Bad Donkeys, No Donut

Before I start in on this discussion -- I wanted to note that after a recent slew of sports-heavy Friday Hot Sheets, I got a text from my girl Hana informing me that there was way too much sports and not enough boobs on my blog lately (a statement I wholeheartedly agree with) and that I should fix it immediately.

So with that in mind, let's talk NFL draft.

First off, the NFL Draft is the worst thing ESPN has ever done to humanity. By definition, any process made up of guys in suits sitting around for three days waiting to say some other guys name every 15 minutes should not be on TV. Don't let any sports fan, no matter how football obsessed they claim to be try to tell you that the draft is in any way interesting. It's boring. It always has been boring. It always will be boring. It's one of those things that's infinitely better when alcohol's involved -- and even that might be at risk this year since it's going to be broadcast on a weekday.

Simply put, the NFL Draft is Valentines Day for sports geeks.

There's months of buildup, it means next to nothing concrete when it happens, nothing's really different the day after it's over -- and yet we expect for everyone else to understand importance and allow us to spend several hours, if not all day long basking in it. It's a non-event that is hyped beyond belief because fans are so starved for games that they'll take anything they can get.

See, once upon a time ESPN happened upon this unique situation -- an NFL event that the networks didn't want. One that allowed for multi-faceted coverage, endless hype, and played directly to their central demographic. Not to mention the fact that broadcasting it every year built up the kind of equity with the league that eventually enabled them to be a part of live game coverage like they always wanted.

Of course, back in the day the draft took place on a weekend -- where you could either go to a sports bar and make a party event out of it, or even watch parts of it at home and then step out for a few hours and run errands and play with your kids and come back and catch up on whatever you missed (if you even really cared). Now it's going to be on during prime time -- right up against popular network shows, all but taunting arguments and tension in the houses where it might get watched. And for what? to find out that the two guys we know are going #1 and #2 will go first and second? Which is to say nothing of all the added tension that has come this time because of former Florida Gators quarterback Tim Tebow (who if you follow this blog even casually you know I'm utterly sick of hearing about how great he is) -- and where he will end up.

The coverage of this question has dominated sports news and opinion outlets for as long as I can remember -- especially here in Jacksonville, where the fawning hero worship of Tebow is fever-pitched not only because of his local ties (he played high school ball here before leading this town's favorite college team to championship prominence) but also because of the Jacksonville Jaguars glaring offensive woes, most of which can be traced back to lackluster quarterback play.

So of course local fans are going crazy over the idea that the Jags will get Tebow who will bless this city once again with his magical God-anointed touch and finally bring us to sanctified glory over all those sinners in Pittsburgh.

Problem is, the Jags apparently don't want him.

See, this is why the draft should be hated. Because nowhere else in the year is it more evident that teams don't give a crap what fans want. The draft is really all about finding guys who can run a certain speed or bench press a certain amount of weight. Teams want you to buy tickets, jerseys, and officially licensed video games -- but they really don't care what you want to see them do in order to help their own chances to win. They'll take some guy you've never heard of to play a position they've already got 5 guys playing, which means he'll sit on the bench for a few years before getting shipped off to Houston.

The Jaguars have desperate defensive needs, both on their line and in the secondary, not to mention holes on their offensive line. They have the 10th pick, which guarantees them a quality player regardless of position -- so it would be simple to think they'd take this opportunity to fill one of those holes and better their chances to win games next season.

And yet most sources say they'll take a running back like CJ Spiller, who they don't really need at all.

It's weird -- I'm not really a Jaguars fan at all. I grew up loving the Denver Broncos and I stick by them year after disappointing year -- but I live here. The Jaguars are the local sports story. And even if I don't have an allegiance to them, it's hard not to kind of want them to do good. Or perhaps better put -- as a football fan, it's sorta baffling as to the reason why they can't ever seem to do any better than 8-8 or 9-7 every year.

It's like having a friend who can't get a date and is always whining about it. You want him to get past it so he can be happy and live his life, but you can't really do anything but offer encouragement and maybe suggest things he might do to better his chances of meeting someone (like you're some kind or expert or something) -- but it's not like you can do the talking for him or anything.

Would I like to see the Jaguars win? Honestly I couldn't care either way -- but it's sort of frustrating to see them flail around apparently without any clue every year just because they won't pay big-money free agents or take chances on name guys with possible character issues. It doesn't really seem like it's that hard to find quality guys floating around if you're willing to pay them and deal with a few press headaches here and there as long as they are producing.

Personally, I would love to be able to go to the Landing or some sports bar and just sit back and watch the wind go out of the room when that pick comes up and they don't take Tebow, but there's still a chance they might take him in the later rounds if he's available.

But one thing I do know -- If Jacksonville does pick him, even if it's with the
very last pick of the very last round, this town will become utterly insufferable.

If you think you're tired of him on your TV with his mom telling women not
to get an abortion, just wait until he starts asking you to go buy a Chevrolet.

Basically put, if I ever want to be able to read the paper or listen to sports talk radio ever again without having to hear about it every time this guy blinks, one of the other 31 teams needs to take him.

The popular talk says that Minnesota or New England are interested. There's even rumors that Buffalo might grab him in the first round with the 9th pick (which is ridiculous, but still would be my preferred scenario -- not only because it would stick it in the eye of all these annoying Jag/Gator fans waiting with baited breath for him to be available for the tenth pick, but also because Buffalo hardly ever gets coverage from anyone, which means St. Tim would all but disappear from the radar).

If this happens, all will be fine -- But there's an even darker scenario on the horizon. One that's starting to pick up momentum as the draft gets closer and closer.

My Broncos apparently love the guy.

Which poses an interesting question -- which would be worse? Tim Tebow confirming the wants and desires of every self-righteous a-hole in the city I live in and extending what has already been an annoying period of unwarranted hero-worship, or dude putting on the uniform of my favorite team -- surely bringing with him scores of bandwagon ex-Gator fans into my life as newly converted Broncos fans and further enabling knowitall assmunch head coach Josh McDaniels to find new ways to screw up our playoff chances?

If Tebow becomes a Jaguar, I'll have to continue to endure him and his fans.

But if he becomes a Bronco -- I'll have to ..cheer for him?

So of course I'll end up watching. Soaking up three days of Chris Bermans awful puns, Mel Kiper's hairdo yelling stats at me, and guys talking on the phone just so I can know whether or not this is going to happen and affect my life somewhere in the 6 months to three years from now.

Pointless. And yet hypnotically fascinating to me.

Thanks a lot, ESPN.

[Listening to:  Erykah Badu - "Window Seat" ]