5 Foods You Should Never Leave Me Alone With

Have you ever grocery shopped when you were really hungry? You know, where you end up at the checkout counter with like four times more items than you ever intended (or could afford) to buy, because your appetite was in control?
You know -- you need milk, bread, and a bag of sugar, but you end up walking
out with 3 boxes of pizza rolls, five bags of Doritos, and half the candy aisle?
That's sort of what I'm dealing with right now peering through the glass at all the little bags of chips and candy bars in the vending machine at work -- none of which would be good choices for breakfast, but all of which look really friggin' good right now.

I mean, I'm supposed to be looking for a suitable replacement for a bowl of cheerios here (I woke up late and missed breakfast), so I should be looking at the granola bars or the trail mix down there in the G7 or J5 range -- but when you gotta pass by those shiny new bag of two flavored Doritos to get there, it's hard to keep on the right path, you know?
Because there's nothing better than junk food in the morning.
Of course, when you're a junk food connoisseur like me -- not just any snack will do. Oh no, you want the good stuff. The lick your fingers and get the dust from the bottom of the ripped-open bag type stuff. The kind of snacks that make you mad that the bags in the vending machine are so small.

Of course you can always get bigger servings of the same snack foods at the grocery store -- but the question I have for you is, do you? If you have that one snack food or candy that makes you go a little crazy, does that make you a little more wary of having the same thing at home?

I've noticed recently that I've been shying away from some of my usual favorites -- probably because of this new effort to lose a few pounds and get into shape, because no one is worse than me when it comes to ignoring the suggested serving sizes for my favorite snacks.

Like this one time I was hanging out at Matty's house in Jax Beach. The normal bunch of hooligans were there, watching football, drinking and having a good time -- which eventually led to the need to make a beer run. So Nino heads out to the store and comes back with a couple of cases, and when he sits back down on the couch he opens up this bag of potato chips. And you know how it is, the bag gets passed around a little bit and everyone gets a handful -- but when I take a bite I get this amazing blast of spice and flavor I've never tasted before, and I'm all like "Wow, what are these?"
And Nino's like, "Salt and Pepper flavored chips, my man -- These things are great!"
So he offers me another handful, which I'm more than happy to take -- and then I forget exactly why, but he got up to answer the phone or get another beer or whatever, and by the time he made it back to the couch --
I'd eaten the entire bag.
There's this look people give you when you party foul that badly. This sort of disappointed, wordless stare that you know excommunicates you from future phone calls when he meets a girl and she says "Hey, can you find a date for my friend too?" or anything like that.

And it's not like this is my first time at that rodeo, either. Because when you start talking about stories where Dan hogs food, it's only a short while before someone brings up The Ted Bolt Gingersnap Accusation.

Ted Bolt was the RA at the dorm where the guys I ran with in highschool lived during their first year at FSU. Essentially what happened was we graduated -- they all went off to Tallahassee, while I stayed in town working roadie gigs. But the thing about it was, I'd end up getting a lot of letters from the guys where they would tell me stories about their various Sally Hall antics, many of which involved gushing about Ted Bolt, who was so great and always knew how to score beer and was totally cool if you had girls in your room yada yada yada.
Truth be told, I was a little jealous of the Bolt man.
I missed my friends, and sometimes when they boasted about his party prowess, it was hard not to feel a little like my place in the tribe was being replaced by someone else. So when I eventually got my act together and headed to FSU myself and took the guys up on their offer of helping split the rent on an off-campus apartment -- one of the things I knew was going to happen was that I would eventually cross paths with this guy that I'd heard so much about.

It was sort of like the ex-girlfriend meeting the new girl. I didn't really want to like him, regardless of how cool he actually turned out to be. So when we had that first house party at the new digs and I finally got to shake the guys hand, I was cordial and all but I felt like I sorta had something to prove, like I needed to stake my place in the friendship hierarchy.

