party on the main deck?

See how that goes over.
Never mind the fact that your guy will call you on the phone to complain about it while waiting for the second round of beers to show up at his table at the strip club (because that's, you know ..different) -- if you're gonna spend 3 days and 4 nights on the Love Boat with Captain Steubing and Issac, it's pretty much game over as far as we're concerned.
Because, you know -- Cruise ship guys. In uniforms. Salsa dancing. With you.
I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that when a lot of ordinary guys go to Hooters and can't seem to get any real attention from the waitresses, it always frustrates them to a point where someone starts up one of those conversations. The ones where you lower your voice because you know you're being a pig and when say something like,
"You know what it is -- it's because I'm not one of those biker guys with
their racing jackets and stupid helmets. Those guys get all the chicks!"
So here, in no particular order is a quick list of the jobs that most guys think instantly get people laid that hardly any women out there would ever admit to having slept with (because it only makes us think we're right about stuff like this):
  1. Limo Drivers -- Now if you've ever actually spent any time talking to a real limo driver -- you quickly realize that the majority of them aren't just limo drivers, they're also co-owners of some pressure washing business that brings in extra cash while they're waiting to finish up their Real Estate licensing classes at the learning annex. Limo Drivers in real life are kinda skeevy. But that doesn't mean that whenever we see some dude in the suit and the hat holding the door of a stretch Hummer open for the increasingly wobbly members of some bachelorette party we don't all sorta hate him inside.


  2. UPS Guys -- In every corporate office I've ever worked at regardless of the type of industry or company name, there's one thing that never changes -- and that is that shit shuts down when the UPS dude in the bicycle shorts shows up. Ladies who ten seconds earlier were complaining about the way their shoes were hurting their feet will turn into Usain Bolt if they get that secret signal from the girl at the reception desk announcing that the delivery truck has arrived.


  3. Pilates Instructors -- Your ass might be the size of a house, but if you should come home one day and announce that you've signed up for a private Pilates class with the best teacher in town -- prepare to hear your man immediately start telling you just how much he loves your turbo booty and doesn't want you to lose it. Because personal trainers, spinning teachers, Yoga guys? -- Those dudes rake.


  4. College English Professors -- You'd think this sort of thing would carry for all college professors (male or female) regardless of subject, and maybe it does -- but when it comes to the king of guys you don't want your girlfriend spending private office hours with -- it's this dude. And being a guy with an English Degree from a big liberal arts school who used to hang out with a couple of guys like this, I can personally attest to the fact that whatever the mojo behind this is -- whether it be the charisma, the intelligence, or the ugly sport coats -- it friggin works.


  5. Foreign Accent Guy -- While not technically an job, there's nothing American men wish they could get in on more than that whole "I'm from Britain/France/Jamaica" thing. Because for whatever reason -- women looove to swoon over foreign accent guy. It doesn't matter if he's a dance instructor, a guide on one of those European bus tours, or even just a waiter (or worse yet, bartender) at some local dive -- you just know ol' Jean Valjean's over here always has that card to play, and that it's never failed him.
And I know there are probably women reading this saying, "You're full of crap on this one, Dan -- I'd never sleep with a limo driver." But that only proves my point more -- because if you say you wouldn't ever do a limo driver, that means there are reasons that you don't want to be be paired with that sort of guy. That in your mind there would be some sort of fallout either personally or professionally if someone found out about a tryst between you and the guy in the 30-foot PT cruiser. Which means that if circumstances somehow arose to where you actually did get with one -- you'd never admit to it.
Which only serves to perpetuate our silly theories about that job's ability to attract the ladies.
And make sure you understand something here -- if you've gotten your freak on with a UPS guy or have one or two Foreign Accent Guys notched on your belt, I'm not calling you a slut.

What I'm saying is that in general it doesn't appear to be the kind of thing women boast about the way men might if they ever found a way to get lucky with say a Hooters Girl, a Hot Lady Bartender, or a Supermodel.

