That's My Jam: Smitten

I wish I could stand here and tell you that I discovered Brazilian and Afro-Cuban jazz because of it's unique melodic stylings and rich cultural history, I really do. But I can't -- because even though I do love those things about the music itself, the reason I was originally drawn to it was because it's a treasure trove for hotties.

From Astrud Gilberto to Rosalia De Souza, the incredible piano styles of Tania Maria, all the way to old footage of Lena Horne -- the album covers alone were worth the price of admission, but then inside were these awesome samba tracks sung by women with sexy accents..
Hell, I even swooned when Rita Moreno went on the Muppet Show.
Thankfully once I got in the door chasing the eye candy I realized there was a wealth of musical expression and style to be found, but I'd be lying ass lying if I tried to stand here and tell you that the only reason I came to this particular party is because I heard it's where Dizzy Gillespie likes to hang out.

Which is why I couldn't help but stand up and take notice the other night when I got my first glimpse of Esperanza Spalding on Kimmel.

She got to you
The looks, the double bass, that little squeak thing in the voice?
Hell to the yes.
But Esperanza, before we go any further with this relationship -- we need to talk. Because to be honest, this isn't my first time at the rodeo. So it's important that we have this discussion. Important that you know what I'm looking for in a sexy musical crush object. Because whether you realize it or not -- I've been burned before.

So please, Esperanza. For the sake of this relationship -- stay true to your roots. Don't be like India Aire and start showing up on Blues Clues five days a week. Don't go all Jill Scott on me and start crying on Oprah any chance you get. Because I loved me some India, and I actually once (true story) ran past a naked stripper so I could get to the DJ and find out Jill Scott's name, but once things go sour I'm pretty much right out the door.

Think about the good times. Think about Sade. Think about Me'Shell Ndegeocello. Think about Sade some more (like I'm doing all of the sudden). There's a future for us. I am not only a dedicated lover but an easily fooled and almost blindly devoted consumer. I have Tania Maria CD's I can't even pronounce the names of. I bought a MeShell Ndegeocello CD that's filled with almost nothing but clips of Alice Walker reading poetry about how evil the Nike corporation is.
I'm that guy.
But do you know what I'm not doing? I'm not tuning into HBO to watch Jill Scott solve a series of Scooby Doo mysteries just because her debut album was glued to the inside of my CD player for months after I first bought it.

So keep playing Jazz festivals. Tour France. If Sesame Street calls and wants you to hang out with Elmo and explain the letter B -- tell them no. If John Cougar Mellenhead wants to collaborate on a song, turn him down (Me'Shell and I were eventually able to get past that particular rough patch -- but it's only because she'd already done that album with Marcus Miller a year earlier).
Do all those things, and I'll love you forever.

I Know You Know
I know I can't be alone in this -- have you ever found yourself so smitten (musically or otherwise) with a new artist that you immediately go out and snatch up as much of their stuff as you can get your hands on, and if so --
Who was it?

[Listening To:  Al Dimeola"Elegant Gypsy Suite" ]


Satorical said…
Speaking of Rita Moreno and kids shows. This got my kiddie hormones percolating:

But look, we all have those artists we stay true to for no good reason. For instance,

I bought the second Young MC album. It actually had a (pretty good) song on it called Album Filler. That should have warned me.
Monster said…
First of all, I'm with you on the Jill Scott thing. I saw the video for "A Long Walk" while giving blood once, and maybe it was, you know, having BLOOD SUCKED OUT OF ME but I totally dug it. The live version of "You Got Me" she performed with the Roots is stupid good. Then enter Oprah, and, like so many things in my life, with Oprah came destruction.

As I sit here and think of my hardcore musical crushes, though, I'm coming out pretty on top. I went bananas over Living Colour in high-school, that served me pretty well, even through the relatively lean Corey-solo-record phase. I bought seven Belle & Sebastian albums at Vinyl Fever in one go (after hearing them on actual vinyl via Craig Campbell), and they've not let me down since.

OH! I got it. F'n Jewel.

She was super hot and totally lovable in the "I JUST got out of my van - that is also my house - and crawled into this coffee shop" days. She poked fun at herself and stole Dylan lyrics and said very sweet things that made me feel not sweet at all.

