Resisty Rocks

Apparently as a result of a recent decision from corporate, starting Monday morning food and drink will no longer be allowed in offices that are directly adjacent to manufacturing areas.

On the one hand, this makes a ton of sense because to get from the café to my office I have to walk through a hallway where I pass by the entrance to several controlled environments, and if some unforeseen accident were to happen and I spilled something onto the floors, there would be possible problems with contamination.
This is actually one of the main reasons I choose not to eat lunch at my desk.
But this time the new rules include the removal of several previous "acceptable exclusions," like bottles of water with closeable tops AND covered coffee mugs.
I repeat:
NO. Coffee. Allowed. at employee desks. At. All.
You, know -- I used to think you were cute, but now you're starting to bug me. First you make me park all the way over in BFE (although to be honest, about a month after that decree I just began parking in my old spot again and no one's said boo about it), but now you're messing with my coffee -- and I'm afraid that sir, is a step too far.
Btw, can you still call something a black market if you offer cream and sugar?
Unfortunately, this order comes from up on high -- so there's really not all that much that can be done about it without risking my job. I'd still be able to drink my coffee in the breakroom, so it's not like they're banning the drug from the campus completely -- but I don't know that the cleanliness compliance studies that were performed prior to all these new rules being enforced really accounted for just how important people being able to drink coffee while they work is to the production process around here.
So all that leaves me with is this: Revolution.
Now before we get started here, I'd like to take a moment to dispell some rumors -- because unlike other groups who didn't take the requisite time first to check the Urban Dictionary to ensure that their nationwide protest movement didn't just happen to share a name with a revolting sexual act, we at the 'Don't take away my coffee, you wouldn't like me when I havent had my coffee' central offices truly wish to ensure the integrity of our actions -- so please disregard any and all emails earlier this week requesting people to wear the black armbands with the words "Rusty Trombone" written on them.
That was not an official communication.
Now, on to the plan: See, the new order doesn't officially kick in until Monday -- so in celebration, I'm thinking that for the rest of the week I should prepare and then consume the messiest, most hands-on meals I can think of at my workspace.
Think -- It ain't illegal yet.
I'm talking like crawdads, buffalo wings, BBQ ribs (hell I might just finally take advantage of that disgusting free Cole slaw offer the sales guys think we all appreciate), full Maine Lobster -- stuff like that. So what I need from you, dear friends -- is menu suggestions.
Because if they're gonna try to mess with a brother's coffee,
then it's gonna get straight Skeksis up in here, knammsayin?


[Listening to:  88 Keys (feat. Shitake Monkey) - "The Friends Zone" ]

Comments

Monster said…
All of your suggestions are great, but I think you're missing the dimension that'll really get you noticed.

You need tuna salad.

For maximum effect, bring cans of tuna, mayo, and relish to work in a paper bag, then open and mix at your desk. That should achieve messiness with a kind of olfactory bonus. Just by having lunch, you will have said, loud and clear:

"I read your new rule, and I think IT STINKS."

(I only suggest this as you work nearly 3,000 miles away from me and thus I have no prayer of smelling it. Just the thought of tuna smell is making me a little gaggy at the moment.)
Satorical said…
Post this in the break room, minus the bit about your illegal parking.
wigsf said…
'ow 'bout some freshly mugged fried chicken? Eh?

Or 'ow 'bout some popsicles. And suck 'em down with a really slurpy messy sound. Does sound count in this revolution?

What if you pay some local latino children to walk through the hallways saying "Don't take away our coffee. It is the lifeblood of our little community in Columbia."

That's just the worst thing you've ever read, huh?
Narm said…
Sauerkraut. NOTHING smells worse than that. Get the entire office smelling like old feet and see how they like the no coffee rule.
Satorical said…
Remind me never to start a passive-aggressive war with you people.
Melissa said…
This will not stand, ya know, this aggression will not stand, man!

Sloppy Joes... messiness factor

Any sort of fish... stink factor

And once the rule is in place, just spend an insane amount of time in the breakroom drinking coffee.

Good luck!
Heff said…
Once everyone's production level falls into the shitter, they'll allow coffee wherever you wanna drink it. It's just a matter of time.
The Kaiser said…
On a similar note to the 'kraut: kimchi.

You should also bring in dome durian and crack the husk open in the office. Be real sure about it first though, it might actually get you fired.

I would also suggest finding some really smelly cheeses to snack on. Nothing lingers quite like sheese stench.

Also: the trick with fish stuff is that it really only smells a LOT while being cooked, so make sure you microwave that shit or something to heat it up.
JerseySjov said…
oh god. a proletarian revolt. it's like my social inequality theory class come to life.
Hex said…
Monster -- Now that's what I'm talking about. Maybe I can get some avacados and make guacamole right on my desk too!

Satorical -- it's not really that kind of environment around here. Especially with all the recent scares abotu layoffs. I kinda wish there was a bigger cynic scene here, but if I posted this up -- they'd sell me out like an old horse on the Animal Farm.

WIGSF -- it's up there, but I think your prediction abotu the Sharks winning the cup is still worse. LOL

Narm -- It does smell, but if it means I could have a Reuben, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Love those sammiches!

Satorical -- What, you don't love the smell of Tuna and Sauerkraut in the morning? It sorta smells like victory..

Melissa -- Sloppy Joes are hardcore. I can't remember the last time I had one of those. Probably a good thing.

Heff -- That's what I keep saying. Bunch of tea drinkers around here.

Kaiser -- oh man, Kimchi would do it. I'd be on the third floor in a hot minute for that mess.

Jersey -- Da, Komrade ;)