The pills make your hands shake. You only really notice it when you’re holding a drink or a spoonful of soup. It’s not violent or erratic -- more just a tremble. A hollow tickle inside your wrist that feels like you’re maybe going to drop something. Put the spoon in your mouth, pull the drink to your lips and it goes away. Or maybe it doesn't. The point is not to think about it, so you just close the gap.

You’re smart enough to know that it’s not your hands that are shaking, more likely your blood pressure. But you’re still dumb enough to keep taking the pills.

Actions have their consequences. But decisions mean direction. Deciding something means choosing a path. You can cause unintended consequences all day without even realizing it, but it’s only after you truly start down a path do you realize what it means to see the things you leave shrinking in the mirror as you move away from them.

So you take the pills. You make the calls. You stand your ground on things you feel like giving way on.

And you get mad.

Anger is new. It’s weird to say that, but it is. It’s like new mouthwash, harsh against your cheek. Why did I buy this? Why did I think anything purple would taste good, or help me in any way? What was wrong with red or green, like always?

Decisions mean direction.

Purple is weird and different, but there’s this whole bottle here now. I decided to buy this, I’m not just going to throw it away.

It stings because it’s working.

I can’t say that I always get it right. That when someone says stay I still find the legs to leave. Or when anyone wants to still be friends that I tell them no. But what I do notice is that I get mad. Not at myself for giving in again, but at them for falling short. At you for saying one thing and meaning another. Far too many people know how foreign that must feel for me. How bitter it tastes against my cheek.

But red and green weren't really working anymore. So taste the bitter. Tense the muscles. Swish it around. Spit it out. Watch it go down the drain and disappear, instead of feeling it build up in layers you can feel whenever you run your tongue across your teeth.

Rinse. Repeat. Do it again tomorrow.

Pretty soon you won’t even notice that your hands are shaking a little. 

[Now Playing:  Glass Cloud - "White Flag" ]


Darth Hulk said…
Angst. Freedom. Utopia.
Whatever works for you. I learned to throw ish away when it ain't working for me regardless of how much I've invested in it. It freed me up and gave me wings and I didn't even need a Redbull.
Hex said…
Darth: Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

CCD: Actually that's what I'm learning too. It's just holding onto *that* is sometimes trickier than it sounds.
It was with me in the beginning. It gets easier as time goes by and you realize how much better your feel once you've dumped whatever it was.