The Friday Hot Sheet

I know this may come as a shock to some of you, but Florida is kind of a weird place. We frequently get confused when we vote, our politics are heavily influenced by old word religious ideology, the killer whales in our amusement parks occasionally kill their trainers, and although I wouldn't consider touching them without wearing gloves first -- the white trash portion of our population is continually stepping their game up to ensure that no matter how many strides and improvements all those meth addicts in the Midwest try to make America will always know exactly who the true People of Wal-Mart are.

But more than that -- the Sunshine State is also home to some of the most screwed up weather patterns you'll ever find. I know parts of the Northeast are buried under snow right now, and winter still has most of the north in it's clutches -- and while I'm not going to even try to argue that we have it worse than any of those people -- what we do have on a really regular basis this time of year is a weekend where it's pretty consistently 80 degrees out and sunny followed by a Monday where temperatures are in the 40's and it's raining out. We've also been getting our share of days that start out cold, and end up sunny and hot.

This is a problem for two reasons -- First, you're continually guessing which clothes are gonna work best for the day. You're always asking yourself -- "Do I wear the sweater, or will I end up melting in it come 2:30?" But more than that -- these conditions make for a high risk of your kids forgetting to bring home their winter jackets (or worse, losing them altogether). You bundle them up in the mornings when it's cold, but then by recess they don't need them -- so they put them down SOMEWHERE and then come home without them, leaving you utterly FUBAR for the next morning when it's inexplicably cold again.

So before I have to go to buy another jacket for the boy -- here are this weeks risers and fallers, and the buzz as it looks from here..
The Healthcare SummitI spent a good amount of time yesterday hooked into a livestream of the proceedings on Capitol Hill (thanks Internet), and while I'm not sure all the posturing and grandstanding going on really helped solve anything -- I personally couldn't have been more impressed with Obama's overwhelming patience throughout the whole thing. I'm not Mr. CSPAN or anything, but I do try my best to keep my ear to the ground with things like this. And to just see him doing his very best to get people to get past all the talk so we could finally get something done was really reassuring. If there's any criticism that can be floated about this administration, it's that they haven't really done a lot of what they said they were going to do when they were elected. But seeing the gridlock in that meeting between BOTH parties made it a little easier to understand why. All that being said, I worry about the chances this bill has. It's become such a political fighting point that it's as if people have forgotten that there's still a huge problem out there. The amount of money my dad (among millions of others) literally throws out the window to get the prescriptions he needs every month is staggering. There HAS to be a better way to handle this -- and whether it's Obamas plan or something new that both parties come up with, I wish they'd just get off their hands and make it happen.
Monster JamWhen you live somewhere for a long time, it's only natural that some of the culture of the area will rub off on you. For example, my boy Satorical spent most of his younger years in Florida, but when you get right down to it, dude's a New Yorker. His time in that city grooved with him in such a positive way that no matter where he lives that attitude permeates what he does. By the same token, as much as I sort of recoil in horror at a lot of the redneck culture that surrounds me on a regular basis, I've simply lived here too long to be immune to all of it. Whether it's listening to Lex and Terry or preferring Maxwell House coffee over Starbucks -- parts of this city are in my blood. One of those parts happens this weekend, when the annual Monster Truck rally known as "Monster Jam" invades Jacksonville Municipal Stadium, bringing some 80,000 hillbilly spectators from the surrounding areas with it. Unfortunately, for the first time in three years -- I won't be one of them. Even though it wasn't anything that was specifically planned out or anything that -- this will be the first time that Monster Jam will take place on a weekend where my son is staying with his mother.

