My Graduation Speech Sucks

Here's a question:
Do we deserve anything?
We desire things, sure. We covet. Pine. Stalk. Project. Acquire. Fawn Over. Display. Hoard. Overprotect. Take for granted. Alienate. Misunderstand. Patronize. Grow apart. Push away. Mislead. Betray. Argue. Apologize. Plead. We Lose. We grieve. We miss.

But I think that sometimes we feel like we deserve stuff in our lives -- and react accordingly when those things don't magically appear or follow whatever asinine movie plot idea you had for them in your head.

It's a tangible feeling sometimes, but even as you're thinking it you know it's a load of crap.

One of the things I am truly thankful for in my life is a plethora of friends who have their shit together. Not that chaos doesn't enter their lives (everyone's been through something) but that when it comes to their outlook -- they're able to see sentimentality for what it is, and discount it accordingly.

They may go through the emotional stages of longing, but they recognize it as a distraction -- and they seem to approach their life with a far more practical, realistic view.

I on the other hand have always been a sentimental sap. Always over-romanticizing things. It's such a fuzzy logic bullshit way to look at the world -- which would be fine if it didn't sometimes fill my thoughts or inform my actions.
My god some of the dumbfuck text messages I've sent in the middle of the night..
It should be like a hunger pang. Like seeing a puppy in a storefront window and wanting to bring it home with you more than anything until you can't see the window anymore -- at which point it sorta fades, because fuck you Sarah McLachlan.

But it's not like that. Sometimes it eats at you. It makes you feel unnecessarily petty and jealous. Sometimes it just sorta gnaws at you in the middle of the night, when the streetlights flicker outside the window of your puppy-less apartment, with your cell phone just a few inches away, ready to text.

..Dumbass.


For the record, I did like this movie -- I just thought everybody ending up in the same place at the end was too cutesy.


[Now Playing:  Sia - "Breathe Me" ]

Comments

Beth said…
But it's not like that. Sometimes it eats at you. It makes you feel unnecessarily petty and jealous. Sometimes it just sorta gnaws at you in the middle of the night, when the streetlights flicker outside the window of your puppy-less apartment, with your cell phone just a few inches away, ready to text.

ugh! why did you just write my life!!!

only difference...I never send the text...I never text the person who is on my mind so much...fear...fear of rejection...fear of acceptance maybe too...I don't know...I just know I never send the text I just let those crazy feelings just eat at me like a flesh-eating virus!
Hex said…
I'm pretty sure both approaches are equally frustrating (sending the message or not) -- but it's that weird limbo of seeing these thoughts patterns as being emotional quicksand and yet continuing to subscribe to it that's so frustrating.
First of all, I think this is the first time I've ever read anyone's blog. What a weird sensation. Second, if my old usename comes up ... well, I may have to change that...it's a blast from the past.

Third, you deserve love. You deserve to be alive, you deserve respect, and you deserve love. You know that, you want that, but sometimes things get really confusing and we need to be reminded. Yes, you absolutely deserve love.