5 Guys I'm Really Glad I Didn't Go to School With

A couple of months from now one of my oldest and dearest friends John Spruill will be getting married. It's sorta weird for me as a guy to be so excited for a wedding, but it's mainly because I'm really happy for my friend. I mean, Spruill pulled himself up from the humblest of beginnings, worked his ass off, and succeeded at everything he's ever put his efforts to because of it. So when I heard that after many years of happy bachelorhood he'd decided to settle down you just knew it was because he'd found somebody truly worth taking that step with, and that together they'd outshine us all.
But the best part is that now I can finally introduce him to the women in my life.
Because as much as I love the guy, John Spruill was the one friend that I was always afraid to bring any of my girlfriends around. In fact, I specifically remember telling j that there was no way in hell I was taking the risk of letting her hang out with him until I saw a ring on his finger.

Not because Spruill would steal a girl away from me (because he's not that kind of guy), but because I was worried that after a certain amount of time getting to know him, they would basically forget who I was altogether and run away with the dude.

Whether it's a product of insecurity or specific past histories I can't really say, but there are things about myself that I know are problematic when it comes to putting my best foot forward. Everyone has their own grab bag of faults and shortcomings I suppose, but it was odd to kind of grow up with a guy who I always felt was so strong in many of the specific things that I tended to think were lacking in myself.

And it would have been a totally different thing if Spruill was a complete dick, or even had a dark side that came out when he was tired, or angry, or whatever -- but the guy has a heart the size of the Pacific Ocean, and has since the first moment I've ever met him.

Not only was this one of the guys who first helped teach me to surf, but he basically gave me my first surfboard (the Ocean Arrow) out of his personal collection, and was always more than happy to make the extra drive to my house to take me out to the beach whenever he and the guys wanted to hit the water.

Add to all that the fact that he's smart as a whip, has travelled to almost every continent on the globe, keeps in great shape, succeeded in almost every business he's ever started, which has left him way more than financially secure even in this economy -- and basically what I'm saying is:
Hell no you can't meet him.
Guys are like that sometimes -- overlooking the various strengths of our own personalities as much as we realize our weaknesses. In fact, I would argue that a large part of the definition of a real man lays somewhere in accepting and overcoming those things in yourself as you grow up from boyhood without becoming a total a-hole in the process.

Unfortunately one side effect of this particular sense of self-awareness is that we tend to become hyper aware of those qualities when they show up in the people we hang out with. I think women do a lot of this too -- comparing and contrasting who they are with their surroundings and ending up with a skewed sense of self because of it, but I've come to think that maybe because of the way our society has developed over the years that the negative affect for women might be more in the physical realm (read: body consciousness, fashion envy, etc.) than it is for guys -- who I think now more than ever take it on the mental chin when it comes to envying what the guy next door has.

In other words, you can be 4'3", fat and uncoordinated as hell -- but when you watch football on Sundays what angers you most isn't the fact that a guy with Tom Brady's chiseled looks gets to be an NFL quarterback and bang supermodels as much as you lament not having the discipline to stick with pop Warner ball when they were younger, because if they'd just put in the time they would totally be in the league right now.
But that doesn't mean we want to be in the same room with the guy if we're trying to make time with the ladies.
Because even if the worst thing a guy looking for love can have is mountains of self-doubt or baseless insecurities, that doesn't mean if we can find a way out of those pitfalls we're automatically home free. Especially if you're having to compete for attention against someone who clearly has a better handle on his game than you do.

Remember back in school when you were head over heels for someone who didn't even know you were alive because you didn't have a letterman jacket or drive a cool car?

I'm sure we can all come up with the names of the people who were drooled over by the boys or girls that you would have done anything to have spent time with. People that didn't even know they were messing up your world by simply being good looking and appearing to have their shit together most of the time. No matter what high school we went to, everyone had a Jake Ryan to contend with.

And that sorta got me thinking -- who would have been the worst of the bunch? I mean, I know a lot of movie star biographies try to sell you on the fact that Angelina Jolie was an awkward teenager and never really had any luck with the boys or whatever -- and I'm sure that kind of thing happens now and then, but in my mind I'm thinking it has to be the exception to the rule.