So we're having this party, and the drinks are flowing and the music is pumping -- everyone's having a great time, but every now and then I make sure to check in on Ted to see what he's up to, and I notice he's spending a lot of time in the kitchen. And in my half-drunken state, I start to get suspicious. Especially because my prized box of Ginger Snap cookies that I had put in the kitchen cabinet had magically appeared on the counter, and was getting picked over by various people at the party.
Not cool.
These were my cookies. And this Ted guy was all over them, without even asking first. I mean honestly, this is the guy you guys think is so cool? So this goes on for a while; Ted hanging in the kitchen, me seething nearby with a drink in my hand -- and eventually I get past the boiling point and walk right up to Ted (who at this point I'd only really known for like an hour) and pointed my finger right in his face and say
"Alright enough is enough, Ted -- quit eating my gingersnaps!"
He gives me this weird sorta look, but backs off a bit and eventually splits the kitchen. I felt vindicated, and immediately boasted about the incident to Gristina, who had come in to see what all the commotion was -- at which point he sort of pulls me aside and says,
"Maybe you don't realize this because you're a little bit drunk right now -- but you've been
holding that box of cookies since this party started. Ted didn't eat your gingersnaps, bro.
-- You did."
Ted Bolt and I eventually became friends, but it was a rocky start and the story never went away. Neither did the realization I had about the way that I apparently am when it comes to certain snack foods. Which is that while I think everyone enjoys the occasional cracker or chip -- if I'm hungry or drunk there are certain flavors that I will basically lose all of my self-control around. Like I'll get mad if other people have opened the bag first. Or if people ask me to share some, I'll be all like, "Look if you wanted some, then why didn’t you buy a bag of your own?"

Because some snacks you don’t want to share. Or perhaps better said, some snacks you should never share with me. Because if you do, there’s a pretty good chance you won’t get them back.
  • Cheez-Its -- You people don't understand. I don't eat Cheez-its, I massacre them. I eat Cheez-its as if someone were about to take them away from me. The regular ones are ok, but it's best not to put your hands near the cage if I find myself in the same room with a box of Green Pepper Tabasco Sauce Flavored Cheez-its, because those babies are like crack. Seriously, I go completely shark frenzy on them -- all the way up to and including closing my eyes before I take the actual bite and eating anything that is in the immediate neighborhood of the snack when feeding time has begun. In other words, don't reach into the box to get a handful when I'm in the room -- because you'll probably be pulling back a stump.

  • Ritz Crackers -- When I used to bring a lunchbox to school, my mom would always throw a little Ziploc bag of Ritz crackers in there. It was a perfect setup, because once you got to the bottom of that bag -- you were done eating Ritz. There were no more. You wanted more, but there were only so many to start with, so you have to accept it. NOT SO AT HOME. At home you've got the box of Ritz, which are filled with the little sleeves full of crackers. Literally hundreds more than your mom would ever want you to have in one sitting. Maybe it's conditioning from all those school lunch sessions, but I have no problem dusting an entire sleeve of those things myself. I mean, if you open it the right way, you can literally sit it on your lap and flip through it like a Rolodex.

  • Pringles -- I feel like I should sort of get amnesty on this one, because everyone goes a little nuts when Pringles are around. Because Pringles are the perfect fuel for cheaters. Here's how it works -- you spy a guy working a tube of Pringles, and you head over there and say "Hey, can I have some of those?" And what he'll do is tip the tube over and pour some into your hands -- which usually means more crumbs and pieces than actual chips. You'll happily eat the debris, but then you've got full rights to say something like "Aw, come on man -- those were just crumbs. Can't I get a real chip here?" So then he gives you one, and you're like -- "Just one? You can spare more than just one, can't you?" -- and the next thing you know you've eaten half the tube.

  • Twizzlers -- I'm convinced that the real secret behind the addictive appeal of all red licorice candies is that each individual string doesn't really have enough flavoring in it to last you the entire eating experience. Sure it's sweet, but somewhere in the middle of a Twizzler it's more about the texture of the thing, or pretending that it's a cigarillo, or putting two of them in your mouth like vampire fangs. Seriously, have you ever noticed just how much more flavor you get out of a twizzler when you eat two of them at once? But you know what's kinda fucked up? When YOU eat twizzlers, you go two at a time. But if someone wants to share, you'll only give them one.

