Blowfish or Shark

I've spent the better part of the day talking myself out of just getting up, going home, and applying for other jobs. I like literally don't know what I'm supposed to be doing -- but I know tomorrow someone's going to ask me where it is, followed up quickly by why isn't it done.

And yet, my fastest path out of here is going back to contract work. Perhaps equal or better money, but no benefits (which I need to make sure the kid can see the doctor when he needs to).

It's been like this for a month or so.

Ask for more work, consider quitting. Ask for help, check monster on the weekends.

Then when it does come, it's literally a text document of raw code, with the instructions "translate."

I know there are people who have the ability to do that -- but I'm not really one of them. I never claimed to be in the interview process. But that's sort of the life of a tech writer -- you're thrown into unfamiliar waters, and with time and training you eventually learn to swim enough to get by.

It's like moving to a foreign country to learn a language. You'll never know everything, but eventually you'll get to a point where you can make conversation.

But if the training never arrives, if there's never an opportunity to immerse myself in the colloquial..

The people here are nice (mostly). It's a really small company -- so I can't imagine no one's noticed just how much I don't do around here -- but it's not like I'm leaving work on the table.

You'd think that would be awesome: Ask for work, don't get any, surf web, collect salary.

And I suppose in some senses that is a perk. But honestly, I could do that on my own (minus the money part) at home.

My former longstanding job was a mess of personal politics and managerial footdragging. But at least I felt like someone needed my skills and counted on my ability to solve problems. At least I knew I could get help if I needed it.

I don't want to change jobs again. It's a pain in the ass and it messes with my finances, my schedules, and my time with my son.
But I don't know how much longer this is going to work.

[Now Playing:  Mastadon - "High Road" ]