And while there are things about the event I enjoy on sort of a primal level -- it really is experienced best as a father/son sort of deal. There's sort of a wide-eyed amazement at the spectacle of it all that makes it fun for a little kid , but even when I've gone with friends in the past -- there's just something about having someone else around to make fun of the astounding amount of human FAIL happening all around you that makes the entire experience kind of kickass. Don't get me wrong here: I enjoy watching shit get crushed by giant machines -- but the best part of the whole thing by far is the people watching. The Jacksonville event is the only one all year in the region -- so necks from all over the area come down for it, turning the whole thing into some sort of Hillbilly Prom. Last year there was an overweight guy wearing denim overalls without a t-shirt underneath and a necktie, who was (no lie) walking towards the concession stands with a midget in a cowboy hat. You could watch an entire year of Maury and COPS and not see something like that, knammsayin?
Tim Tebow    Speaking of things I'm not going to be at -- former University of Florida quarterback Tim Tebow will be making an appearance at a local sports memorabilia store next week for an autograph session. This of course feeds into the hysteria that's sort of washed over this town about the possibility that the Jacksonville Jaguars will take him in the upcoming NFL draft, which (if it happened) would probably be the closest thing to a mind-blowing orgasm that his rabid fans in this town could possibly experience. While the rest of the country views Tebow's ultra all-American super Christian act as sort of a novelty -- a huge percentage of people in Jacksonville literally consider him to be some sort of demigod. Tebow played his high school games here, and then went on to lead the college that most people in this town cheer for to national prominence -- so the idea that he could then return like Jesus on a sunbeam to resurrect the floundering Jaguars franchise from multiple underachieving seasons and prevent the team from moving to Los Angeles is the kind of storyline that nearly every jagoff in this town has been gushing about for the past five years. So the idea that you could actually go and shake the golden boy's hand is more than a lot people around here can handle. Sure you'll have to pay $160 just to have the privilege of standing in line and another $50 to have your picture taken with him -- most of which will be paid to Tebow's charitable foundation (or you know, ..something like that), but it's an event that's already carrying a ton of buzz with it around town. But here's the thing: The Jaguars really can't take Tebow in the draft. They need a franchise quarterback, and they need him now -- and even if Tebow makes it in the league (which is a possibility even a 'Nole like me can admit to) it will still be years before he's really ready to play. Seriously, can you even imagine what it would be like in the stands if Saint Tebow were sitting on the sideline doing nothing and David Garrard was on the field throwing interceptions? I know the talk is that drafting him would be a public relations coup -- but you've got to look past that. Can the guy actually win you games in a division featuring Peyton Manning in Indianapolis and Chris Johnson in Tennessee? Especially when you consider that the Jags have nobody worth mentioning playing receiver and a terrible offensive line? At the same time it's sort of frightening to imagine the public backlash that will happen if owner Wayne Weaver drafts one of the higher-rated signal callers available. Either way the whole thing's got mess written all over it -- meaning this autograph signing dog and pony show is only the first chapter in what's sure to be a crazy football season in the city of Jacksonville.
Ads for this remake of the 1973 George Romero classic have been playing non-stop on my TV lately, and although it's clearly going to just be another half-assed horror remake overrun with CGI gore and bad jokes, I'm jazzed about seeing it. I'm also a fan of the original, so the film geek in me is curious to see how Hollywood will go about screwing this one up. I know Shutter Island is also out there, and I want to see that too, but that's a different sort of film. I'm not going to Shutter Island to laugh at peoples misfortunes and throw popcorn at the screen. That's what I pay movies like The Crazies for.
You can't expect everything to be perfect all the time, especially in a situation that's already sort of weird to begin with -- but the phone's been pretty good to me this week. I don't know, I think sometimes I lose track of how good it is just to have someone to talk to about nothing after a long day. How lucky I am to have someone who understands the utter awesomeness and hilarity that comes from even the idea of someone thinking of making a porn version of a show like Intervention -- much less the fact that something like that actually exists (slightly NSFW). Sometimes when you're trying to figure all the big things out stuff like that gets lost. And I for one was really thankful to have it back, even if it's just for a little while in the evenings before drifting off to sleep.
Team CanadaMaybe what the Canadian Olympic Hockey Team needed was a good ass-kicking to get them in gear -- because they've been playing like monsters ever since the US Team embarrassed them last week. They destroyed what had previously appeared to be a monster Russian team, which puts them one step closer to a gold medal rematch with the Americans. And much like I was talking about earlier this week (Perhaps Steve Yzerman is secretly a reader of this blog?), they did it by stepping up the physical play, grinding in the corners, and leaving all that finesse play garbage at home. Or who knows, maybe they just took a hint from the Canadian women's team -- who glided easily to gold the other night after beating the snot out of every team they faced along the way. Speaking of the ladies team, did you catch their act after winning the gold -- coming back out on the ice smoking cigars and drinking beer? Forget the cougars on the curling team -- where can I find me one of these crazy underage chicks who bring Molson to work with them?
The Juggalo News Network  While I am disappointed that I'm not going to have the chance to point and laugh at all the hicks who will surely be at the monster truck rally this weekend, it's not like they're the only idiots in the world available for ridicule at any given time. Which is perhaps why I got such a kick out of this YouTube clip (language NSFW) that's been making the rounds lately -- featuring the latest in fair and balanced news and opinion for all the ninjaz wearing clown face paint and baggy pants from Hot Topic. Laugh quietly though, or you might get smacked in the nuggs.
Turning JapaneseI have a problem. I love Takashi Murakami’s artistic style. His hypercolor interpretations of Japanese pop culture first caught my eye when I saw one of his full-size paintings at MOMA, and I've been hooked ever since. I even dug the stuff he did with Kanye West. But now he's collaborated on a music video with Terminator Salvation director McG on remake of one of my favorite old 80's hits by the Vapors featuring troll-faced stick-figure Kirsten Dunst -- and I can't really figure out how to feel about it. It's all part of an exhibit Murakami's featuring at the Tate Gallery in London, so perhaps seeing the rest of the installations would help me get a better understanding of what he was going for in terms of the overall message -- but short of that, it just sort of feels like someone took a giant Dunst right in the middle of what should have been a fun little music video.
See what you think:

