5 Songs I Could Probably Sing if Someone Forced Me Too

There's this recurring dream I have every now and then where I'm at some club to see a concert and I unexpectedly bump into Frank Zappa.

During the dream, the two of us hang out and become fast friends to the point where when Frank goes up on stage to play his set, he asks me to come up there with him and jam -- which I'm totally excited and honored to do, all the way up to the point where I suddenly realize that I don't know how to play some of his more intricate songs at all.

At which point I usually wake up, feeling more than a little freaked out.

I'm sure if you analyzed the thing, there would be some very interesting insights and revelations about my personality that you could find -- but I've always thought of it as a representation of the conflict between my desire to be seen and heard and the the insecurities I have about how those talents might be received.

I was reminded of this whole dream/theme recently when I was driving around the other day singing along (as I usually do) with the music on my iPod when for some unexplained reason the thing cut off, leaving only my voice to carry the tune.

The results were not pretty.

It's kinda funny to think that I used to do musical theater, including several parts that required solo singing -- when the simple fact is that I have (in my opinion) a horrible singing voice.

Here's the thing though -- I like to sing. I also think (like I suspect a lot of other people do) that I'm kinda OK at it. Of course it's also very possible that I'm over-crediting my ability at it, because despite the fact that so many people are terrible singers (thank you week one of American Idol for the validation) -- is there anything else in the world that people desperately want to be good at the way they do with singing?

You can learn to be a good singer. You can develop specific skills. But when you get right down to it -- so much of what goes into the things we love in great vocalists are things they are born with. Natural talent.

Things you simply can't teach.

The problem is that most of us are aware of that. Most of us have experienced it firsthand, whether it be a parent singing us to sleep, the soloist in the church choir, or that one kid in school who seemed really quiet and invisible but then showed up at the talent show and floored the entire room with a song that you can't even believe is coming out of their mouths.

I've said it many times. I'm a fantastic singer when I'm inside my car. Put me in a box of steel and glass by myself and I'll put anyone to shame -- but stick me on a stage with a microphone and prepare to cringe. I don't know exactly what the difference is, but I've heard myself without the benefit of a car stereo backing me up, and it's not the kind of thing I'm really excited to share with others.

In fact, one of my secret million dollar ideas is to take the annoying car horn/beeping sounds that most car alarms use to ward off thieves -- you know, things that we've all learned to tune out and basically ignore at this point; and replace them with the sound of the car owner singing a song of their choice, and car theft will drop 1000%.

Picture the scene. Guy with slimjim breaks into my car, sits in the seat, hot wires the ignition and then is suddenly treated to a full blast rendition of my lame ass belting out repeated choruses of my favorite songs by the Clash.

"Shareef don't like it! (thinks it's not Ko-sher!) Rockin' the Casbah! Rock the Casbah!!

The way I see it, anyone who is willing to stay in a car while that screeching dirge is playing can basically keep it.

At the same time, like I said -- I'd still love to think that I could sing a few tunes if my life depended on it. That during those embarrassing drunk dials where I decide that the best way to communicate with the UPS Girl is through Stevie Wonder lyrics that the results she hears when she checks the voicemail doesn't immediately short out all the circuits on her phone.

Because lord knows, there are plenty of other ways I can mess up a phone when I put my mind to it.

So here, in no particular order -- are five songs that I'm pretty sure I could do a decent rendition of (if I can remember all the lyrics) if ever I came face to face with some sort of life-or-death karaoke situation where if I didn't sing a song in front of a crowd I would be killed (although to be honest, I can't really think of how that would work, or how I would ever be put into a situation where something like that would happen).

1. Bill Withers -- Ain't No Sunshine -- I have a low voice, so this song is basically right in my vocal wheelhouse. That being said, despite it's simplicity and short length, it's still one of the most soulful tunes ever written. Basically this is a song that I want to be good at singing, so I've dedicated time to working on it in the car.



2. Drowning Pool -- Bodies -- This is, no lie -- my son's #1 favorite song. I can't even count the number of times I've played this on guitar for him, but essentially double that number for the amount of times the two of us have sung this in the car together. He doesn't know all the words, but we kick ass when it gets to the chorus. I'm sure anyone driving near us is utterly confused, but ask me if I honestly care. This is our jam.



3. Living Colour -- Love Rears it's Ugly Head -- Let me clarify something here. I can't really sing this song. At least not in a way that would do any sort of justice to the original. But some songs you sing, and some you kind of power through. So if I could get to a point one day where I could sorta attitude this song all the way through, I'll feel like I could die a happy man.



4. Dean Martin -- Ain't That A Kick in The Head -- My dad's favorite singer was always Dean Martin, so as a result I listened to a ton of his albums growing up. From the Italian love songs, to the Rat Pack days, to all the bad movie songs and albums of standards, it was impossible to resist the charm of this famous crooner. Short of singing my favorite old jazz standard Masquerade (which I always thought Julie London did the best version of outside of Billie Holiday) I can't think of a more fun song to sing than this classic arrangement.



5. This tune: -- Despite it's Broadway faaabulous vocal requirements (which normally aren't my style), this was one of my first really big onstage solo pieces back in my theater days. The odd thing about it was that Little Shop of Horrors was actually MacEwan's favorite musical growing up (he had cassettes of the Original Cast Recordings we used to listen to after school), so we actually used to sing songs from it in the halls just to be goofy a few years before Fritton ever decided to put on the actual play. I can't tell you how much fun it was belting this one out in front of audience after audience, knowing that I was not only making them laugh, but sorta scaring the hell out of them too.

I also could probably volunteer my time as second vocalist on about 30 rap songs that I don't actually know the lyrics to, except for those tag lines at the end where you just say the same thing the main MC is saying to give it more emphasis. Like if I was backing up Sir Mix-a-Lot, my whole singing part would basically be: "Lie, Deny, Sprung, me so horny, use me -- use me; 'Cause you ain't that average groupie, Even white boys got to shout, My anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns hon!!" (and you know, ..so on and so forth).

So now that you've seen my list, what are some of yours? Feel free to list them in the comments -- because there's always room for one more up here on this stage embarrassing themselves. I mean, it's not just me --

..Right?

[Listening to:  Skindred – "Roots Rock Riot" ]