  • Sushi -- When you're at a restaurant with someone and you order 10 wings, the line is pretty clear. I get five, you get five. We might fight it out over who gets more drummies or who gets to dip first -- but mathematically the restaurant has done most of the work for you. But when you get the big plate of sushi rolls, the numbers not only aren't clear -- they don't repeat. You can get 4 pieces of sashimi and split those down the middle -- but then you get to the California roll that might have 7 slices, followed by the Philadelphia roll that may only have 5. There's no clear line of demarcation -- especially if you're at a real place where the guy is making it right in front of you and not telling you what it is until he serves it. So then you've got to get all devious to get the most of the flavors that you want. See your date wiping her mouth with a napkin? That's the opening you need to snake like two more pieces. I've told people things like "You gotta try this one -- and be sure to put a little ginger on it." and then when they reach for it you can grab two more of the cucumber rolls. The real key here is to keep your eyes on the table. Because if there's just one more piece on the plate left and you haven't claimed it -- I will tell you that someone you know just walked in the door behind you to get you to turn your head.
  • It's like a crossover dribble in the half-court -- if I see your shoulder turn, I'm gonna break the other way.

    *All these moves are sick, but don't miss what happens @ 2:35 (look for the Orange Shirt).

    [Listening to:  Pantera"Revolution is My Name" ]


    JerseySjov said…
    one time last year i bought a bag of doritos the size of my torso.
    it was gone in less than 48 hours.
    Heff said…
    Marla said…
    It's a fact: Cheez-Its taste different when eaten by the handful, and after one daintily eats about 12 Cheez-Its one at a time some sort of neurochemical that they put in that shit kicks in and compels you to shovel in a fistful of crackery goodness. I've begun to suspect that, much like crack cocaine, the CIA will be found to be ultimately responsible for the introduction of Cheez-Its.
    Marla said…
    Oops. Marla=The Kaiser. Didn't realize my wife was logged in when I started posting.
    Satorical said…
    I like to think you're making a rebus out of this food fetish, that you can lock away in a mental box.

    Fine, swallow the key, too.
    LadyShay said…
    Me and you could never live together. We like the same snack foods, and I wouldn't wanna have to karate chop you in the neck for touching MY gingersnaps and twizzlers.
    Narm said…
    I refuse to be your Pringles enabler.
    Satorical said…
    As for the video: I don't know shit about basketball, but was always told that you defend by watching the ball. WATCH THE BALL, NOT HIS EYES, FOOL!
    So@24 said…
    Dont even get me started on beef jerkey
    whatigotsofar said…
    My brother once called me up and said "Hey, I need a favour. If you help me out, I'll take you out for dinner."

    My response, "All I've eaten today was cake frosting and a pita bread."

    "Frosting on a pita???"

    "No, frosting on a spoon. The pita was on a plate."

    Hunger and the only thing in the house was a tub of cake frosting.
    Werdna said…
    Hahahaha. I'd forgotten some of the details of the gingersnap incident (which is now the name of my new album).

    Heheh. My wife is totally into snacks and so are the kids (some thing I worry about a little). So we have all the crack you like + japanese style crack (they have some cheese doodles that are just a little different, I think they actually include addictive chemicals).
    unMuse said…
    2 words:

    cheez waffies
    Hex said…
    Jerseysjov -- One you pop, you can't stop.

    Heff -- No way dude, I'm going down in a lime-flavored tostito blaze of glory.

    Marla/Kaiser -- I'm with you on the conspiracy theory, if only because the similar but vastly inferior Cheese Nips product never ilicits the "eat fistfuls at a time" response, despite claiming to be the exact same thing.

    Satorical -- Sometimes you eat the bar, and sometimes the bar eats you.

    Ladyshay -- but oh do they taste good together!

    Narm -- It is too late for me young wendy.

    Satorical -- the way he continually gets people to fall down with his crossovers is amazing.

    SO@24 -- a buddy of mine is a complete Beef Jerky addict too, especially now that they come in those potato chip sized bags. It's crazy.

    WIGSF -- oh man, the search the house for food snack is ALWAYS amazing. You'll eat anything when you get to that point.

    Werdna -- Oh yeah, something else I can't really have in the house without eating it all in one shot is Pocky. I use them to stir my coffee, and then go banzai on the box.

    Unmuse -- I'm intruiged. Where can these be found?
    unMuse said…
    I can get them at publix. They are usually on the bottom row in a packaging that hasn't changed in 15 years.
    unMuse said…
    Also.. nothing beats beef jerky that I make with my own dehydrator. I marinate the crap out of it and then let it dry for a day and OMeffingG.. I once at it for 3 days straight.
    Hex said…
    unmuse -- I don't know why, but whenever I hear about Publix selling completely unhealthy crap it makes me smile.
    unMuse said…
    LOL. it's not like they're Whole Foods or something. They don't restock them very often so you may have more luck at a Winn-Dickme.