In fact I'm starting to think I might have been luckier than I originally thought to only have had women I liked stolen away by the Rick Kicks and Ben Heise's of the world -- because when you really think about it, things could have been a hell of a lot worse.
5 Guys I'm Really Glad I Didn't Go to School With
Paul Newman           Can you even imagine what it must have been like being one of Paul Newman's slightly less attractive, socially awkward friends? Obviously he's on this list (and on peoples minds lately) because of his recent passing after a long bout with cancer, which not only took away one of my favorite actors, but a man who literally raised hundreds of millions of dollars in support for children's charities and other causes -- but think for a second what it must have been like around prom time. Dudes must have been trampling each other to get to school early so they could ask little Susie to come to the dance with them before Paul Newman walked over to his locker before first period. I'm not gay, but that's a damn good looking man right there. Hell, I would have gone to prom with him if he asked. I'd probably have put out too (what!? It's effing Paul Newman!)
Mark McGrathFormer lead singer of wannabee punk turned insipidly horrible top 40 band Sugar Ray Mark MgGrath is basically the Optimus Prime of useless pretty boys. Wanna have some fun? Ask 'ol Marky here what his thoughts on the current economic crisis and how a government bailout might affect the new housing market. But if you subtract 12 years and the requirement for having valid thoughts from the equation, you have the guy that probably ran the roost at some local roller-skating rink and never had to carry his own books anywhere. Worse yet, he's a musician -- which means he probably played that "I wrote a song about you" card on a regular basis using the same 3 shitty chords over and over, which you would clearly like more than the 5-minute prog metal song complete with two-handed tapping guitar solo that I wrote for you last week.

Davey HavokI never quite got the Davey Havok thing myself, but I know for a fact that it's real. Here's the thing -- Davey Havok fits into a special caste of rock stars where he was clearly better at looking good than his band was at being memorable. In other words, you'll meet a lot of women who were insane about AFI when they were 15, but then they kinda "outgrew" it later. Except every time they see a local band that features a guy that sorta looks like Davey, they end up getting his number and having "one of those stories" to share with their girlfriends. In other words, Davey Havok stirred something in little girls that AFI never could. It's the same kind of thing that Elvis did to our grandmothers, and the Beatles did to my mom. And while one might imagine that a young David Halvokenstein had his share of problems with the girls who only wanted to date football players back in the day, I think it's far more likely that there were a lot of guys looking at their former girlfriends in disbelief, saying things like, "Lemme get this straight -- You dumped me for a little girl!?"
Dane CookDane Cook isn't funny. He has never been funny, nor will he ever be funny. But that's not why guys hate him. I mean think about it for a second -- Carrot Top isn't funny either, but you don't see me getting all pissed off about that, do you? Dane Cook's entire persona screams douchebag. But you see that smirk on his face and you just know he's done someone’s girlfriend. And bragged about it. And then called again a month later and still got over. Dane Cook is that guy that you'll see girls blog about with sentences like, "Ugh he makes me soo mad, I can't believe what a pigheaded jerk he was at dinner last night, and it only got worse once we got back to his place. I wonder if this has anything to do with what we did in the bathroom of the club last weekend?"

LL Cool JYou don’t give yourself a nickname like "Ladies Love Cool James" –- that’s something someone else hangs on you. Even so, from his young beginnings to his current superstar status, LL Cool J has that extra sort of something, that “it” that so many other artists really don’t possess. He’s the kind of guy you want to like, even if you don’t know what he does. Hell, he’s got half a dozen songs where he discusses in detail how he had sex with someone else, and every woman who hears it still wants to sleep with him. But even beyond all that LL is one of those guys who finds any excuse he can to lose his shirt. You know the guys – they’ve worked on their bodies to the point where they’re worth displaying, but instead of asking permission they wait for any sort of excuse they can find, like "Looks like rain outside -– I’d better get this shirt off before it gets soaked. Hey, look at that -– it’s the gun show!!!"
Bonus Listing: 5 Guys Who You Might Have Thought Would Have Been on This List, and the Reasons They Didn't Make It.

