Feckin' Pikeys

Who doesn't love St. Patrick's day? Not only is it j's birthday -- but it's one of America's two adopted drinking holidays where something born in a quasi-religious sense has been turned into an all-day boozefest in the name of a nationality that only so many people actually can claim as theirs.

Not that it ever stops anyone.

Even though I love a good St Paddy's throwdown just as much as the next guy, the one part I've always found annoying is the way all the a-holes at the bar suddenly turns Irish. As in, "Oh yeah, my family's roots trace all the way back." or the ever-popular,

"Are ye callin me a liar, boyo? Faith and Begorrah -- as soon as I finish eating this potato me
and the rest of the Chi Alphas going to kick your bloody arse for insulting me beloved heritage!"

Seriously, we don't do this for any other holiday. It's not like honkies across the country show up in moccasins and feathered headdresses every Thanksgiving, or insist that they're Mexican on the fifth of May. There's even a widely disputed movement happening where people are more sensitive to the fact that everyone who gathers with friends and family to exchange gifts around a ceremonial tree every December isn't necessarily doing so in celebration of the birth of the Christian Jesus, and that greetings like "Merry Christmas" might even contain prejudiced overtones that are potentially offensive to those people who may not choose to worship that particular religion.

Sticks and stones perhaps -- but when you think about the way Christmas songs are "generic-ed up" for plays at kids schools these days (The Holiday show at my son's elementary was so full of songs about penguins exchanging gifts and world cultures that it seemed almost annoyingly pagan) it's almost kind of funny to consider just how flippant our PC attitudes towards the Irish turn every March 17th as we honor the rich history of Ireland the same way we imagine they do, by getting completely fucked up and puking in the streets.

Suggesting that the Christmas holiday might have something to do with Jesus Christ? -- Offensive.
Celebrating the fact that all Micks are belligerent angry boozehounds? -- Fuckin' A, Broseph!

Look -- I'm all for a good time, and I've certainly done my share of drinking and singing songs about who the fuck Alice is, but I don't go around talking like a leprechaun while claiming that my family goes back three generations to the Cliffs of Dover.

And while I'm at it, what the hell is this!?

I'm a Denver Broncos fan. What's this fucking shamrock doing on my shirt? Seriously, what kind of bullshit is this? I'm no native, but if I went to Madison Square Garden wearing a Kelly green shirt supporting the Knicks, I'd get my ass kicked for being a Celtics fan. It's one goddamn day out the year -- is this really necessary?

I tell you this right now -- I'd run through in downtown Dublin screaming at the top of my lungs that the IRA are a bunch of Pussies before I put on anything that might lead people to believe that I'm any kind of fan of Notre Dame.

The other tremendously annoying thing that white people do on this Holiday is randomly mix their West European stereotypes into a grand sort of shepherds pie of contradicting influences -- most frequently ending up with people assuming that the entire Nation of Scotland is somehow located in the middle of Bono's living room.

Attention, frat boys. The Highlander is not Irish. The Boondock Saints is not acceptable quote material at a caber toss. They're two different cultures. Granted, they both have their share of famous drunks -- but that doesn't mean you can just throw one blanket over the whole bunch and pretend that your fake accent is impressing anyone.

Besides, this isn't really that difficult.

Scottish:


Irish

If you train your ears, you'll start to notice slight phonetical differences in the accents, particularly when repeating the F-word a hundred times in a row.

Try to keep this in mind tonight when you're adopting a culture outside your own.

And for heaven's sake -- be careful out there. Just because it's a celebration doesn't mean you should act irresponsibly or make choices that you might end up regretting later.

Because we all know what that leads to..

[Listening To:  Murphy's Law – "Fun" ]