Must Obey the Taco Man

So my boy whatigotsofar up in the great white north has written a Christmas meme, which (as he puts it): is all about the capitalist experience of Christmas and not at all about the religious or spiritual experience Christmas was meant to be.

And while I can't help but smile at the way his description somehow reminds me of a something I'd read in a Solzhenitsyn novel, little be it for an American pigdog like me to ignore a tag when it's thrown my way. Especially given the fact that I'm knee deep in the slop of last minute Christmas shopping as we speak.

1) What do you really want for Christmas but you know nobody will get for you?

I've lamented for a long time about how Christmas has changed for me in terms of gift receiving from the halcyon days of the motherloads I was able to reap when I was a kid. Instead of insisting that I be good all year so Santa will visit, now people tell me that I'm "Hard to buy for" and send me gift cards to Target shaped like candy canes. I'm thankful for the gesture and the thoughtfulness, but I can't help but sorta miss the days when I'd actually get so many gifts that things like socks or board games would lead me to say things like, "Damn, what cheap bastard got me this?"

All that being said, I would give anything to have a Boss GT-8 appear under the tree on the 25th.

2) What do you not want for Christmas but you know that somebody will get it for you?

A gift card. A coffee mug that isn't decorated with anything tied to my personality, but instead says Starbucks or something else generic on the side that belies the fact that mine was a gift bought out of a feeling of obligation rather than in the spirit of giving that the holiday is supposed to be about.

3) When do you open your gifts (Christmas eve or Christmas morning)?

The rule in my house was always that you get to open ONE present on Christmas eve (if you're good) to help tide you over until the next day when the real exchange took place. It was a tradition my brother and I sort of abused a bit until my parents stung us back one year, with hilarious results.

4) Do you prefer gifts wrapped or in gift bags?

Ripping sexy clothing paper is half the fun of finding out what's inside.

5) Did you regift anything this year?

I'm not a big re-gifter. However, I do frequently make gifts out of things I own that other people covet. One of my big plans this year is to fill up my old mp3 player with my son's favorite songs and then give it to him. Technically I don't see that as regifting, but I'm still waiting on a ruling from the replay officials in the booth to be sure.

6) What’s your favourite Christmas movie?

Die Hard.

7) What’s your favourite Christmas TV special?

I'm a sucker for the old school. Rudolph, The Year Without a Santa Claus, How the Grinch Stole Christmas -- it's not really the season until I see those. I wish someone would get the balls to re-broadcast Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas on network TV, (not because it's good, but because the Riverbottom Nightmare Band fucking rocks!).

At the same time, Santa's appearance in ATHF's T-Shirt of The Dead episode is one of the funniest things I've ever seen, and if I could, would be part of my christmas card to the world for the rest of my life.

8) Do you like egg nog?

I'm not down with the nog. It tastes like old melted cheese.
Besides, vodka is the gift that keeps on giving -- why jerk with a good thing?

9) Real tree or fake tree, which do you prefer?

 Fake Plastic Trees is not only a great song, it's also a lot easier on anyone who doesn't have a lot of money to blow on decorations, no matter how much they love the holiday.

10) Would you actually use one of those fireplace DVDs if you don’t have a fireplace?

Waay back when I was living in Tallahassee we had a fireplace, and the christmases spent sitting around that warmth were some of the best ones I can remember. Besides, isn't a fireplace DVD just porno for pyros (see what I did there)?

11) Are you sick of Christmas music yet?

The other day I'm at this little separate office in our building where some of the packaging engineers work, and they've got x-mas music playing, and one of the girls in the office says "I'm so tired of all these christmas songs" and I'm like, "Here's an idea -- Turn them off?"

I think people have lost touch with the real meaning of the word "tradition" these days. Christmas music should be something we use to bring people into the spirit of the season, not a knee jerk reaction to your calendar reaching the 12th month. It's like shopping on Black Friday or thinking that you can only cook turkey for Thanksgiving. You don't have to do it -- but if you're good at it and it makes you and your loved ones happy, it's the kind of thing they start looking forward to when the season comes back around.

As for me, I worked for a number of years at a radio station that did the whole 24-hours of Christmas music thing every December. Night in and night out I'd do entire shows of holiday music, forever numbing my system to it's effects.

..Honestly, I don't even really hear it anymore.

12) Are you getting up early to wait in line to do some Boxing Day shopping (Canada’s equivalent to Black Friday)?

I've said it before, and I'll say it again -- Black Friday makes no sense to me. I've only just started doing my holiday shopping in the last 3 days, and I've not had to wait in line for anything.

13) When was the last time you sat on Santa’s lap?

I did a bodyshot off a girl in a santa hat last weekend, does that count?

I'm not much for tagging specific folks anymore, so anyone who wants to drop in on this wave is more than welcome.

Merry Christmas, bitches!

[Listening to:   Chevelle – "Well Enough Alone" ]