That's How You Get Ants


There are ants all over the apartment. In the sink, by the catfood. You don't see them at first, but then you'll go to wash a dish and find a line of them training from some crack in the wall down into the sink. They're there because I kinda stopped caring about the place, which is unfortunately a thing that I do sometimes.

This weekend obviously I'm going to try to do something to combat it all, but really -- until I start actually giving a flip about the garbage or my ever-worsening eating habits it's never gonna truly fix everything. Killing the problems you can see means nothing in a fight like this.

I'm really considering going back to therapy.

I haven't called anyone yet -- but I have a list of names. It's weird how I think it's scary, even though I've already been through it a few times. But there's really no way around the fact that whatever this is that I'm dealing with is much more than just the blues. I've got to find a way to fix it.

I think a big part of my issue is how I can look at things like going to therapy or cleaning my place or feeding my fish or playing my guitar or even trying to go out or seeking new people to meet and easily see recurring instances where I just gave up. It's something I can look back and find myself doing even as far back in college, which was ridiculous because I was young and there was life happening all around me, but there was a period where I just wouldn't leave that couch.

I hate talking about it, because it makes me feel like such a whiny little bitch. I mean really, who wants to read a blog post that's just petulant crying anymore. I'm a writer.. I can do better than this, right?

Once upon a time I used to chronicle feelings like this on a blog, and a beautiful woman found it and began reading until one day she reached out to me and made everything awesome -- but then.. then that went away too.

Getting Curren into this new school I think will help with his struggles, but it's a risk. He's getting old enough that just plugging him into a new fix isn't enough anymore -- he's got to want to do better. His attitude will dictate whether or not this change will work.

But if all I'm gonna do is mope and let the dishes pile up and just watch while ants crawl all over my place, what motivation does he have for giving a  crap about the things in his life?

I've got to do better.


[Now Playing:  Frank Ocean - "Pyramids" ]

Comments

wigsf3 said…
Okay, Dr. WIGSF is here to help. I'm going to give you a prescription for something to help most of your problems. I prescribe to you a prostitute. Take it at home, once a week. Her presence in your home will force you to clean at least once a week. And the natural hormones created in your brain will make you feel better.
You can also get a girlfriend but a prostitute is cheaper and I think that better suits your budget.
wigsf3 said…
Side effects may include: small valuables stolen from your home, Ice T impersonators calling you at weird hours and crabs.
If you get crabs, see a real doctor.
Hex said…
Call me what you want, but I'm not sure I'd really clean up the place for a hooker. Maybe that makes me a jerk and all, but ..what's the point?

I appreciate you looking out though.
Tina Queener said…
I'm no doctor, but I big, fat, puffy heart you. I'm proud of you for thinking outside of yourself and knowing that Curren is watching. I see something here. Call me crazy, but sometimes kids needs to know that even as "grown ups" (how did we become those anyway?) have problems just like they do and we don't always have a magic wand and that we have to WORK at fixing our shit. Personal shit. Maybe the best thing for both of you is to acknowledge that you both have some stepping out of your comfort zone to do and to promise to do it together. Leading by example is great and all, but sometimes you just need someone to walk through it beside you. Do the work together, but on your own stuff. Maybe both of you talking to someone would be good - not necessarily together, but so that he knows it's not weird. The best example he can have is someone he knows is human too.

Tacos. Soon.
Beth said…
to think it

then

to write it

next step

to do it

you will always have my support and those 7 numbers :-)