The Biggest Aristotle

Summer's right around the corner, which means the sun will be out, the surf will be warm, and the beaches will be open. -- but like a lot of people out there, sometimes it's not the most comfortable thing in the world to step out on the shore after you've been storing food in your belly all winter.

Even if all you really wanted to do is get in the water and enjoy yourself, in today's world where everyone apparently has nothing better to do than pilates or preacher curls all day long -- it's tough to be the one who doesn't look utterly perfect in a bathing suit.
I know you guys think this physique is the result of hours on end at the gym
-- but the truth of the matter is that I could probably stand to lose a few.
Trouble is -- it's really hard to find an effective diet plan that's easy to stick with. Life gets stressful, and things tend to happen that you don't always expect -- which can lead to binge eating, falling off the wagon, and night after night filled with the empty calories of booze.
So what's a guy to do?
Luckily, I think I've finally found the answer. It's a new diet so simple that anyone can understand and stay with it. No counting points, no calorie journals, no restricted menus or expensive medications. Just simple, natural, common sense mixed with some motivated self-discipline and a healthy awareness of the processed food temptations and habitual risks of your current daily routine.
Here's how it works:
Every day, wake up in the morning and enjoy a glass of water. Then when lunchtime rolls around, it's time for another glass of water.
Then when your day is done you can enjoy a sensible, full-flavored dinner if,
and only if you hear someone reference early '90's rappers
The Fu-Schnickens.
The way I figure it, despite having a great vibe and a decent string of popular songs to their name -- most people these days seem to have trouble remembering the exact name of this particular Fu Tang Clan -- despite the fact that Shaquille O'Neal used to sit in and do a verse with them every now and then, and find it much easier just to call them "You know, those guys that sorta sounded like Das EFX?"

Sticking to this plan is guaranteed to not only to radically cut your daily calorie intake and shed pounds from even the toughest of trouble areas, but it will also give you a new appreciation not only for the unique and flavors of the food you eat, but it will also bring a new significance and importance to dinnertime, one that perhaps has gotten lost in our modern, busy world.

So take the challenge now. Get yourself a good water drinking glass, start spending your free time looking for hot new beach fashions to wear, and prick up your ears so you won't miss a single opportunity to take full advantage of the Fu Schnickens revolution.
Remember, all you have to do is hear their name -- then it's time to get down.

Well whaddaya know, there's one now.
..Bon Appetit, fatty.

[Listening to:  Lostprophets - "Shinobi vs. Dragon Ninja" ]


Bef said…
*dyin* not only because you are a fool...but because I use to say "What The Fu-Schnickens?!" all the time!!!

I might have to bring that back for the '10 lmao
JerseySjov said…
i guess it's a lot easier to be a girl during the summertime. i can feel confident that there's some dude out there staring at me lustfully even though i've been eating fried chicken instead of paying my heat bill on time just because i'm not wearing many articles of clothing.

envy is a sin ;)
unMuse said…
the top 2 pictures made me to a search for "fat girls on trampoline" and now you have to pay. :-)
Satorical said…
That Steve Harvey bit is hilarious. Reminds me of the In Living Colour sketches with the Nation of Islam prison converts trying to attain a higher consciousness--but without the words to express it.
Hex said…
Bef -- Sounds like a Thursday throwback post to me, lol

Jersey -- You just think you can get away with saying those things because you're hot.

..and you'd be right.

ps -- always loved that pic you linked. Cruel as it is, it makes me laugh every time.

unMuse -- lawd. Why did she let them film her doing that?

Satorical - The man will never let you cook his fries. Don't you understand that, my brother?