The Friday Hot Sheet

It's the first week of full time father/son cohabitation, and things seem to be going well. I kinda lucked out in this unexpected shift because it also happens to be Curren's spring break. Honestly, I think they should just re-name elementary school spring breaks to something like "Teachers be tired." I mean, it's not like the boy is piling into a Power Wheels Jeep with 5 of his brosephs and heading down to Panama City to scope out beach bunnies or anything.
I'll tell you what though, if they made a funnel for Capri Sun -- my kid would rule every contest.
I think that's the key here to helping him really fit in -- make up a flyer to put up by the apartment mailboxes that say, "Bladderbust this Saturday!!" And then invite all the neighborhood children.

If you need me -- I'll be the one sitting in the lifeguard chair with the super-soaker full of Berry Blue Kool-aid telling all the children not to forget that every time Elmo refers to himself in third person they have to do a pixie stick shot.
It's gonna be epic. Trust.
So before the entire apartment complex gets together to vote me dad of the year -- here are this weeks risers and fallers, and the buzz as it looks from here.
Jay Cutler
Traded to
Oh man, don’t even get me started. This whole thing has been a clusterfuck from the start, when new Broncos head coach Josh McDaniels offended the tender sensibilities of NFL quarterback Jay Cutler by not only publicly making moves to replace him with his former Patriots protégé Matt Cassell, but then once that cat got out of the bag apparently making remarks directly to Cutler about how he would "never really fit into the new system at all" – leading to the mother of all hissyfits and then this move to trade our Franchise QB away. None of which is supposed to indicate that Cutler or his agent Bus Cook aren't a bunch of whining crybabies (because they certainly are), but simply that there were a multitude of other ways this problem could have been fixed other than a pre-draft day trade. Denver set the price high, demanding at least two first rounders in exchange for Cutler, but when you start throwing around terms like multiple draft picks and "serviceable" signal callers what you’re really saying is rebuilding and as far as this Broncos fan is concerned that’s really not what a team that was on the verge of a playoff berth last season should be working towards. Plus -- Orton’s a stiff. I don’t care what all these talking heads say, if the guy couldn’t win a dedicated starting job away from Rex effing Grossman, then I don’t want him in my backfield. The only way this could possibly turn out well is if we trade picks to get hot rookie prospect Mark Sanchez, but even if we do that (which, btw – hooray, another rookie QB) doesn’t it sort of screw the pooch on the sweet deal we just made? Seriously, I’m not liking this new coach at all. Bring back Dracula.
Lets play $25,000 Pyramid for a second. I’ll give the clues and you guess the answer. The clue is "Marcy Playground" – at which point like 99.9% of the people in the world would say "Bands who wrote Sex and Candy?" -- and I would begrudgingly say yes, but then I would proceed to rail on you for like an hour for not knowing the rest of their catalog. To be completely fair -- I’m this way with a lot of bands, but on my extensive list of One Hit Wonders who got TOTALLY screwed, Marcy P is up there near the top. Think of it like this: If you liked the idea of Dinosaur Jr. but (like me) found it somewhat annoying that Jay Mascus never seemed to have the motivation to oh I don’t know, wake the hell up long enough to sing coherent-sounding lyrics, then Marcy Playgrounds non-Sex and Candy discography might just be for you. And I know lots of people think Jay Mascus is some sort of indie god or something, but you know what? Screw him. Screw him and his stupid hat. If I want to listen to someone mumble in their sleep over a bunch of major chords I’ll buy a Dylan record. If you want some good-time songs with a post-grunge sound, you could do a lot worse than St. Joe on the Schoolbus or It’s Saturday.
Nom Nom
Speaking of indie rock darlings, Nerf Herder lead singer Parry Gripp runs a song-of-the-week website/YouTube channel where he essentially creates soundtracks for Internet Memes, many of which have turned into viral sensations themselves. One of his latest creations is making the rounds like crazy lately, and although I’m sure to be sick of it tomorrow -– it’s kinda hard to deny the mega-joules of cute that are literally pouring off of this thing. What’s worse, on more than one occasion I’ve caught myself sort of singing it as I munch through the daily salads that have become a part of my latest health food/exercise kick. Despite the fact that I probably sound like a moron singing the thing, I have to admit that it does make a pretty effective soundtrack when trying to power through a stalk of broccoli.
out in
the Dark
I used to have a roommate named Ted. Ted couldn't cook. Ted couldn't cook for shit. But like all roommate situations, there came a point where everyone else in the house got sick of Ted skipping out on things the rest of us had to do -- and one day after we brought down the gauntlet on him Ted agreed to cook us dinner. This was back in college, so Ted went for one of the basic food groups as his first offering -- Kraft Mac and Cheese. We all came home from class to find Ted beaming over his creation, and being hungry college boys we dug in without question, only to find the results foul-tasting and wrong. We asked Ted how he could possibly screw up something as simple as box Macaroni and Cheese, and he seemed flabbergasted. "I followed the instructions perfectly!" he said, but then quickly added "except we were out of milk, so I used some of that nonfat coffee creamer instead." My apartment complex is kinda like that sometimes. After a long time of not having one, they proudly announced the opening of on-site gym facilities. People eagerly flocked to the designated space and discovered a series of treadmills and weightlifting equipment. One little problem though -- the room hasn't been wired for electricity yet, so there are no lights. It's a convenient place to work out before the sun goes down, but after that it's pretty much worthless. I'm sure it will be fixed soon, but until then all I can really say is, "You know what, Ted? Maybe you shouldn't really be cooking after all."
I don't know -- it was ok. The 3D was really cool (I guess this movie is the trial run for a new process or something) -- but the odd thing about it was that they basically got the formula backwards. Most successful kids movies have this trick they play where in amongst the kid-friendly plotline and character arcs there are sly little jokes aimed at the adults in the room -- Things that the kids themselves aren't probably even aware that they're missing. In contrast, Monsters vs. Aliens was essentially two hours of jokes aimed at mom and dad with a couple of slapstick jokes, Seth Rogan one-liners, and bright flashy colors tossed in for the little ones. Or to put it another way -- I enjoy it just as much as the next guy when Stephen Colbert takes multiple shots at typical Presidential behavior in the face of a crisis -- but I'm pretty sure most of it flew right over my 8 year-old's head. Although my son did say he liked it -- the simple fact is that he hasn't asked for a single movie-related toy from it since, which in my mind is basically a kiss of death review.
This is seriously cool. It's a website that lets you type in lines of text that are then incorporated directly into a short film featuring animated characters. Obviously there are some limitations to the thing in terms of character movement and getting the computer-generated voices to enunciate the lines exactly the way you want them too, but if you're willing to accept that -- you can basically get these cute little animals to say anything you want them too.

