You can't hold on to water. You can immerse yourself in it. You can be cleansed. You can let it rain all over you and be invigorated by the touch. But if you clasp your hands around it, if you encase it in your fingers it will drain to nothing and slip away.

And all you'll have to blame is yourself.

It's been a trying few weeks. A period of time where so many things were possible, so much time was available -- but all I could seem to do was look back over my shoulder. I should have seen the writing on the wall, but getting laid off from my job a few weeks back honestly came as a shock. Like I was watching Game of Thrones and hadn't read the books and HOLY CRAP WHO DOES THAT TO THEIR MAIN CHARACTERS?

I didn't love that job. My manager was an ass, the bureaucracy was stilted, there were times when it felt like the executives at the top were actively instructing people to row the boat in two different directions. Worst of all, despite all I'd done above and beyond my job description, I never felt like I was moving in any direction that felt like up.

But I liked the way the job fit into my life. At the end there the work was easy. The free time and the internet access was vast, and I could spend all day long if I wanted to writing or listening to music or chatting and making jokes with my girlfriend, which I frequently did -- leaving me with the sort of catbird grins on my face that coworkers would notice and ask about.

You might have thought that with all the "actual work" being taken out of the equation and nothing to do during the layoff period but to job hunt and hang out on the internet that it would have continued to be that way, maybe even escalated more.

But I tried to put my hands around the water. Tried to hold on too tight.

I've made some colossal errors lately. I've been losing my cool in ways I shouldn't have. Snoozing on things that I never fall asleep on. Trying to take everything on my own shoulders. Risking the one good thing I have in my life in the process.

I'm frustrated. I don't have all the answers. The water wont stay in my grasp no matter what I try. And yelling at it certainly hasn't helped.

I start a new contract job today. It's the kind of thing that could turn into something really good if I can manage it. It's the kind of thing that suggests that there was more to me as an employee than just some slacker who blogged a lot on the clock.

But if at the end of the day all you have left is an empty beach and a trail of water retreating from where the castles you once built seeped through and faded away, what's it all worth?

I know I'm not being very clear. I know it seems like I'm talking in circles. But that doesn't mean I don't want to you listen.

It doesn't mean that I still don't need the water.

[Now Playing:  The Safety Fire- "Huge Hammers" ]