Spoiler Alert

There's been a lot of outrage lately over the fact that Disney's Beverly Hills Chihuahua has been the top earning movie at the box office for two weeks running. Especially considering some of the other films that have been released during that same time period with bigger name stars and over-encompassing advertising campaigns prior to their opening weekend -- critics and industry watchers nationwide have been left scratching their heads over the fact that this film has grossed almost $50 million in only two weeks of domestic release.
But this is because they haven't seen it yet.
Because what film critics and pop-culture commentators across this country fail to realize is that Beverly Hills Chihuahua is the single greatest movie that's ever been produced in the modern era.

Laugh if you want, but this film is literally a triumph of storytelling and special effects that may never be encompassed regardless of how many years or millions of dollars directors like Martin Scorsese, Clint Eastwood, Steven Spielberg, or Spike Lee choose to funnel into their future projects for years to come. Because unlike the assembly-line cookie cutter projects those director's make, Raja Gosnell's Beverly Hills Chihuahua has endless amounts of what movies in this modern era have been sorely lacking --
Now I don't want to give away too much here and spoil the surprise, but I feel like some of the criticism this movie is receiving lately comes from the fact that critics simply don't understand all of the things the movie has to offer. What I mean is, if you were to go to any of the major movie sites like IMDB or Rotten Tomatoes, they'll give you a short summary of the basic plotline of the film, which reads something like this:
A pampered Chihuahua from Beverly Hills named Chloe (voice of DREW BARRYMORE) finds herself accidentally lost in the mean streets of Mexico without a day spa or Rodeo Drive boutique anywhere in sight. Now alone for the first time in her spoiled life, she must rely on some unexpected new friends -- including a street-hardened German Shepherd named Delgado (voice of ANDY GARCIA) and an amorous pup named Papi (voice of GEORGE LOPEZ) -- to lend her a paw and help her to find her inner strength on their incredible journey back home.
Which is fine -- sort of a modern day Lady and the Tramp with a Latin-American musical twist. And perhaps by itself that story would be fine, but what these movie sites fail to mention is that the entire storyline featuring Chloe and Papi's adventures to get home are only the first act in what turns out to be a labyrinthian tale of love, betrayal, and international intrigue.

Because before Papi can successfully reunite Chloe with her family in the hills, she is immediately captured by a roving band of large black Mastiff hounds led by the psychotic Marcus (voice of BENICIO DEL TORO) who then subjects Papi to a series of increasingly difficult challenges in which he must locate a series of 5 golden keys that have been hidden away amongst national monuments across the globe.

Papi immediately assembles a rag-tag band of specialists who travel from challenge to challenge with him in their computer-enhanced car in a desperate chase to save Chloe's life. What they don't know, however, is that Marcus and his mastiff team are simply henchmen for the evil mastermind behind this entire caper -- Antonio Banderas (played by GARY OLDMAN), who until this point we only knew as Chloe's owner.

Infuriated by Chloe's return after his attempt to abandon her to a certain death in the Mexican barrio, Banderas has sworn revenge upon Papi -- who's actions in rescuing his beloved have inadvertently returned her back into the United States, where grizzled 50-year FBI veterans the JONAS BROTHERS have been locked in relentless pursuit of her diamond-encrusted collar, which unbeknownst to Chloe contains a hidden microchip with secret codes that can quickly disable the security locks on the worlds banks and financial centers. Should Banderas gain control of the chip and execute his plan -- it could set off a nationwide financial panic that would unknowingly start in motion the machinations of a long forgotten religious prophecy that connects all of the worlds leaders with a secret lap dog worshipping cult that offers untold power and riches to it's members as long as they offer the sacrifice of a blonde haired actress with collagen enhanced lips every 100 years.

Through a series of adventures including monumental battles with the descendants of Spartan militiamen and a regiment of sentient transforming robots to a increasingly dangerous series of street races where tricked-out up sports cars must employ dangerous drifting turns to get around around crowded Tokyo street corners while attempting to be the first one to successfully get Martin Lawrence's (played by SHIA LEBOUF) daughter to college without permanently damaging their strained relationship. By besting each of these challenges, Papi discovers more of the needed keys to fulfill his nemesis' demands -- only to find his heart torn by the unexpected chemistry that has developed with one of his team members, a fiery weapons specialist named Rosie (voice of JESSICA ALBA).