[Listening to:  Dry Kill Logic - "Kingdom of the Blind" ]


Satorical said…
Please tell me you wrote that script. That is awesome.
wigsf said…
You've opened a whole new world for me. And I'm not just talking about ear sex.
Dorian said…
Nom nom nom nom nom... I'm seriously in love with that site now.
Heff said…
Full time ? Like, full custody ? If so, CONGRATS !!
Jaeme said…
You have to work with what you have--no excuses. Just run with a flashlight. Or strap a helmet light to your head and just fucking go. Haha. Do it, seriously.
lifeguard chair said…
Nice Read

JerseySjov said…
I used to have a computer game where you could write plays for American Girl characters. I know I'm going to have a lot of fun playing with that xtranormal thing...In fact me writing this comment was interrupted by me testing it out.

I'm glad the first week of father-son cohabitation went well!
LadyShay said…
I really liked Monsters vs. Aliens. We saw Bolt in 3D, and really there was nothing 3D about it. This time there was a little bit more. I can't wait for UP. My daughter liked Monsters, she's 4 so she likes anything lol.
Frank said…
nom nom nom nom nom nom nom.

I think I've found that new video that I'm going to piss everyone off with by sending it to them.
Hex said…
Satorical -- I wish I could take credit for that one, but I'm just the man standing next to the man.

WIGSF -- You're All Clear, Kid. Now let's blow this thing and go home.

Dorian -- Make sure you check out "Do you like waffles?" It's one of my favorites.

Heff -- Not exactly that. But perhaps a step in that direction. The main thing is that the boy is taken care of.

Jaeme -- The last time I was in there I was using the glow of my cell phone to set the weights on one of the machines. LOL.

Lifeguard Chair/Konika -- Glad you liked it :)

Jersey -- It is addicting. I was messing with it almost all Friday afternoon.

Shay -- Bolt was just bad. I feel like Monsters v. Aliens hits different people in different ways, but the consensus on Bolt is pretty damn clear.

Frank -- You're All Clear, Kid. Now let's blow this thing and.. oh wait, I already did that, didn't I?