The downfall started with a spot on a Schumacher Batman soundtrack and hasn't ended yet - but I think we're in the 5th or 6th circle of hell featuring a reality show on CMT. :::sigh:::

Dig around and find the never-released (to my knowledge) track "Carnivore", from the never-released (to my knowledge) genuine second album. Oh, the things we missed.
shaina said…
Chris Corner. Is. The. Sex. Seriously, I'll buy anything he remotely breathed on. And this has been going on since like, 1998. From Sneaker Pimps, to IAMX to Robots in Disguise. If he coughed on it, I want it.
Satorical said…
Great comment, Monster. "With Oprah comes destruction" is the new catchphrase.

I figured out which one I have: Annie Lennox. Sure, I bought low and held on, but have you heard "Bare?" Horrid. Occasionally, someone needs to tell her when it sucks.

I'm also not crazy about anything k.d. lang has done since getting out of country. That's a lot of CDs now. I mean, I'm glad Tony Bennett loves you, but would it kill ya to write some quirky stuff again? Doesn't have to be country, but where'd the sense of humor go?
whatigotsofar said…
I've never let my dick dictate my musical listenings. My penis has no ears. If it did, I'd have purchased albums by Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. Because, when they were hot sexy jailbait, well, I was a lonely horny teenager. But instead, I listened to No Doubt, not because Gwen is pretty, but because her brother could write a decent tune.

When I first heard Muse, I went out a bought all their stuff. I'm talkin' CD singles, Japanese imports, everything. Paid a small fortune for it too. Now all that stuff is readily available and now they suck.
But my adoration for Muse was based on my ears, not my dick. That trio of guys, kinda weird looking. Even if I was into guys, I don't think I'd find them attractive.

I've actually got a little theory about the relation between looks and talent. If an artist has a record deal and promotion to actually get played on the radio and TV, but they're ugly, they must be talented. Not to say good looking people can't be talented, just that they don't need the talent to get where they got. The talent is just an added bonus. Pretty people will get promoted to the top of the music business solely based on their looks. Face facts folks, Britney Spears got to where she is because she jiggled around in a Catholic school girl uniform then kissed a milf on live TV. She can't sing her way out of a cardboard box, but as long as she can give guys a stiffy, she'll be on top.
Werdna said…
I get into bands and acquire everything they put out. Pretty much. Everybody mentioned on this page except Rita Moreno and Britney I went on a tear through their entire catalog. I have a problem.

7 seconds was the most disappointing that way. Because in spite of about 2 albums worth of good material, it is spread over about 14 albums and singles or so.

Jewel by the way was phenomenal when she was just coming up. I saw her at a couple local gigs around San Diego (including a charity gig), and she had it all charisma, a tight musical act, a little self deprecating comedy/kitch, a touch of pain and self revelation. She could put on a good show with a band, or by herself. I wonder where that Jewel went?
Hex said…
Satorical -- Speaking of artists you're loyal to, I saw that Colin Hay is coming to Jax to perform pretty soon.

Monster -- First things first, Jill let me down.

I've followed as many of the Living Colour solo album threads that i can find. Some are better than others, but if it means any of them will play live (like Corey's solo album did) then I want to know about it.

I could never get with Jewel, but I do have another name that evokes similar anger in me -- Dido. That first album was cool, but I shoulda known..

Shaina -- Love me some sneaker pimps. It also occurs to me that there are several bands featuring ex-NIN members that were totally worth it(Telefon Tel Aviv, Black Light Burns, etc).

Satorical II -- Tony Bennett has that effect on artists. It's like he dumbs them down, and they never get over it. You know who else has a bad habit of doing that lately? Carlos Santana.

That's right, I said it!

WIGSF -- While I appreciate your dedication to your ears, all of my Carly Simon, Funkadelic, and Herb Alpert album covers wish to disagree with you.
Hex said…
Werdna -- Yeah, later era Seven Seconds was sad. The new rendition of Dinosaur Jr. is equally dislikable.

Thank jebus for the Lemonheads.

If I'm not mistaken, Jewel and her new nose is Dancing with the Stars as we speak.
Monster said…
I'm gonna speak for my bro Werdna here and say:

We know what that thing you all call Jewel is doing. We're wondering what happened to JEWEL.

Which is, kinda, the whole point restated, I guess.
The Kaiser said…
King Crimson for me. Colin (the other member of the apparently musically contagious Bro.s Campbell) played something of theirs for me when we were in HS, and I pretty much bought anything of theirs as soon as I saw it afterwards.
Werdna said…
Which is fantastic... (re: King Crimson)- because Hex and I turned them on to Crimso.