Friday, June 28

No man, that's my sheep!

Irregardless of the fact that I don't have cable and couldn't watch it, this makes me happy.

    .. happy.. joy.. joy (sorry, couldn't resist).


Thursday, June 27

Yam what Yam

This is what happens when I play with my google…

     Daniel is a founding member of The Secret Circus.
     Daniel is not a balloon pilot.
     Daniel is pseudepigraphical.
     Daniel is the person who is 100% responsible for your satisfaction
     Daniel is good at not dying.
     Daniel is not a machine programmed with set responses to the words
     you type on the screen.

(It was one hell of an idea, so I nabbed it.)


Afterthemath

Some things you shouldn’t think through. Some swings you shouldn’t follow through.

All alone yesterday; nothing but my thoughts for company… nothing but what’s in my head to talk to.

             If a + b = c, then c - a = b

Shouldn’t have done that…

Ate me up like a tumor. Slithered up my spine. Sat in my heart. Pushed me to the fridge, pulled open the door.

Try to be pleasant on the phone. Try to be pleasant to the neighbor kid. Try to be pleasant to the telemarketer.

     Pace around the house, look out the windows.

          try to write, try to write, try to write, try to write,
          try to write, try to write, try to write, try to write,
          try to write, try to write, try to write, try to write…


Get out. Get in the car.
Put in the key.
Gear, mirror, steer.

     Drive to another refrigerator. Pull open another door.
     ...what’s one more?

Go in. Get out of the car.
Take out the key.
Door, Drapes, Lights…

Downy sins of streetlight fancies
Chase the costumes she shall wear
Ermine furs adorn imperious
Severin, Severin awaits you there…




Wednesday, June 26

I feel the way you would...

It's like... I don't know. Two really good days; ocean salt on my skin, new clothes in the drawer, this feeling that maybe things will find a way.. and then this morning it's like I can't even bring myself to look in the mirror. All I wanted to do today was write... but instead I'm in the throes of some sort of relapse, some kink in the hose keeping the water from coming out.

I can't find a CD that isn't making me feel worse.

    I need to get out of here for a while.


Saturday, June 22

I’m comin’ to join you Elizabeth – this is the big one!

Late night, flipping channels; looking for something to hold me over until Mad TV comes on…

     News... No
    Seinfeld… zzzzz
    Spin City… not in this lifetime

Finally I come to rest on an old favorite

               Sanford and Son.

For whatever reason, I don’t remember watching this show that much when I was a kid. I recall spending evenings in the living room with watching “Chico and the Man” (which was more or less the same thing) with my father every now and then...

I don’t know.. maybe in those days you just watched one or the other?

Anyways, we’re watching last night’s episode when basically out of nowhere Aunt Esther (of all people) drops the N word on a guy!

I mean, maybe it was the surprise of hearing such a thing on network television, or maybe it was just the fact that it seemed the most natural response for her character to have at that particular moment - but whatever the case...

     I was laughing so hard I nearly snarfed.     

Thursday, June 20

He'll find the culprit. It's probably that evil Gavin MacLeod!

There are a lot of reasons that being unemployed sucks. I mean, beyond the frustration of job-hunting, waiting for phone calls, continually buying newspapers and hitting the "refresh" button on Monster.com, there's this horrible lonliness that comes from existing in this limbo called daytime without anyone to talk to.

But If I were to offer you any advice, any advice at all -- it is this.

     Don't turn on the TV

No matter how much you pine for other people's voices, or how bad you feel about your situation, don't turn on the television. I don't know - it's just something about being jobless.. TV just sucks you in, compells you to pay attention to things you really don't have any interest in at all.

I mean, sure -- "Bewitched" is cool, but right after "Bewitched" is "I Dream of Jeannie," and then right after that there's almost always somethign morbidly hilarious happening on Jenny Jones... And even if Jenny is dull, you can always just flip over to the guy who stands in the middle of the room pointing out people's fashion mistakes under the pretense that he is "conversing with the dead.."

     "Yes, you in the back? Your Grandmother wants you to know that she is here
     with you, and she wants you to do somethign for her --- take someone with you
     the next time you decide to go shopping for shoes... and, what? yes, ok, I'll tell her...
     She also says to take those earrings out, they make you look like a slut."

