Wednesday, July 31

Hello Aquaman

It's really hard to tell what was the more ridiculous sight at the gym tonight. It was either

     Me, working the motions of a treadmill next to a guy whose biceps were bigger than my head

               or

     The sight of Sonya Fitzpatrick talking to an iguana.

I'm guessing that the place I go to is a lot like other gyms in the country – there's a wall of treadmills and exercise bikes on one side where everyone lines up to get their blood pumping while they absently watch televisions that are suspended from the ceiling. Usually these TV’s are wired in to some sort of sports, news, or local channel so people can keep up with current events.

But when I arrived tonight to do my cardio work it became suddenly apparent that someone had locked all of the screens on Animal Planet, just in time for me to catch an extended glimpse of this particular slice of hell.

Sonya consoled the iguana. Then there was a snake. Then she talked to some Zebra being held on a leash by a fat woman. She’d lay hands on the critter, furrow her brow for a minute or so - and then she proceeded to to spew …revelations of some sort about the inner thoughts and conflicts of the pet in question.

And If this isn't weird enough for you -- consider this:

     biceps guy was absolutely riveted to the show.


Always Crashing in the Same Car

Thoughts of missing princesses rest heavy on my mind, and I'm starting to worry about this Muppet that I haven't heard from in a while...

Work is a big pause. Like that weird up and down hiccup thing that elevators do when they reach the right floor. Things can happen when this ends.. but they have to happen fast, or the sands run out.

Playground memories. The phone rings suggested music.

An old issue of FHM, a new issue of TapeOp. Searching for words in the bathroom - I read from Siddartha, Corinthians, and the Tibetan Book of the Dead. Almost got lost somewhere between Yasodhara and 10 ways to spice up my love life.

How long did I stare at that empty page before something happened?

    Must have been touching close to 94...


Sunday, July 28

Oh mo ma ma ma ma mo ma mother...

So we’re driving downtown to go see the original version of Planet of the Apes, listening to this regular Sunday morning radio show that features alternative music from the 80’s. They’re playing some pretty decent stuff, and we’re having a good time with it when suddenly we hear the Indigo Girls doing a cover of “Blister in the Sun” by The Violent Femmes…

How bad was it?

    Banjo bad.


Wednesday, July 24

Ice to Eskimos

The company that I work for sells custom websites to small businesses that want to have a presence on the internet but don't have the time or skills to do it themselves.

In the past three days, I've built three separate sites for companies that specialize in... website design.

    I am now officially frightened of our salespeople.


Friday, July 19

What a pity, you don't understand...

Home, alone.

     ...noise outside.

I think I just saw someone that I used to ...feed.

     but before I could get close, she ran off

               again.


Thursday, July 18

Shore Slop

Yesterday afternoon, according to the local surf Cleo, the prevailing west winds were to blame for the total lack of surf in the area.

Unfortunatley, there was at least one grommet living in my city that wasn't going to let something little like that stand in his way...

Oh, and by the way.. the 911 call?

    Hysterical.


One More Round and It's Bottles to the Ground

Last night when I got home from the gym my body started gleefully lying to me.

It was saying that I was full of energy and that I was in a goofy mood and I should have no problem doing this several times a week and then I will be thin and ripped and... hooh-hah, this is good yogurt!

And then I come across this odd little page that says:

     "Come to this blog, every single day, and you will be told what to do"

...and it's sorta funny but it doesn't make a whole lot of sense and so I'm scrolling to try and find a point and then suddenly it's hilarious and I'm stifling snickers and laughs the best I can because everyone else in the house is asleep, yet this thing is fucking hilarious, and that's not just the shooting pain in my legs that for some reason feels like endorphins talking!


Wednesday, July 17

Cortez Has No Car

My new job is ok so far, but these people have absolutley no concept of what coffee is about.



Friday, July 5

Hey Ho.. Let's Go! Hey Ho.. Two More!

I'm not trying to say that today's so-called "punks" are soft, but this is a bit much.

    Look, if heroin and self-mutilation were good enough for Wendy O' Williams -- then it should be just fine for you too, ya wankers.


Thursday, July 4

Actually Spoken During the Course of my Evening

    "The last thing I want to do on the Fourth of July is watch Purple Rain with you, Brian."


Gift

The house is silent. Kid is with the grandparents. Wife sleeping in. It’s almost noon.

I’ve been up since seven.

     I know you need your sleep.
     I know you are tired.

I feel like I have to tiptoe around, as if every creak of the floor could wake you up. I worry that any sound might break the calm rhythm of your snoring.

I’m careful brewing the coffee, checking the mail, feeding the cat. Writing this.

You don’t notice these things -- but then again, that's the whole point.

     I know this is what you want.

               Covers. Quiet. Peace. Sanctuary.
               …more covers.

Yesterday was our anniversary. Dinner, movies, a bow-topped bag filled with baubles to make you smile. But I knew the gift you really wanted. The thing you were really wishing for.

     This gift I’m giving you now.

I would much rather give you something else. But I know this is what you really want. What you really need.

I lean in the doorway to check on you. You're enjoying your gift.

Happy anniversary, I whisper.


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