Thursday Thunderdome: Spam Wars

You all know how this works; two things enter, one thing leaves.
Today we talk about the beast that cannot be killed: Spam.
I have a mailbox. Every day I stop by on my way home, put in the key, open the door and retrieve my bills. I get the occasional letter, mix CD, or wedding invitation -- but like everyone else in the world, most of my real correspondence these days is electronic.

It's kind of funny, because I pay the majority of my bills online -- but even when I have the option to stop them I still prefer to receive the bill notifications through the mail. It's this tiny little power play I do where I banish all the financial bad news to a box near the leasing office of my apartment complex; while all the jokes, updates from friends far away, and stories about billion-degree hot sauce-laden hamburgers show up on my computer.
One mailbox is for fun. The other one ..not so much.
But no matter how far technology advances year to year, the basic concept remains the same. Because for every day I get 3-4 bills at once reminding me that the money I make isn't really mine for very long, there are plenty of other days where I open that little door only to find coupon books for local pizza places and air conditioning repair services, fliers asking me to vote for some old guy in the upcoming election, or big envelopes telling me all the things I've been pre-approved for.

Of course the electronic realm is where this stuff really goes crazy -- especially now where most email systems filter the vast majority of the stuff before you can even see it. To me it's one of the weirdest parts of the Internet experience -- where you clearly have this huge industry aimed at sending you as many advertisements as possible every day, knowing full well that most of it will never be seen, read, or acted on by anyone at all.

I mean think about it for a second. Either there are more dumbasses actually opening spam and acting on it than any of us realize, or the boss over at the penis enlargement pill selling company is the most oblivious manager ever.
"Hey Bob, did we sell any Super-Viagra Cialis pills today?"
"None today, boss."
"Well keep sending out those emails -- because it's gonna happen soon!"
What's more weird is when those stray piece of spam that actually finds it's way into your inbox. The one that no spam filter could catch -- like it's the Chuck Norris of spam or something, demanding that you see it's horrifically vulgar subject line in the hopes that you will open it wanting to know more.

I suppose for the people sending it, those anonymous geeks who have been tasked with the mission of outfoxing Gmail's geeks -- the fact that I actually saw the message you sent regarding my grandmother's sexual encounter with those farm animals is some sort of technological victory; some sort of nerd benchmark that should be celebrated or something -- but if your whole life is sending out billions of messages a day, how would you even know if it got through or not?
Which means that it's not about the message getting read as much as it is about the message getting out.
Regardless of how automated the process must be for whoever is behind all these things, that's still gotta be a suck job. Just sitting there all day putting these crap advertising salvos together and sending them on their pointless way? How mind-numbingly dull must something like that be?
So really, why not have a little fun with it?
Why not add a ridiculous subject line to a message that isn't ever going to be read. Why not string together all of the dirty words you can think of in one sentence? Who's gonna see it? The spam filter will catch it anyways -- what does it really matter?

So the question before you is this: Of the two pieces of actual spam that found their way into my inbox recently -- Which one would you kinda consider opening (even if it was just for a second before deleting it), and why?


The strikingly honest financial offer?



Or the worlds unluckiest bird?
Here are the rules: First, you can only pick one. Just because you'd delete them both doesn't mean that there isn't one that you'd take at least an extra half-second to chuckle at -- so take your time, and choose the one that intrigues you the most.
But wait, there's more!
In order for your vote to be counted, you must also take a second to look through your own spam folder so you can find at least one ridiculous subject line to share with the rest of us in the comments.

Who knows, if we get enough of these things listed here, maybe we'll all end up with millions of dollars from Nigerian banks, cookies that taste like they were cooked at Bloomingdale's and naturally bigger genitalia.
And really, who wouldn't want that?

[Listening to:  DMX"Money Power Respect" ]

Comments

Heff said…
Ok, I'd open the "Vagina bites penguin" email, of course.

One of my favorite subject lines in the spam folder :

"Your Dear Friend In Nigeria Requests Your Assistance".

And in closing, No One else is buying the Penis Enlargement Pills ? - Great. More for Me.
LadyShay said…
I'll take Vagina biting penguin for 100 bob!

Funny thing, I have this one email account that I never use, it's always empty. I signed up for one stupid thing, and bam 90 emails. Reeeeetarded.

My spam: Reach exisiting and new customers via email marketing.
[and obviously they're doing great with the email marketing being sent to my spam box]
unMuse said…
The penguin biting Paris Hilton's vag, by far. Not only is something bestial gnawing on her little man in the pontoon boat, but it's a penguin - a little midget in a tuxedo. Kudos spam writer.

After looking through my spam box, this is what I found:

"SwissRolex Rep1ica/Italian-CraftedRolex/Breitling/IWC etc at Only $200 each! Fast Shipping! zeg b"

(great post, Hex!)
unMuse said…
oh wait.. her vag is biting. i read that all wrong..

oh well. it's still funny tho.
whatigotsofar said…
I vote for "Vagina bites Penguin" Those little asshole birds have got it coming to them.

Recently I received an email from Barnard Jakov regarding full mpeg4 shakira. That's interesting. I don't like Shakira.

But don't knock those emails about erectile disfunction. That shit works man. Those products have given my a freakin' king kong dong. My massive boner has leveled towns. My current erection has lasted for than 37 days. I've got 3 blood transfusions running right now just to keep my brain and heart functioning because there's so much blood in my dick.
Hex said…
Heff -- and all this time I thought that was a bass in your profile pic.

Ladyshay -- that's awesome spam you got there. I bet someone really wanted that one to work.

Unmuse -- Midgets and Pontoons, a war for the ages.

Wigsf -- So what you're saying is that when it comes to the Penguin menace, Paris Hilton is on our side?

Nooooooo!
Monster said…
Just to be different, I'd open "Dumb and Poor"... mainly because I'd like to see if the answer to making more money involved spam campaigns.

That's the kind of recursive social trick that gives me more jollies that Paris Hilton's vagina.

Not that beating out said vagina puts you very high on the jollies scale.
Amanda said…
I'd open "Dumb and Poor" cause I want know what it's all about.

My favorite spam subject line today is "September 79% off"

Are they selling it? Will it get cheaper in a week or two?