Fairuza, We Need to Talk

Fairuza, we've been through a lot. Ever since I first saw you in The Craft and started rooting against that mousy blonde who eventually killed you in the end -- you've had a place in my heart. The unique eyes, the tight little body, the fact that you're kinda crazy (and we all know how I feel about crazy women), not to mention the fact that you bear a slight resemblance to the original celebrity crush object Ornella Muti --

How could I not fall in lust with you?

We've had some good times together. I mean come on, American History X, Almost Famous -- Hell, I was even there with you when you took that step to the side and played Adam Sandler's love interest in The Waterboy (although to be totally honest -- once you start crossing over towards movie cheerleader territory you risk locking horns with my girl Eliza Dushku, and that is a fight that very few people [well, really just one -- if I can convince her to wear the outfit] will ever have a chance of winning).

But relationships take work, Fairuza. Two people working together, or in your case -- you know, ..actually working.

And I really haven't seen that much of you lately.

The web says you've got something new in the works with Nicolas Cage and Val Kilmer (wow, Batman and Dumbass -- good luck with that, sister) but it's gonna be a while before that comes out and I get the chance to pass on yet another Nick Cage film -- and it's making me feel like maybe the fire between us is starting to cool.

And it's not like you've lost any of your beauty or lustre. It's just that well -- you've been gone. Invisible, really. You don't call. You don't show up in re-runs. I hear the theme song to The Craft when I'm flipping the channels and I stop expecting to see that hot sneering lip looking back at me only to find Alyssa Milano's butterface and whatever cast mates happened to be hanging out with her for an episode of the vastly lame spin-off Charmed -- and it makes me kinda sad. There are plenty of roles that have come and gone over the years that you could have easily rocked --

But alas, you're really nowhere to be found.

And it sucks, because for a while there you were the queen of the hot Goth chicks. The strange to beat all strange. And now you're gone. I mean seriously, who's the hottest Goth girl left out there now -- Pete Wentz?

I'm trying here. I keep you in my good thoughts. I defend your honor whenever people criticize your one-note acting. I welcome you with open libido whenever you sneak into my dirty dreams at night. But a man cannot live by bread and water alone. A new picture every now and then might be nice. Some paparazzi photos, or candid shots of you at some premiere or walking your dog, or hell -- 10 minutes of you on some "VH-1's I love shows where we list things we like" type gigs where you kvetch about how you used to make your Barbies cut themselves while listening to Bauhaus -- but instead there's nothing. Big fat, empty nothing.

In other words Fariuza -- It’s not me, it's you.

So it's with a heavy heart that I come to you with this. But I feel like you deserve to find this out from me instead of having to hear it from somebody else:

You're being replaced.

I tried to stay with you. I really did. But about a week and a half back I was sitting at home watching the otherwise forgettable film/video-game adaptation Hitman, when I found myself face to face for the first time with my new celebrity crush:

Olga Kurylenko

Now if you're wondering who this is because you blinked and missed Hitman when it was in the theaters, don't worry -- because she's also the new Bond girl, which means you'll be seeing plenty of her in a few months. And if you're like me and endured the stilted acting and ridiculous plotline of Hitman just to watch the scenes of Olga trying to seduce Timothy Olyphant I wouldn't worry either – because she'll probably play the exact same kind of character with Daniel Craig, and probably again when she stars opposite Mark Wahlberg in the upcoming movie version of Max Payne.

Which is fine, fine, fine with me.

Not only is Olga a former lingerie model, but her Ukrainian accent is authentic. And even if none of that came into play, it's hard to ignore the fact that she's doing her part to reclaim the name Olga -- which for most of my life was a name associated with women who looked like this.

So Fairuza, you need to arrange a time to come over and pick up your DVDs. Not because I didn't enjoy them or that they weren't any good; but because it's time to move on so I can make room for some new ones. I mean let’s face it, the girl's six years younger than you -- and while I hate to be that guy, I get the distinct impression that she's probably in for a few more spots on that shelf than you've made time for in the past few years.

And don't try to flatter yourself by telling me that I'll never be able to pronounce her middle name and probably can't understand half the things Olga says, because this is me you're talking to -- a guy who's celebrity crush list more or less starts with Stevie Nicks, a woman who's looks and music I've adored since I was a little kid even though I've hardly understood a single word she's said the entire time I've known her.

Actually now that I think about it, there are a lot of celebrity crushes I've had over the years that I've drifted apart from. I mean maybe that's just the nature of the beast -- especially when you're younger, but that doesn't mean I want to hear about you pulling any kind of psycho ex-celebrity crush nonsense.

Have some class, ok?

Snow White never calls me in the middle of the night and hangs up. Aisha Tyler learned (eventually) to stop texting me after she stumbled out of the clubs late at night and wanted a little "attention." Hell, I've even started to entertain the idea of accepting the invite to one of those "harmless, platonic" lunches that Aeon Flux keeps pestering me to join her for.

Although to be perfectly honest -- I've kinda had to lay down the law with Aeon. In fact just the other day I sat her down, looked her staight in the eye and said,

"Look, I'm perfectly willing to sit down and share a meal, but the first time
you start to pull some freaky shit with that tongue of yours, I'm outta here."

Well ok, maybe the second third time, but that's IT.

[listening to:  N.E.R.D. – "Laugh About It" ]