Note: This video was filmed in Tokyo’s Akihabara district and features several NSFW images
from the area that flash by pretty quickly, but could still get you in trouble if you're not careful.

[Listening to:  Hellyeah - "Star" ]


Satorical said…
Juggalo News Network was goddamned awesome. As for Dunst, I shared an elevator ride with her this week and can say she's both cute and nice. Not really my deal, but nothing to hate on. Tastes vary.

You're dead-on about Tebow. If he doesn't get the team of his choice, he could always run for Governor of Florida.
Anonymous said…
I went to high school with a former member of team canada woman's hockey team. she's not on the team before, but was there for the past two olympics.

partying with those girls, you gotta know one thing, they lesbic, partying in the shower is much more fun to be a part of

by the way, word ver. is redwaye
Heff said…
Florida "weird" ??? NO !! Say it ain't so !!!

We differ on politcal views, but I STILL find you extremely cool.

Still waiting to see some new vid of you with that awesome guitar, btw....
Monster said…
I agree w/ Satorical - you're right on re: Tebow. It's ugly all the way down.

I don't hate Kirsten Dunst (except for the kind-of radiant hate I have for anyone who had anything to do with Spiderman 3 - I'm talk to YOU, Raimi) - but there are loads of other cute Hollywood starlets that could have done that which would have made it less of a question mark and more of an awesome mark.

All of them can't have so much to do that a trip to Japan is out of the question.
Anonymous said…
Aw man, try Houston for the most fugged up weather award.

We are the kings and queens of the coat over a tank top with rain boots in case it floods.

I have nothing else of value to add. Good day.

Anonymous said…
Dunst still looks like Billy Corgan
JerseySjov said…
dude, 40 degrees out IS shorts weather, i don't see the predicament.

i'm also excited about the crazies and shutter island, but i'll probably wait for them to come out on redbox or hope one of the guys finds them illegally online bc cheap and free is better than...not.
Kimberly said…
Don't worry - The boy had fun at Monster Truck Jam! And he's got the $20 silly tire-shaped ear-muffs to prove it! :-)
Hex said…
Satorical -- I should qualify that when I speak ill of the Dunst, it's based off not knowing her and my personal reactions to her movie work. Most celebrities I snark at are probably cool people in some way or another -- which you probably found out on that elevator.

WIGSF -- I know you were partying in NYC when you posted this comment, which perhaps explains why it's garbled a bit -- but what's this about you showering with lesbians? I'd personally like to hear a little more about that story.

Heff -- I was hoping to have some band-type footage from my new gig for you, but that sorta crapped out. I'll come up with something.

The fact that we differ politically but can still get along and rock says a lot. Perhaps WE should fix this health care mess -- whaddyasay?

Monster -- My feeling is a gig like this with McG and Murakami was a "who you know/who you party with" kind of deal. My suspicion is there's a ton of that going on in Hollywood/Manhattan these days.

Gem -- I prefer my weather to be McDLT. Hot side hot -- cold side cold, knammsayin?

Jon -- Lol. In spite of her rage she's still just a rat in a cage, eh?

Jersey -- The Crazies looks like the more fun of the two, but I'm more likely to wait for video on that one. Shutter Island is Scorsese, and I prefer to catch him on the big screen when I can.

Kimberly -- I'm glad he had fun :)