Rosie, who is running from a troubled past with her Svengali ex-husband (voice of SETH ROGAN) offers Papi the down-to-earth sensibilities that a rich chihuahua like Chloe never could, creating a dangerous love triangle that endangers the very integrity of his mission, and threatens to tear his team apart.

But in a touching scene -- a fierce battle between our high-tech heroes and a rabid army of zombified farm animals (featuring the voices of MILEY CYRUS, AMANDA SYKES, STEVE CARELL, and MATTHEW BRODERICK) ends tragically when Rosie sacrifices her life to save the final key from falling into a bottomless chasm that might have otherwise taken Papi's life had he attempted to save it himself.
Her final words, "Go to her. Go to Chloe" haunt our hero's heart as he returns home with a strengthened resolve.
Upon returning and handing the keys to the evil Antonio Banderas, Papi is shocked to find out that the entire plot has actually been an intricate double-cross, designed and executed by his right-hand man and longtime friend Chico (voice of BEN AFFLECK) -- who we discover all too late has been working all along for a conglomerate of tobacco companies looking to gain control of Congress.

But in a shocking twist, it is the Tobacco Companies, Banderas, and Chico who are in for the real surprise --
As Papi reveals himself to be a practicing constitutional lawyer
(like his father before him) who immediately files an injunction
against the conglomerates.
The trial (which takes place in a Louisiana courtroom filled with angry citizens fanning themselves to escape the heat) features impassioned speeches and unexpected dramatic moments as we learn more and more about the plot's villains and their secret plot to tax trade routes between federation planets and the peace-loving Naboo.

But in a thought-provoking, heart-wrenching climax, Papi the Chihuahua delivers his closing statement in front of the stone faced jury; retelling the story of his troubled childhood -- complete with flashbacks to musical numbers where he learns the value of sisterhood by spending a summer abroad in search of a pair of traveling pants.

This of course is what first led him to his job as an Intern for famous fashion magnate Glenn Close (played by ANNA WINTOUR), whom he must teach to love again while he continues to search for a commitment he can believe in (and a comfortable pair of Manolo's) from Mr. Big.
And that, my friends -- is how Papi became the first black chihuahua to win the Heisman Trophy.

[Listening To:  Black Light Burns"Lie" ]


Werdna said…
Deftly weaving the plots of famous films like GirlTalk weaves samples, Hexacorde has turned Beverly Hills Chihuahua from rotten to fresh.

-Gene Shallit

Hexacorde has a new triumph on his hands. It is no one hit wonderdog, but a new entry into comedy movie review.

-Gene Siskel and some insult comic dog

You're going to hell, Werdna. You can't keep calling down dead movie reviewers. But Hex's Beverly Hills Chihuahua review is an all time classic.

-Roger Ebert
unMuse said…
I'm sure you liked it an all, and perhaps what I'm about to say is the point of the time you took to make this post... but it can't be that good. I mean...

Maybe I just don't want to believe that the best story line, character development, scene interaction, writing in general and direction can't.. CAN'T.. be in a move with that sort of title and premise. It's depressing.
JerseySjov said…
you're absurd
Anonymous said…
Whatever you're on, cut the dosage, big time. It's messin' you up.
Satorical said…
Everyone, please forward this link to everyone you know. Hex deserves for this one to go viral.
Heff said…
Pass the doobie, Hex. Pass the doobie.
Monster said…
You had me until Antonio Banderas was played by Gary Oldman.

And sadly, even then I thought maybe it was just a rare Sleep Dirt typo.

Bravo my man.
Hex said…
werdna -- that's me on the 1's and 2's bro. Thanks for the kind words.

unmuse -- of course it isn't good. But it has a built-in audience and it's probably passable when viewed through those eyes. The statement it makes about all the other movies that are out right now though -- that's kinda hard to swallow.

Jersey -- I resemble that remark.

WIGSF -- ..but these go to 11.

Satorical -- thanks bro, hopefully we'll catch someone's attention with this one.

Heff -- pass some of that pizza, and then we'll talk.

Monster -- Knowing your movie acumen, I'm gonna take that as a compliment.