And all the while this is going on, you're just sitting there with the remote, almost paralyzed by the crap coming off the screen. You want to move, you know that you have to move, but for whatever reason.. you just can't.

And then, as if there is a hidden camera pointed at you, you always say the same thing out loud...

"I can't believe people actually watch this shit."

For a while there, I found myself getting pulled into the void - justifying the whole pathetic exercise with the claim that "I only watch until Hawaii 5-0 comes on, because I've always loved that show."

Luckilly for me, though - there was a programming change. Oh, Hawaii 5-0 is still on, but they've pushed it back to 2 in the afternoon.

When I first heard about this I was a little worried, because my pathetic plan was always to watch whatever crap came along until McGarrett, Dano, and Chin Ho showed up on my screen. It's flimsy, but I could usually justify watching the idiot box until 11 if I promised myself that I would read the want ads at the same time.

But sitting in front of the thing until two in the afternoon? That could be trouble.

Fortunatley, though - the fates were on my side. Because instead of the old line-up I was used to (Bewitched, I Dream of Jeannie, Gunsmoke, 5-0), the local re-run channel instigated a new broadcast lineup. This new schedule included a special show, an electronic antidote, if you will.. the perfect cure for me just sitting on my ass and vegging out all day.

     Matlock.

It's on three times a day! Three times in a row!

I swear the first time I realized this I reared up from the television hissing like a vampire that had just eaten a piece of garlic bread.


Obi-Wan Kenobi told me in the lobby

Found it... sitting right there in the case with Killing Joke's "Brighter Than a Thousand Suns."


Wednesday, June 19

James Kirkwood wrote one of my favorite novels.. he also wrote this

I've got a meeting @10:45...

God I hope I get it, I hope I get it
How many people does he need?


God I hope I get it, I hope I get it
How many boys how many girls?
How many girls how many boys?
How many boys how many...?

Look at all the people! At all the people!
How many people does he need, how many boys how many girls
How many people does he...

     I really need this job
     Please God I need this job
     I've got to get this job...

God I really blew it, I really blew it
How could I do a thing like that?
Now I'll never make it, I'll never make it
He doesn't like the way I look, he doesn't like the way I dance,
he doesn't like the way I...

God I think I've got it, I think I've got it
I knew he liked me all the time
I can't imagine what he wants
I can't imagine what he wants

God I hope I get it, I hope I get it
I've come this far but even so
It could be yes it could be no
How many people does he...

     I really need this job
     My unemployment's gone
     Please God I need this job
     I've got to get this show

          Who am I anyway?
          Am I my resume?
          That is a picture, of a person I don't know.
          What does he want from me?
          What should I try to be?
          So many faces all around, and here we go...
          I need this job


                              Oh God, I need this show.

Monday, June 17

Malkovich, Malkovich, Malkovich...

Have you ever poured a hot cup of coffee

     creme, sugar, twirl the spoon three times

...and then sat down on your porch for just a moment to look into the sky? Have you ever been there, your mind 9 months with thought, eyes far away?

Grey clouds like smoke hanging low in the sky - threatening, but holding the pose. The air looks, feels, smells... heavy, like it might actually fall down on top of everything. Like the the whole world was at dusk; long shadows and this overwhelming uge to take everything at an "end of the day" sort of pace.

I go to take a sip, only to find the coffee cold and undrinkable.

I have no idea how long I was sitting out there, nor do I have any recollection of what I was thinking about...

It's like my soul took a rest stop. Just sort of floated away for a while... leaving me there, hunched over a cup of coffee with nether the desire nor instinct to raise the mug to my lips.

      It's five in the afternoon, and I can't really tell you what I've done today at all.

Saturday, June 15

yeah the bright and hollow sky, you know it looks so good tonight

Sitting here on a Saturday, Iggy Pop blasting out at me.

Kim and the boy are sick, and have been for almost 2 weeks now. I've done what I can to try to comfort and help them out, but there's only so much that making cups of mint tea and wiping a baby's nose can really do.

     I try to help.. but I feel like I'm not even making a dent.

Seems as if all I can really do is try to smile and hope that chemistry does it's thing.

It's frustrating. It's all just so frustrating.


Friday, June 14

iExpect

I expected that it wouldn't happen the way that it did. I expected the phone to ring. I expected this feeling would have gone away by now.

    That's what I get for thinking, eh Yogi?


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