The Friday Hot Sheet

"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit
with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity."

                              - Albert Einstein
What makes a week feel long? I mean when you get right down to it -- 7 days is still only 7 days. The actual length of a week is never really any different -- so why is it that sometimes you look back over your shoulder and can't even remember a hint of what Monday was like? For example, I was all over the place this week. Meetings, deadlines, international phone calls, little league games, a teacher conference, homework to catch up on, dogs to walk, meals to cook, apartments to clean up. So yeah -- it has felt like a long week. Truth be told, it's felt like a lot of long weeks lately. It's hard to even put it all into words, which perhaps has been part of the problem.
But in the end I guess there's really nothing you can do about it: the clock just keeps on moving.
All that being said -- I'd much rather have a chance to sit with that pretty girl than ever have my hand on the stove again the way it has been lately.
So before the hourglass runs out and I have to start back at it again -- here are this weeks risers and fallers, and the buzz as it looks from here..
The NFL Draft   My son had a little league game last night, so I basically missed the first part of the draft. Luckily my friends on twitter were primed and ready following my recent pre-draft rant to stick it to me if the Jaguars did decide to go ahead and pick Tim Tebow, only to have the thing go from bad to nightmarish when Broncos head coach Josh McDumbass traded away half the teams future picks to jump up and make sure that Tim Tebow didn't miss the first round. I still don't even know what to think. The guy who's been the bane of my football existence for years is now about a half-step away from being the leader of my team. Worse yet, their first game is against the Jaguars -- which means I'll get the chance to see the thousands of suddenly newly converted Broncos fans first hand as they cheer for the backup quarterback on the OPPOSING TEAM sit on the bench and make small talk with the punter. I mean, I guess I'm just gonna have to suck it up and start accepting it -- my team is my team, but honestly, it's like drinking diet Jagermeister. What's the friggin point?
Netflix    For what seems like years I was a member of the Blockbuster video service that was sorta like Netflix. It was sorta cool at first to get movies in the mail, watch them, and then take them to Blockbuster to trade them in for another one -- but eventually it turned into this process where they'd mail me a movie, I'd open it up -- realize I had already seen it on cable or didn't really want to watch it that week, and I'd just put it back in the mail that afternoon. Part of the problem was that somehow Blockbusters selection was severely lacking (especially compared to the choices I now have with Netflix), but that the lack of on-demand options meant I had to keep waiting for something good to come along. So about two weeks ago I dived into Netflix, and once I got it working on my TV I've been hooked to it. It's a much deeper site with a much better selection of bad movies just the way I like 'em, and it's a billion times easier to access. I know everyone else is already on this, so I feel like a dope for waiting so long to jump on board -- but better late than never, right?
Recently after a shakeup of the channel listings on my cable as a result of the addition of a bunch of HD channels, I happened across a bunch of extra HBO and Cinemax channels that I sorta knew I had access to but had never really bothered to check out. One of these is inexplicably called HBO Zone -- and while I'm sure it has an actual purpose or specified genre in mind when it was created, the important thing to know is that this is the place where HBO hides all of it's horrible softcore porn. Basically it's hour after hour of movies with plots(!?) that inevitably lead to unintentionally hilarious sequences of naked white people writhing around not having sex while moaning as if they were.

Like a lot of guys my age, it was a pretty regular ritual when I was younger to try and sneak downstairs to watch Skinemax after 11pm on weekends -- where you'd hang on through the bazillion sequels of Emanuelle just so you can see some hot European boobs, but this -- this is something else entirely. Because for whatever reason, the people who are making these movies have decided that what was really lacking from softcore porn over the years was (wait for it) animation.

I discovered this rather interesting artistic choice when I happened across a little gem of a movie called (I'm not making this up) Cleavagefield -- which is a slightly modified retelling of the recent shaky-cam horror flick where a deadly sea monster attacks Manhattan -- except in this version, a giant green CGI dinosaur stalks through the Valley looking into various apartment building windows where he can watch people getting it on. There was also some subplot about the monster chasing a group of strippers across the city for some reason -- but by that point I was so lost in laughter that it's hard to even remember why.

Now for those of you artless bastards who haven't yet been swayed by the intricacies of this plot or the promise of cutting edge special effects enough to want to rush out and immediately find this movie -- lets not forget about the porn stars who are participating in this thing who aren't getting to have sex in it. There's something really kind of weird about it -- almost like getting a bunch of major league baseball players together for a game of wiffle ball -- and you can kinda tell that the skanks don't quite like it. I mean, if you've seen mainstream porn these days you know it's gotten to a really unlikable place full of spitting and drool and howling frenzied action that doesn't so much look like intimacy as much as it makes you wonder if the quality of meth they sell in Los Angeles is really that much better than what the people on Intervention get to play with. And yet, here those same people are -- not getting to do ANY of those things. I'm sure the way it actually works is that they film one take where they're going at it for real and another where they're not -- but really, what must that be like?
The LosersThe Losers opens this weekend -- and while the story is nothing that we haven't seen before -- it does feature ultra hottie crush object Zoe Saldana as a character named "Who cares she strips down to her lingerie in it." I also find it sort of amusing also that even though the title comes from an old DC comic, the cast features the guy who didn't get famous from Watchmen, The guy who should be ridiculously famous because of The Wire, and the dude who's career never really took off despite being in both of the Fantastic 4 movies. Will it be fun? Sure -- who doesn't love shit blowing up? But how many of us are racing to see this one tomorrow? Probably not enough to make these guys winners just yet.
Tiger WoodsShowed up at the Masters tournament a few weeks back and had a respectable finish, but learned that it's gonna take more than that to escape the shadow of his scandal. And yet, felt good enough about the whole thing to make yet another bad decision when it was reported that he was spotted "rocking out" at a Nickelback concert in Orlando earlier this week. Nickelback, Tiger? Really? Porn Stars and Waffle House waitresses I can eventually forgive. But Nickelback? And you went backstage too? You know what -- Screw Elin's pain. I'm suing you for alimony now. And I want HALF!
Man 2
I know it's getting all the hype and advertising we can possibly stand and then some, but lets not forget that it's a sequel, and those don't always turn out the way we would like them to be. Besides, I hear they've taken some liberties with the plotline, and judging from what I can see in this advance clip -- the changes they made aren't really up my alley at all.
See what you think:

[Listening to:  MeShell Ndegeocello - "Virgo" ]


Bef said…
you may never let me live this down... but I've seen most of Cleavagefield lol

stumbled upon it in the middle of the night...half sleep I'm like what the fuck is this...

it's one of those train wreck kind of movies....I couldn't stop looking at it no matter how bad it was....

and I'm not really into porn soft or hardcore
Heff said…
Thanks for the "heads up" on HBO Zone.

and yes, I've seen Cleavagefield.......about 32 times......
JerseySjov said…
im the type to feel as though individual days drag on forever, but then i blink and realize it's been a month since i last checked.

i really liked not-robert-downey-jr in watchmen, so i'm looking forward to the losers.