Dansu Dansu Dansu

We're getting all this rain lately. Thunderstorms you can hear, even if you're wearing headphones and blaring Black Sabbath while hacking through the jungle of paperwork on the job.

I've been trading emails with the therapist, and it looks like I'll be getting that going soon. 

School starts back up on Monday. The new school seems really large and overbearing, but Curren's new teacher is young, idealistic, and excited. Her classroom is awesome (iPads provided free for every student, flash drives on the school supplies list! -- I didn't think those things went together -- but it's still better than shelling out money for school uniforms and the same old dead textbooks).  Transportation's going to be a hassle -- especially on weeks where I don't have him with me, but that's really nothing new. 

But otherwise there's little to report. I stayed in almost all week. Talked myself out of takeout dinners, drank my own scotch, played guitar, read books, and watched a whole bunch of movies that were so-so, and two that seemed worth a discussion afterwards ("Friends with Kids," which wasn't as good as it was thought-provoking, and "Hot Tub Time Machine" -- which made me laugh a whole lot more than I thought it would).

I don't know -- part of it was money, but mostly I was just more comfortable staying in. Or perhaps better said I've become less than excited with the idea of going out the past few weeks. 

And it's not like I'm outgrowing it (although maybe I should), I like going out and having a few. 

But this past week I couldn't find a point to it. I couldn't find the motivation to be social. Like I said a post or two back, I know this sounds like whining and I apologize for the tone, but it is what it is.

I've gone hermit.

I've also oddly fallen into this weird habit of falling asleep around my normal time but then for whatever reason shocking back awake like three hours later, hopelessly aware and unable to just shake it off and go back to sleep. I've watched some truly horrible cable TV fare when this happens, and the fact that I get mad every time the EBS test signal interrupts whatever plot point was happening in the SciFi channel movie about two-headed shark attacks or the SWAT teams made up of former pro wrestlers only serves to make me feel dumber about the whole enterprise.

But when you're awake in the middle of the night after a period of sleep with nothing but CGI shark attacks and Skinemax softcore to distract you with their separate but equal levels of comedic horribleness, you'll find yourself thinking really lucidly about all sorts of things.

It's like the middle chapters of a Murakami novel, except there aren't any talking cats, manic dream pixie girls, or dancing sheep men. 

Because much like all those Murakami novels, the conversations you have with yourself seem really important at an hour like that.

Whether I'm metaphorically climbing off some freeway into another world or not, all I know is that the guy who wakes up at 3:45 and wants to talk about life in general is oddly more awake than I am at that hour, and it's creeping me out.

For example: I've always wanted to travel, always wanted to explore -- But I rarely do. Even vacations and weekend walkabouts..  something about them seems expensive and unwieldy. I've had some epic trips over the years (Brooklyn, Maine, San Diego), but honestly -- they're so rare that it's frustrating.

Curren's always asking about vacations. And I like the thinking, and want to do those things -- but when it gets down to planning or actually just doing it it's like there's a block there. It wasn't all that different before Curren either, although in most ways that was a different life altogether -- my exwife and I always talked about traveling and moving to exotic places, but we never did. J is a born traveler -- but the situation was always more complicated than it appeared, and she ended up seeing wide parts of the world with someone else.

All of which is circumstance, and not meant to sound like blaming -- especially given the fact that now that I'm on my own and beholden to no one, I'm still not really taking advantage of the opportunities.

Again, partially money -- but I suspect even more of it was rooted in some sort of hesitation. Some sort of needing a kick in the pants to make it happen. It feels like a lot of things in my world are like that now -- which is why I'm gonna start talking to someone.

But it's frustrating to know that there's an easier answer to all this, and that's just to go. Just pack up the car and fucking drive somewhere new. Just shut off the TV and go out into the city. Just take off the headphones and talk to the other human beings that are around you 8 hours a day.

If I could explain it, I would. 

But it's almost worse to be able to recognize it for what it is and yet still not feel like there's anything you can do about it, you know?

[Now Playing:  Periphery - "All New Materials" ]


wigsf3 said…
If you're hearing thunderstorms while listening to Black Sabbath are you sure it's an actual thunderstorm and not just the beginning of Black Sabbath?
Jonathan Dennis said…
A therapist might be good. I wish I could work up the nerve/will to go. Take care.