Billy Baldwin            I think everyone at some point went to a school that had a legacy family at it. When I was younger, I went to a day camp that featured 3 blonde surfers known as the Farmer brothers, who all had that sort of Paul Walker/Jeff Spicoli thing working for them. Then when I got to high school there were the Maldonaldos and the Garrepys. And with any group of 4 or 5 kids who all go to the same school, you kind of notice that each one tends to take a different path, perhaps in an effort to escape being pigeonholed by the reputation of their older forbears. The way I imagine it, Alec Baldwin was probably the big man on campus, Daniel Baldwin was the jock, and Steven was the stoner. As such, Alec probably dated the prom queen, Daniel the head cheerleader, Steven ..some white girl with the dreadlocks. In my mind that sorta leaves Billy (whom I consider to be the Zeppo of the group) to be the skirt chaser. In this vein, you might consider him to be a threat to your chances at getting chicks when he’s around, but I’m kinda thinking he’d have to work that angle where he was constantly scoring, but really only with all the underclassmen girls who originally wanted to get with Alec or Daniel, but had no way to get at them – leaving them open and vulnerable for quiet, brooding lookalike Billy to use that desire for his own designs. So yeah, if you were a senior looking for a 9th grader he might be a problem, but otherwise.. No real threat.
Johnny DeppNow I know what you’re thinking here. Johnny Depp. Huge sex symbol. Teen idol. Spent a huge part of his teenage years playing guitar in a rock band. No way that guy didn’t pull chicks by the truckload. And I would certainly agree that he had the potential to do so, but there are a couple of monkey wrenches to consider. First, Johnny came up in Florida – about the same time that River Phoenix was coming to fame. I know Johnny is hot shit now, but you ladies don’t know the bullet you dodged by not getting to see River Phoenix hit his 40's. Seriously, it’s a wonder anyone in Florida got laid at all when that guy was around. But beyond all that, there’s something about Johnny Depp – something in that sort of lives in Paris/got Winona Ryder’s name tattooed on his arm vibe that screams LONG TERM GIRLFRIEND GUY about him. And not just any girlfriend -- but some sort of dark-haired foreign girl that who started smoking in like the 5th grade who makes art out of dead animal parts while listening to Nina Hagen records. And her and Johnny? Inseparable to a creepy degree.
Barack ObamaHe’s the epitome of cool now -- standing with an air of confidence while still appearing approachable, but somehow I get the feeling that 30 years back he was a total bookworm. Essentially a shorter version of Raj from “What’s Happening.” Not that it’s a bad thing – after a dozen years of leadership from hippies and frat boys, the country might just need a little time with a nerd in charge, you know?
Tuxedo MaskAt first you’d sort of think Tuxedo Mask would be a serious problem. Always quick to pull that move where he gives girls a single red rose, seems to be a pretty sharp dresser – but when you dig a little deeper you start to realize that he’s never really around. One thing about all these pretty eyed anime boys that have psychic powers and fight monsters? Never in class. Never really around to hang out by the lockers or pass notes. But the main problem with Tuxedo Mask might be deeper than that – because when you dig into the Manga what you start to realize is that he’s supposed to be a college student, and by all accounts the Sailor Scouts are in Middle School. One word: Ew.
  This Guy:       

-- Not safe for work. Trust me on this one, ok?

[Listening to:  Motograter"Suffocate" ]


Satorical said…
Werdna said…
Where do you find shit like the video?


I laughed. I cried the blog became a part of me...

Anyhoo re: the Spruill love fest, he's always been able to make me better while being around him. That is real leadership. On the court, talking me into rappelling, manning up while sick on the LJRWS, whatever. Spruill for president.
Werdna said…
And I'm not saying you and satorical and the gang didn't make me a better person on a daily basis or contribute to what I am today, but seriously, I hang out with the guy, it makes me a better person.

It is almost nauseating... if he weren't such a good guy.
whatigotsofar said…
You said 5 guys. Are you telling me that this Davey Havok chick is a guy? My Lord, that's one ugly woman.
Adam Bernard said…
That video was HILARIOUS!
Heff said…
I'm with WIGSF here. That Davey Havok is just scary. Thankfully, before now, I'd never heard of him.
Anitra said…
FUUUCK ladies DO love LL's lips :)
mmmm *happy thoughts*
Frank said…
Fuck Dane Cook.

The end.
LadyShay said…
What in the holy hell is Davey Havok. GROSS. I like men, thanks:) I think I'm going to post jack this, thanks.

Dane Cook - oh hell yes!! Douchbag or not, I'd hit.
Johnny Depp - Yumm, but not until he played in Chocolat for me.And then Jack Sparrow -ahhh he could so get the booty.
Hex said…
Satorical -- What time is it? Vagina.

Werdna -- Honestly, I'd vote for him. Who wouldn't want a president who's motto is "Don't worry about it brah, I've got a van!"

Werdna II -- My job wasn't to make you a better person. My purpose was to make sure you never had to play distant early warning alone. Also to help manage the amount of pasta in your cabinets.

WIGSF -- In his defense, that's probably not the best pic of the Davey, but it's not like the better photos change the story. He's a guy that looks like a pretty girl, kinda like that H.I.M. doofus that all my old 8th grade students wanted to bone. I don't get it, but I saw it run wild first hand.

Adam -- It's addictive, isn't it?

Anitra -- This is what I'm saying. Sooo glad I never had to work the same room as that guy.

Frank -- Did you say Fuck Dane Cook in the end? I guess it works either way.

Shay -- Dane Cook, really? I don't get it. Handsome guy and all, but clearly an ass. Doesn't that factor in at all?