Because believe you me, if that kind of thing ever happened to one of us we'd have it printed on T-shirts as soon as we possibly could.
..And I'm just not sure that women think that way.
I mean, if a girl was able to bed Johnny Depp I'm sure she'd tell everyone she ever knew (and who could blame her, it's Johnny freakin' Depp) -- but if you were to wake up one morning in bed next to the Captain Jack Sparrow Impersonator you met while visiting Disneyland, would you go shouting that from the rooftops?
You know, the way he did?

[Listening to:  The Roots (ft. Erykah Badu)"You Got Me" ]

Comments

Maria said…
You are so right about the foreign accent guy. While I haven't had the pleasure yet, somewhere out there is some man with a Slavic accent that I am looking forward to meeting.
Heff said…
Reason # 1 that I DON'T play drums.
The Ex said…
I don't know so much about Pilates instructors but the rest of them, yes. I slept with a Scottish guy once and I've never told a single person. Isn't that awful?

Just for reference, it was pretty fabulous.

Also? Drummers? Really?
unMuse said…
My trainer at the gym hit on me and it creeped me the eff out. I changed gyms. Also, I've shouted the accent guy from the rooftops. He even had a nickname just to let everyone know he had an accent "Irish Chris".

I do think you left off one, though: the male stripper. I would never admit to have sleeping with one.
JerseySjov said…
oh, yes, to foreign accent guys...international student check-in day is like christmas for many of us girls working as orientation advisors.

and there's one hot guy who works at the wings delivery joint near my school. its always fun to see him on the porch; maybe thats the college version of the ups man, haha.

as for workout instructors...the main reason i went back to capoeira was because the instructor is gorgeous.
Hex said…
Maria -- Just make sure he's the real thing -- your comment reminded me of this one call I heard into that old radio show Loveline where this guy was engaged to marry his girlfriend, and the host asked what the problem was, and the guy said

"I met her in a bar and wanted to impress her, so I used a british accent -- and I'm worried that I'm not going to be able to keep it up, because I'm actually from Nebraska."

heff -- Probably also the reason you play bass, because we all know what happens to those guys.

the ex -- yes, drummers. Really.

Unmuse -- While I completely agree that most women would never admit to sleeping with a male stripper, I think the distinction is that most guys know damn well they can't just go apply for that job (regardless of the possibility of getting women from it) without doing a couple of sit-ups first.

I can learn to drive a limo, but put me in a Chippendales outfit and it's more than likely Chris Farley all over again, knammsayin?

Jerseysjov -- Oh man, are you ordering wings hoping for the bonus plan? Like he'll be at the door and you'll be like, "I need to get some change pay you with -- why don't you come inside while I find my purse.."

Bwow chikka bwowww... *lol*
MsPuddin said…
can I just say that for the record, fucking NFL players is not all its cracked up to be? Once the party is over and the alcohol wears off, you basically have absolutely nothing to talk about. Why? Because their brains are in their chest, not to generalized or anything...

Oh and a english professor is hot only if you are in their class.
Jaeme said…
I don't know about instructors, but there's a beautiful guy in my yoga class who gets huge bonus points for doing yoga. This is something every guy can do--just take a yoga class. (and be beautiful)

I'd never admit to sleeping with a stripper. They're easy sluts.
Hex said…
Puddin -- That's when you need to impose something I like to call The Jessica Alba rule, which works as follows:

"Stop talking."

Jaeme -- Is anyone else getting the impression that a bunch of the commenters on this post have bagged themselves a (possibly Scottish) Chippendale?
I'm Frank said…
All of a sudden being an English professor doesn't sound so bad anymore...sure I'd have to teach the same materials every year for 30 years and I wouldn't make any real money...but at least I might (sometimes) get laid.
LadyShay said…
It's more like the FedEx guy for me. Yummm, he's hot. And I would say about 75% of the DHL guys are hot too.

MMMM Accents. They're so delicious, but the guy has to be hot for it to work, for me anyway.
Sarah said…
ooooo Irish accents, mmmm love em!! :D I have another job though.. What about a cleaner? even if he was hot. WOULD you actually scream out "I slept with a Hot cleaner". Keep in mind that he spends most of his time scrubbing toilets and mopping floors, mmm just imagine having that in your pants... LOL!